A
female
age
30-35,
*icky2727
writes:Dear Cupid,Last night i was hanging out with my boyfriend and some topics came up that kind of upset me. First off... our relationship is fairly new and we've only been dating for around several months. I know that he got out of a long term relationship before me and it lasted around 3 years and he was pretty hurt by the break up. He'll sometimes bring up the fact that he still has bad dreams about his ex and that it really upsets him. He always reassures me that hes over it but how can i believe that when he speaks about her with such hatred? I feel like if he were truly over this then he wouldnt even be talking about her at all.... to me... the fact that he even hates her shows that hes still hurt and still cares about her to a degree.I try to not let it get to me but last night we were laying in bed together and he brought up the fact that he had a bad dream about his ex and i quickly rolled over and turned my back to him because now im just getting sick of hearing it. It makes me feel like im inadequate and that im not good enough for him. He says he wants closure but this girl got up and left him for another dude so what more closure do you need?? I know its hurtful but i feel like sometimes the brutal truth can serve as closure even if its not the kind we want. Anyways... he could tell he upset me and said... "Did me telling you about that dream make you upset? I could tell by your body language". I didnt know what to say so i just laid there in silence for a bit and I said... well it seems like you're still pretty hurt by this. He continued to say that he wishes he could forget the past but is happy with what he has now. Is this a dealbreaker here? This break-up was over a year ago and i feel upset when he brings his ex up every now and then. Should I talk to him about his ex and ask if being with me is even a good idea right now? Is this relationship doomed? I hate feeling second best.
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (12 July 2012):
I think saying what is on your mind in a calm manner is MUCH better than getting upset and being quiet about the situation. You should mention what you think about the situation since it does affect you as well. I think the important thing is to not get upset by remembering that he does have a problem and it will be difficult for him to be over it. Sometimes bad relationships can affect us so much that we get scared when we are in new, great relationships.
Try to be part of the solution that will help him through the pain, instead of taking offence to it. Don't stay quiet. If it is you can not help him in his pain then it would be best to call it quits until he fixes himself.
A
female
reader, jinxx  +, writes (11 July 2012):
 I am sorry to say I understand exactly how you're feeling!
What worked for me was to be vocal about how I was feeling with my boyfriend. They may think you're being ridiculous or insecure or jealous or blah, blah, blah, but on some level you are getting your point across. Eventually I eased him into a place where he could be forgiving with both her and her new boyfriend, and I think we all felt better for it.
I agree with you that it's probably not a normal thing for someone who's over their ex to continually talk/dream about them, but who knows? Maybe it is normal. Either way, it makes the new partner uncomfortable, and we can't be having that!
Tell him that if he has a dream about his ex, to keep it to himself. You have no desire to hear about her, and that if he's stuck in the past he has the wrong person with him in the present.
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A
female
reader, AbigailBradbury  +, writes (11 July 2012):
 Look, you have to realise hun that this ex is purely that for a reason!! This is in the past. He was obviously hurt by her leaving, as anyone would be. It does not mean that you are not adequate enough for him at all. You need to support him and listen. It seems he just needs to let it all out and you need to help him realise what he has right now. Life is too short to be paranoid; just enjoy what you have.
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