A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ever since I was in highschool, I've always been in longterm, monogomous relationships. But after my last relationship ended a few months ago, I decided that I didn't want to deal with all of the drama and heartache that boyfriends come with for a while. So for the last month I've just been playing the field and having fun. However, this whole lifestyle is new to me, and now I'm a little confused as to where I stand with this guy I've been... 'seeing'? I don't even know the right word to use.He's a coworker, and we've worked together for quite a while, but never really interacted much. Then we went out with a group of other coworkers one day, and we kind of 'clicked' I guess you could say. We then started hanging out on our own outside of work, and we've slept together on more than one occasion. All this has happened in just 2 weeks, and I wish I could tell the whole story leading up to this point, but I'll just say that things felt very complicated to me. But I guess it could just be because I'm not used to the 'no-strings-attached' way of doing things. Anyway, I was content to just go with the flow, but now I think I might be developing romantic feelings for him. And I really can't guess what he thinks of me as. I honestly don't think he's out for just the sex, because it was me that initiated it, and because he's taken me out to dinner, movies, and things like that. But sometimes I feel like he tries to make it a point to give the message that he doesn't want a girlfriend. I just can't figure out what he's thinking.Regardless of how he feels, I really enjoy his company and would hate to lose his friendship by 'scaring' him away. But at the same time I can't just 'turn off' any romantic attraction I have to him. I'm not looking to get into a relationship right now, I'd just really like to know where I stand.If anyone has advice, or could give me some insight to the inner workings of guys minds, it'd be helpful!
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (24 March 2008):
 I agree again with Ask_Oldersister. If this isn't your first casual sex experience, what's the problem? You know what to expect.
Otherwise, I think that it's clear that "just sex" isn't for you. All the more reason, then, to ask the man where you stand, and be ready to leave if he says he doesn't want to go any further. And this time he is not to be blamed. No one is, actually. You were in this for the sex, so was he, and then a change of heart is nobody's fault.
Take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionbased on the first answer, i think maybe a little clarification is necessary. I'm not a teenager, and this isn't my first casual sexual relationship. I have slept with several other people (people I know, not just one night stands)within this time frame and I never had an issue with creating 'bonds' with these other guys. So the problem isn't that I can't seperate sex and romance
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): I do recall the single days, and I could go on and on about relationships and why I wasn't interested for long term, but I'll try to keep to the point of your question.
If you started a relationship with the "no strings attached" concept, depending on how it started, it could mean just that. Guys, and I speak for myself, when we enter a relationship based on certain criteria, it will for the most part stay this way until the biological clock kicks in and we feel a need to settle down and have a family. This didn't happen to me until I hit 32 years old. Prior to this, I wasn't ready and nothing could have changed that belief in me. A few things had to happen before I would consider changing my current life style:
1) I felt secure in my ability to earn enough money to sustain a family, with her staying home for the kids;
2) That I felt her and I have had enough experience with each other to know that any problems we maybe confronted with, we together could deal with it. If I felt there was to much pressure that would be placed on my shoulders, then I wouldn't be interested. To break down, does this include being able to express our feelings without humiliation from the partner, and either through compromise, do I get my needs met, and visa versa. If we have financial problems, will we work and sacrafice together to make ends meet and get through it. I want to know my partner will support me, back me up, and offer suggestions, help and assistance. When I turned 32, my finances were good, I accepted more burdens and taking the lead in dealing with stuff, which was a mistake, I should have made sure my partner was a partner.
The only way you will know for sure, is to get his attention, present it in a comfortable way and express it is a serious question that eventually, you will need to know how he feels about it, and whether he is workable with it. Men don't like being surprised with emergencies that have many empty blanks, such as the full picture of what your thinking, feeling, need and want. With this information, it makes it less stressful for him to think it over and offer a suggestion or two. Don't expect a reply soon, it will take time. The time you give him, that time that he can feel and time to think it through to close any gaps that could cause you both issues later, the time for him to adjust his behavior and be acceptable to change, he will get back with you (or should).
Remember that romance is a small fraction of a marriage, once a few years past, this is because of the new responsibilities and all that follows it, like kids. To make the relationship work, you may need to act more like a man in dealing with things. The connection between each other needs to be the same and unbroken. When either of you stray from this mindset, say mind (men) versus heart (women), they can clash, and feelings of being hurt, used, abused, takin for granted, will start to seep in.
Men may not think this (above), but at one time, it crossed their mind, but they adjusted to a new way of life (similar to your past less enjoyable relationships), the no strings attached (people hurt from the past and unwilling to repeat it, so they use this to avoid getting to close).
Anyways, I hope this provides some insight.
Take care and good luck!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (24 March 2008):
I agree with Lazy Guy and Ask_oldersister. He seems to be enjoying the "no strings attached" thing. If you want to know where you stand, you have to take a chance of losing him and asking. And I also agree that what you really want is a relationship. Maybe this "no strings attached" is not for you.
In any case, ask where you stand. If you don't ask, you'll feel unhappy; if you ask, you might get a boyfriend. I think you want "all or nothing at all" anyways.
Take care.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (24 March 2008):
 Exactly how can a teen have been in multiple long term relationships? Must be a new definition of the concept "long term".
Oh well, on to the question at hand.
You wanted to play the field, so did he. He is in it for the sex and little else. He doesn't want a steady relationship right now and even when he does, it won't be with you.
Use this relationship for sex and friendship while it lasts, then either of you will move on.
Don't play with the players unless you learn to thoughen up and not bond with the first one night stand.
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A
female
reader, MsLaverne  +, writes (24 March 2008):
 Well, it's difficult to know how a guys mind works. I'm just passing from a terrible situation so...
I think you should speak to this guy and make things clear, be prepared that you might get hurt from his answer but I think it's better that way then remain in this confusing situation.
Goodluck!
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