A
male
age
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*ercury793
writes:Here is my situtation. I am 60 yrs old, of Italian heritage, and my now ex-fiancee is 54 and of Korean heritage.I am a widower; she has been divorced for 6+ years. I say this to put things into perspective.I am retired and a very successful banker. I met her 3 years ago and proposed 1 year later. We bought a huge house in Santa Fe, where we were going to move ths fall. She quit her job this June (ex teacher).Now early on in the realtionship, she came accros some of my porn - it was the 'hot cheerleader' 'barely legal' stuff. Nothing obscene, i.e. intercourse, etc but girls 18+ playing up the part of the high school look.She objected and I got rid of those magazines (or at lease hid them very well).Our sex life is very very good. I want to emphasize that. We are like a coupl of teens and for that I am blessed. I have not masturbated by myself since I met this woman.Now the other day she was using my PC (oops - trouble there) and came accros a stash of photos I had. Again, nothing showing sex, etc. but the usual naked cheerleader type that most men enjoy looking at. Take a 22 yr old give her a few drinks and she takes off her clothes. (girls gone wild)Well, she freaked. She said she thought I love her, and how I could do this, blah, blah, balh.I told her, hey, if our sex life was bad, and I used porn in place of making love to you, then there is a problem. But I view porn (or naked girls) every day on my pc (i.e. cute butt of the day, etc.), and I am not going to change.She told me I could not bring any porn magazines (even though they are hidden) when we move to Santa Fe to get married.Well, I told her that is a deal breaker, and she cannot change a habit that I have had for nearly 50 years. I love her and have always been faithful to her, but this seems to have ended the relationship.She took all her things from my house, gave me back my keys, and refused to sign the application of the joint savings account I was opening up in our names.So it looks like the engagement is off, after 3 years.I really do not understand it. I guess it is the cultural difference between us. I miss her dearly, but I do not belive I have done anything wrong that I have to apologize about.Again, this was my stuff, on my pc, not left lying out and about. And she admits the sex has only been getting better and better, so the porn does not affect us.Your opinion and advice please.I have only 2 months left before I move to Santa Fe and once I move then it will be over permanently between us, if we have ot gotten back together.Thank you.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 August 2010):
 Well now you have a nice big empty house to do your own business in. I wonder, do the nights get very cold in Santa Fe?
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (25 August 2010):
 "I guess men just view things diferently."
No, you view things differently. This isn't a gender issue. Not all men see things that way. Yes you do have the right to do what you want in the privacy of your own home. She has the right to not want you to view porn/equate it with cheating (therefore private or not it hurts her) and refuse to be with you/call off the wedding if you do. Neither of you is wrong (except that you lied and that's extremely disrespectful). If you want to view porn, that is fine. It just means you want porn more than you want her. But she's not being crazy or insecure or over-the-top controlling to demand that you are honest with her.
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A
female
reader, smiliek  +, writes (25 August 2010):
 and would you leave it all behind and not have any of it if she was living with you? After you're married etc? If she had found this after the wedding, its possible she still would leave. Not every woman is totally against porn. Some will accept or tolerate some usage. Not every woman will tho. And they dont have too. Its a personal choice, not gender based. Yes men and women have different opinions, but in your situation, she is against porn and against getting lied to, and unless one or both of you can compromise i dont know if it will work out. Have you spoken to her since?
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male
reader, mercury793 +, writes (25 August 2010):
mercury793 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I guess men just view things diferently.
I thank all of your for your responses, but I respectfully disagree. What I do in my own home, before we are married, before we are living together, (by what I do, I mean what I read), is my own business.
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (25 August 2010):
 The tolerance to porn is entirely person-specific, I'd say. Culture is a part of it, but only a part.
It's as Miamine says, you know. Yes, you have a right to watch legal porn. However, she also has a right to choose whether to be with you. After all, any relationship leads to a re-definition of rules of engagement for that relationship. She has defined the rules from her point of view. If you choose not to accept them (and as a poster below has said, choosing porn over a woman is a little surprising) then it implicitly means that you don't want to be with her. It's a choice you've made.
Is she being reasonable? That's for her to judge. I could tell you that I would not, at this point in my life, impose such rules. But that's me. You're with her. If you love her enough, you know what you need to do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2010): Only you have the answers to the questions you seek, my friend. Can YOU spend the rest of your life hiding your porn and deceiving your wife? Or, can YOU spend the rest of your life without porn?
Your fiance is being upfront and honest about her expectations from you as a husband. She does not tolerate porn.
You could try to discuss with her. But, ultimately, my friend, this is your decision.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, kokeshi  +, writes (24 August 2010):
 simple fact is when it came to it you chose porn over her.
Imagine how she feels. She loves you .spends time with you, eats with you ,laughs with you ,makes love to you has offered you her hand in marriage and you have chosen something that pops up on a computer screen .Of course it will make her feel insecure she is a 54 year old lady and your drooling over youthful nudies.she can never be that again.She must think that is what you want and it turns out she is right just the image of these young women is more important to you than her companionship
Of course she left you.
basically Mr you are trying to have your cake and eat it
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (24 August 2010):
 If you want to debate the issue of pornography, control, responsibilities and rights, we have a lively debate going on and your welcome to join in.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html
I won't put across my personal views on pornography here, it's not suitable. My advice here is tailored to your personal situation and the circumstances you currently find yourself in.
Nope, not all women have a problem with pornography, but your lady does. It's a deal breaker for her, is it one for you.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (24 August 2010):
Without trust, a relationship cannot exist. You do have a right to view whatever you choose (other than illegal things). She has a right not to be with someone who disregards her feelings and chooses to lie to her. Why do you need us to validate that she was wrong? We've told you again and again it hurts her, she told you again and it hurt her and she couldn't be with someone who would lie about it. It's not complicated. You can't have your porn and her and she's not crazy or whatever. Half the female population won't tolerate porn, half will (actually a very slight majority won't tolerate it).
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2010): This is a deal breaker for you and for her, so unless one of you can change, there is no future for this relationship. The brain does not distinguish between a picture and the real thing and many women innately know this. So, they feel like you have cheated when you masturbate to a picture of another woman. It also shatters their illusion that they are something special to you...now this woman's body is just one amongst many...whats so special about that? How is she going to compete with the variety, availibility and willingness of all these other women? Your sex life is no longer a sacred, beautiful thing that you shared between the two of you...its just been opened up and shared, kind of like the possessiveness you feel for her body, that you don't want her showing anyone else. On top of all these crazy feelings she is experiencing, all of a sudden, she realizes you have been lying to her all this time and being secretive and sneeking behind her back, her entire world just imploded and you don't even feel she has anything to be upset about.....that's not a very supportive partner. Let her go and what ever you do, don't make promises you can't keep or have no intention of keeping, tell her the truth.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (23 August 2010):
She isn't policing your thoughts, she's upset with actions. Actions and thoughts are different things. Read Miamine's link as well as many other porn posts on here, and you can find hundreds of women talking about just how much their partners looking and lying about porn hurts them. I'm sure the lying was an enormous part. Why is lying about porn use different to you from lying about anything else? What was said was that you cannot just lie and hide your porn. It's totally unacceptable and disrespectful to your partner. You either need to find someone who is OK with you looking at porn and be honest with her, or stop looking at porn and be with the woman you love. Like I said. You need to decide what's more important to you, the woman you love or your ability to look at porn. Because she's made it abundantly clear you can't do both and be with her. You can't just lie to her about it.
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male
reader, mercury793 +, writes (23 August 2010):
mercury793 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI hear about what all of you said about lying about porn.
But, who was hurt? (other than her trust)
For example, if she said I could not listen to Rush Limbaugh, for example, is not that the same type of mind control?
Yes, if I masturbate to porn, that is one thing.
But viewing something is a fundamental right we have.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (23 August 2010):
How has she been hurt... here read this post, there are 125 answers from women who feel just like her, they will tell you clearly about how she feels.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-do-men-need-porn.html
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A
male
reader, mercury793 +, writes (23 August 2010):
mercury793 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLying? Ok perhaps. But in the overall scope of things, how has she been hurt? We get into the thought police thing now. If I thing naughty thoughts is that the same as cheating? I believe that everyone has the right to do/read as long as it does not injure the other person.
I guess we differ in opinion.
Thanks for your feedback.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (23 August 2010):
It's a deal breaker for many women, they think looking at naked women is cheating.
It's not a cultural difference, many women feel like this. If you decide to marry her, you can't look at naked girls again ever. You can't just hide the porn, you have to get rid of it completely. If she marries you and finds you ever looking at porn even once, she will feel betrayed, she will call you a liar and she will hate you forever.
It is a big deal breaker.. Marry the woman and never look at naked women again, or leave the woman and meet somebody else who doesn't think like this but do without her love...
Your choice, sorry we can't make it for you.
PS: She probably hates flirting and will be angry if she ever catches you looking at a lady on the street. But you may never meet a woman who you love as much as this one. Think carefully, a bad choice will leave you both unhappy and sad. You cannot lie and hide this, you have to make a choice.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (23 August 2010):
Well you lied to her for several years. You destroyed her trust. You say you did nothing wrong, but you lied to her. She told you it hurt her and to get rid of it if you wanted to keep her. But you made your choice, you chose to lie to her and keep your porn. She made it clear to you that she couldn't be with someone who used porn, you made your decision that having porn in your life is more important to you than having her in your life.
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female
reader, smiliek +, writes (23 August 2010):
Caring guy has got it in one. I get more upset getting lied to over porn then i do that my fiance looks at it. Some women simply cannot and will not accept any use of porn in their relationships. That doesnt mean anyone is right or wrong. Some are ok with it, others are not. Your ex wasn't ok with it, and then you lied about it. It should have either been given up or made clear that you wouldn't stop looking at it from the very beginning. The breakup may have occured back then, but you wouldn't have invested so much time and so many feelings into the relationship at that stage. Its fair enough that you didnt want to change, but asking her to be ok with your porn is also asking her to change. Unless she can be ok with your porn and accept it, the relationship will not work. You cant lie to her about it. Good luck
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 August 2010):
You say you did nothing wrong. But you did lie to her. And that's the problem. That's why it ended. She obviously was not willing to allow a man in her life who had porn. That's one thing. But you did lie to her and just hide the porn, rather than get rid of it. So it ended. That's all there is to it. The answer is to find a woman who has more in common with you. And don't lie. That's what ended this.
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