A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Does anyone else have trust and jealousy issues? If any of you got over it please tell me how. I am having counselling which has helped a lot but I have “alerts” which panic me and I find it hard not to behave in a ridiculous way. I spend most of my time trusting my partner now, which is better than I used to be, but still have lapses. I find that the time it takes me to recover after each episode is getting shorter, which is good. I feel ashamed when I sort out my feelings and demoralised about the lapse. I hate myself for a bit, then get better. I love my man so very much and the poor thing goes through it, but it is so important that trust is natural between us and this is so destructive.I have been badly treated in the past and sometimes, not all, have the compulsion to try and check up on things like his internet activity. I don’t check his phone, although I used to sometimes. I want to stop. Not tomorrow of the next day, but now. Is this feasible? Can I just decide enough is enough today? My lapse last night was to do with him joining a chat forum because I read so much on this site about people abusing them in relationships. It does not mean that he would of course but I don’t really even know much about them. I don’t have any areas that are closed off in my life. It doesn’t mean that I want to spend every moment with him or share every thought. I like doing my own things. However, I only have one email account which he knows my password for. Somehow, I know he would not look but I wouldn’t mind if he did. He has private email (with private password) as well as our home one and now a private Facebook account. People may say with good reason that he should be able to have some privacy - true. Thing is he used to write to me in secret from his secret email account as well….when his former relationship was breaking down. I wish it was not secret anymore, then I can tell you I wouldn’t bother about it. He would just say I don’t trust him.Realistically I know he has not done a thing wrong. He absolutely loves me to bits and has been talking about getting married. Well I wouldn’t marry me if I was him…not until I get over this. It could be that I am, but today I feel wretched and disappointed. I don’t want to shove him away with this ridiculous stuff.Thoughts?
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (3 April 2008):
 If I were you, I would keep a close eye on him. That trait that he has of only wanting to have relationships with women and appearing needy in order to get that is called being manipulative. Stop doubting yourself and put your foot down.
I think the idea you had about whether or not he presents himself as a single man when he describes himself outside in the world will be very telling for you. Most of the men that I know who are happily married always talk about there wife and children. If he doesn't list you on his facebook page, I'd consider the fact that he is trying to be footloose, fancy-free AND still single... AND then I would pour coke on his keyboard. Just kidding. Or not...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much. What I want to ask him to do is exactly as you say. I don't want any secret email accounts, passwords or chatroom stuff. I want them all open. The reasons are as you state them. I feel better for your reply. Some people could just pass these things off as unimportant if they don't appear to be affecting the relationship. That is not how I feel.
He was with his wife for 24 years and the relationship was falling appart before we met up. We were childhood sweethearts from before and met up 30 years later, 4 years ago. I know he tried to make his marriage work. He had an affair early on in his marriage and that seems to be about it until he met me again.
He moved heaven and earth to be with me and gave up everything. However, I know he was in touch with the person with whom he had an affair whilst he was planning his return here and chose not to say anything about me. She knows now. He seems to have enjoyed confidences with other women, I get the sense that he has done it at work as well. He doesn't have any male friends and makes women like him by appearing to need looking after.
I will be interested to look him up on Facebook and see whether he bothers to mention our family and home, or whether he just talks about being back in the UK and what his job is.
Maybe I am being tough on myself. I think I should chill out and consider. I really love him but I hate all the time he spends on line and the fact that he is so closed about it. Thank you so much.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (3 April 2008):
My husband doesn't have any secret passwords or accounts that I can't access. Not that I ever check them. Under my circumstances, I don't need to.
Sorry to be harsh, but under your circumstances, knowing that you and he had secret e-mails while he was in another relationship, well that would be a big Red Flag in your relationship, wouldn't it? If I were you, I wouldn't believe him either and you would have every reason not to believe him as well - because he did it with you. Under these circumstances, you have every right to ask for all of his passwords and accounts.
I think that you are beating yourself up over something that you have every right to be feeling. Is he saying that YOU have trust and jealousy issues? If he's trying to tell you that it's your issue and that you need to get a grip, that's just his way of deflecting any responsibility for causing you to feel this way, when he knows that he was deceptive within his previous relationship - and on the computer too. It's not something that *you* have to get over at all, you are having trust issues because you have experienced him as someone who has cheated in the past on his ex, and now he is asking you to trust him. I don't think that it's unfair to put limitations on that trust under these conditions.
I would treat the situation the same as any spouse that actually HAS cheated, even if he hasn't (whether he likes it or not). He should understand your lack of trust as having come from the deceptions that you both were involved in, and be willing to salve your trust issues by putting all of his cards on the table, figuratively. No secret accounts, passwords or chat rooms. Period. In order to win YOUR trust, under ALL of these circumstances, he should be MORE than willing to do this for you.
Check out the article "Dating Red Flags" by Ask oldersister (in ARTICLES) just in case he is pushing more than one of your buttons. I got the feeling that you are second-guessing yourself quite a bit. You have that little inner-voice, that woman's intuition for a reason. I think that you should learn to trust in your own good judgement. If he is putting a lot of this doubt into your head - you might want to question why he is doing it - IF that is what's happening here. I made an assumption and I apologize if I am wrong, but it just popped into my head.
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