A
female
age
26-29,
*TheAlmightyDuckx
writes:Okay, so I haven't been on here for a while and after having a lot of thinking time I think I have finally cracked the code of something which I have been trying to work out for a long time, and it is very sensitive to me so please don't be too harsh. For the last year I have suffered from huge bouts of low self-esteem and low self confidence. Now of course I know everyone these days doesn't have as high self-esteem as they normally do but mine is astoundly awful. I can't think of myself as attractive in anyway and it has started to really effect my life. I can't where the clothes I want, I can't show off my body, I can't see myself as pretty, I can't talk to boys, I can't do anything when it comes to that aspect of my life. Now the funny thing is I suffer with Bipolar disorder, and I have overcome huge barriers with my illness. Of course I have my good days, and my bad days but I am now classed as perfectly stable and I do believe that is true. However despite me working to overcome huge barriers with my mental illness this is the one thing which I simply cannot get over. I have tried every technique in the book, I have tried to write down good things about myself, lose weight, try different clothes, seek advice from friends, go on dating sites...and even though I have been told by both a big amount of men and women that I am much prettier and intelligent than I realize none of it makes a difference to how I view myself. However now I am stable enough I have been trying to find the route of these awful feelings, as I believe finding the route is one step closer to finding the problem. And I beleive I have finally found the cause of this awful lack of self-esteem and confidence. When I was 15, I got into a very bad relationship, my first ever one in fact. I have always struggled to admit it as I thought I was making a fuss out of nothing and I was even told I was making a fuss out of nothing by people, but I think I have got to the stage where I can admit I was a victim of domestic abuse. He manuiplated me so much, that I would live in fear everyday of him leaving. He would make me feel so awful about myself, at such a young age I thought that without him no one would ever find me attractive, because that is what he told me. He would tell me I was ugly, he would tell me I was fat, he would tell me without him I was nothing, and even though I like to think that had no effect on me, it has now more than ever. He stalked me and sent me abuse every 3 months for the next year, he physically assualted me twice. The first time he beat me up, but I presumed it wasn't bad because he left no visible marks. The second time he punched me in public for no reason, once again I presumed it wasn't a big deal because the police did nothing about it. I hate to think of myself as a victim, but now I am finally seeing that I probably am a victim of domestic/verbal abuse. He is now in a new relationship, with a prettier girl and he is much better looking now and seems like he has sorted his whole life out. I feel sad because I still feel like he has moved on and its my fault because I don't deserve him, I feel that he has moved on without any care in the world for me, and because I have been hurt by him to such an extent I cannot move on and I am just stuck, permanently in the same cycle. I want a boyfriend, I want to be able to expeirence a nice kind of relationship but I don't have the confidence. If a man likes me in anyway, I presume as soon as he see's my body he won't like me anymore. If anyone compliments me on how I look I feel very uncomfortable. I am attracted to men, I have previously thought about having NSA sex with a guy, but even though he was very enthusiastic about it and stated how great I looked I was too worried he would hate how I looked when we got down to it. I fear every man I meet relationship wise will eventually take away my freedom and eventually see myself as I see myself. I recently joined a dating site and I got hundreds of replies from nice men, but I felt that when they saw me in real life they would hate me, so I left. I also find myself replacing the affection that normal people get from other humans, with cats. I love cats, I adore them so much that if one dies I grieve for them like I would a human. I also put on this fake masculine persona as I feel that being feminine shows my weakness, even though I am still an equally feminine and masculine person myself. All this is going to stop me from forming relationships with men in the future, I mean it has already stopped me so far, and I feel if I don't get help with being a victim and being told that it is okay then I am never going to be able to grow as a woman. I don't feel comfortable talking about this to anyone and that includes family, friends and mental health workers. My therapy is going to stop for good on the 1st of December, and I feel all the work I have done with my mental health worker has been and gone, but I can finally accept I need help with this issue of not feeling good enough. However, I do not know where to go to get this help, I do not know how to ask for it, I don't know if there is even any therapies or groups in place for me to go to to build my confidence and finally get me to admit I am better than him. I need to tackle this issue for once and for all or I am never ever going to recover from what has happened to me.Is there anything you can suggest? Anything at all? Anyone I can ask for help on this and any organizations which you feel could help? Please anything you can recommend would be good. Thanks for reading.
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confidence, lose weight, move on, stalking Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (7 November 2014):
I think that the best organization that may be able to office you help and support is this one in the UK:
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/
This charity is dedicated to assisting with the things that you have been through, and they may be able to help or suggest something.
Keep transforming your life. You had a bad time, you've come through it and you'll continue to come through it.
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (7 November 2014):
 Good for you for thinking this through and realising you could benefit from outside help.
We have a page here for helplines:
http://www.dearcupid.org/pages/crisis-helplines.html
I wonder if childline.org might be of use, or could steer you in the right direction.
There's also
http://www.youngminds.org.uk/for_children_young_people
I know you've been through all sorts of counselling, but I do think that a professional with the right background could be of significant help to you. Do stick with it -- you're a bright, articulate young lady who deserves a better life.
Best wishes.
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