A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend of 3 yrs gets mad whenever i look at other men. he does not yell at me or hit me or anything but he is visibly upset and jealous and asks me all the time not to look at other men. i cannot help myself sometimes thought if a man is especially attractive. i think he is just insecure. he says that because he doesnt look at other women i should not look at other men. i am sure that he does look at other women (i have seen him actually) and it doesnt bother me at all. i know that i am the one for him and that we belong to one another so i am not threatened by other women (no matter how attractive they are). i tried to explain to him that he can offer me something that none of the other men can (a deep connection, love, etc) so he has no reason to worry about me straying. i am not obscene when i look at these men and i rarely make comments about them, its just a quick glance. i never leer or whatever. its just that i notice them, i dont ever think of them later or think of them when we make love, it is merely a passing glance, and then i forget about them altogether. i dont understand how he can be so threatened by this, its not as if i am drooling or fantasizing about them, im just looking for like 2 seconds.i have made efforts to avoid looking at men but its hard to keep my eyes to my feet when i walk, and if a man crosses my line of vision (even if i dont notice him!) my boyfriend assumes i was checking him out and that i want to have sex with him. who is right? should i try harder to stop looking at men? or is it him that needs help? thanks.xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2007): Yeah I bet you a million dollars your bf looks at other girls. I think he is just trying to control you and I think he is being unfair.
I mean when I had a boyfriend I never really blatantly checked out guys in front of him out of respect. And if I saw guys it was more cause I was just looking at people rather than me scoping guys out.
But I don't check guys out even when I am single. In fact I hate looking at people.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2007): Put up with this as long as you want, but his issues are definitely HIS.
If he can't even deal with other males entering your frame of vision, then I shudder to think of how badly he deals with the very idea of your previous BFs.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (14 November 2007):
 Hi,
I'm always checking out girls ( discreetly of course :) and my wife is a bit of a perv as well !
I'm sorry to say I have no sympathy for your boyfriend whatsover. He is blaming you for his own insecurities and is attempting to exercise control over your actions.
I guess if you love him enough you are just going to have to put up with it for as long as you guys are together.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2007): Just to add to what Phil said; my wife and I both look at people of the opposite sex. I do it more that she does now that we are older. For some reason she doesn't look as much as she used to. She said that it doesn't interest her as much as when she was younger. We both used to flirt some also, especially with people who we knew. It never bothered either of us. If you trust and are secure with the other person, then it should not be a problem. It sounds like you are secure and he isn't. You can't start looking down at your feet all of the time just to accommodate his insecurity and shouldn't be forced to stop looking at someone who you think is attractive. It's not like you are going to climb into bed with him. You should both have equal privileges. Unfortunately, I don't know what you can do to get him over his insecurity.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2007): You carry on as you are. Why change just because of his insecurity? To be honest, I don't think I would even notice if my other half looked at other men, and even if I did notice it wouldn't bother me in the slightest because I know I have the most secure of relationships.
Any (heterosexual) man who doesn't look at other women is either blind or lying! What's good for the goose is good for the gander and all that.
Phil
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