A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:a girl moved into the apartment below me in the same building as me (unit of 6 apartments). she has 2 kids aged 3 and 5, throughout the year we exchanged numbers, talked about things mostly info about the apartment or how to fix something etc. but eventually we started txting alot more, hung out a bunch of times and even went on a few dates, we arent dating yet but i feel like we are on the pathway to. now im in a situation ive never been in before and i dont know how to approach this but this girl works 60+hrs a week to support her kids and she doesnt have alot, meanwhile i have a good job and a few bills so ive saved a bunch throughout the year. I want her to live comfortably and i really want her young kids to have a nice christmas.i would love more than anything to offer money for the kids christmas presents and even some for her to help out but i know that it would most likely make her feel terrible and a "charity". i dont want to make her feel less than because she is a great person and i really like her. how do i approach this?
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (17 December 2016):
I have been very poor in the past and I've had people 'give' me things and 'lend me a hand' only for it to turn out to be an investment on their part. They did something for me and as a result I was now in their pocket and if I didn't do what they wanted or behave how they wanted, they would use the 'gift' against me. So I am very glad you're threading cautiously and not assuming it would be welcome.
So before you do anything, be VERY clear with yourself why you're doing it, because many people are incapable of truly giving. They're not bad people, per se, but they're simply too attached to their wealth to truly be generous. So, if for some reason or another, things between you two don't work out, would you feel frustrated because of the things you gave her? Would you view it as a bad investment? Would you want her to pay you back in some way or the other after the gift? Or are you the kind of person who truly thinks that the moment a gift leaves your hands, it's not yours anymore and therefore not yours to judge?
I'm asking because if there's even the slightest possibility that you are more attached to that money than you think, she would be much better off with you not giving her anything at all.
Now, if you truly are generous and you want to give her something because of the reasons you stated, regardless of whether you two will get together or not, I would use Denizen's idea and give her some anonymous christmas presents. That way, you won't have it link back to you, which as an added plus means you can't go come cash in on a favor she now 'owes' you and she won't think you did it out of charity, even if she suspects it's you who gave the gifts.
That way, you will have a nice Christmas because you did something nice for someone else and she will have a nice christmas because she gets to be that kid again who doesn't know what's in santa's presents.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 December 2016):
 I agree with denizen, great idea. You sound like a very generous person I wish there was more people like you in this world.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2016): You already know each other so what's wrong with giving her a gift? I don't see why she should consider it as a charity ? If it was me I would appreciate it even more if I knew its from a guy I am "semi dating".Gift cards are better choices as she can buy what she needs.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 December 2016):
 I agree with Denizen.
Amazon is great for this (as are other websites of course) - I use it to send presents to friends and family out of state and since I have Prime it's free shipping, which is SO much easier than having to package the item, go to the post office, wait in line, pay out the nose for shipping....
Toys or clothes are great items - clothes especially since kiddos outgrow those in a blink of an eye. But if you know what toys they have you can avoid duplicates.
OR....
You can buy some gift cards and drop them in her mailbox in an envelope with a Merry Christmas from Santa. That way SHE can buy what they need/want.
It's very kind of you to want to make their Christmas great.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2016): Youre so sweet, if she hasnt hinted that she wants something or is okay with charity, Id say do exactly what Denizen said. Give her gift cards, presents for kids, etc do it anonymously. I know if I was a single mother, Id graciously accept if my cute neighbor guy offered to help me lol. But that is me, many many girls I know considered themselves feminist and will not accept help. If you already know she is not type to accept help, then anonymous is way to go. If you feel she is like me, receptive and sweet, then doing it face to face is okay. She might even give you a hug and give you a nice meal/gift too--! =)
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (12 December 2016):
 Great suggestion from Denizen.
That way it doesn't have to turn awkward if she refuses as it may also possibly offend.
Very thouhtful of you by the way also.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (12 December 2016):
 I think Denizen's idea is nice, but it could make her creeped out because a potential stranger has sent her and her children gifts. That could be very unnerving for a single mum, especially if none of her family members did it. It would show that someone knows where they live and it could feel quite threatening, as though she possibly has a stalker.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (12 December 2016):
Don't offer her money; you're not even officially dating, so offering to give her money for anything would be inappropriate. It's nice of you to want to, but they're not your family to take care of, so it's a bad idea.If you want to do something nice, ask if you could take her and her kids to a kid-friendly restaurant for a pre-Christmas meal out, as neighbours. Be clear that you're offering as a neighbour, so she doesn't feel like you're moving the dating too fast.She's working very hard because she knows it's her responsibility and her kids will hopefully be learning that you don't need a lot of money to enjoy Christmas.Keep saving up your money for your future, not for someone you're unofficially dating.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (12 December 2016):
 Why don't you arrange for a hamper and perhaps a couple of gifts for the children to be delivered anonymously? Nothing could be simpler by internet.
Then you can do the Santa thing properly by denying all knowledge of where they came from.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2016): Dont hesitate. It is very generous and kind of you to be aware of her difficulties.Tell her that you would like to buy presents for her and the kids but since you dont know what they would like you would be happy if she can help out.I am sure she will appreciate it and bring you even closer to her..
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (12 December 2016):
 What a nice thought. But yes, I see your dilemma.
What about taking her and the kids out somewhere nice as a treat, somewhere both she and the kids will enjoy (although it sounds like she will be happy if her kids are happy, so maybe concentrate on the kids?).
What about ordering in a load of food for Xmas for them? That will save her buying it and she can spend the money on presents for the kids instead. You would obviously need to consult with her on this but something along the lines of "Look, I would like to treat you and the kids for Xmas, so will you let me buy you your Xmas food as a little present from me?"
Hope you all have a lovely Xmas.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2016): Don't give don't offer any money. Instead buy the presents yourself and Share a nice meal. It will say a lot about you in a positive way.
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