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female
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anonymous
writes: I married one of my ex-husbands friends, he lived with us as a roommate and then we began an affair after he moved out. I have a child with both husbands, aged 20 and 11. My husband/ex-hubby's friend/father of my child is extremely jealous and possessive, even though I have never cheated on him in 13 years and have no desire to. I do however like to go out and socialize, and he doesn't, so everytime I am away from him for even an hour he flips. He can't seem to get it through his head that I left one man for him, changed my lifestyle completely and need to have time to be with people other than him. He would like to sit home with me all the time and hold my hand. He is very attractive and so am I, and we both have had our share of partners, but he still can't let me out of his sight. Any suggestions?
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male
reader, Sparks +, writes (19 May 2006):
 There is a clear incompatibility between you two, you being more avid for a social life and him preferring the stay at home life style. Yes, that’s something that will always bother both of you, but the good news it doesn’t seem like something insurmountable.
You mention how this makes it hard to live with him, although he’s a good husband and father. However, ironically, if you put yourself in his place, he will probably have exactly the same complaints: “she is a good wife and a good mother, but a bit hard to live with since she wants to go out all the time instead of staying home to keep me company”.
I’m not sure this is a matter where one of you is right or wrong about your stances. All there’s to it is the different pace and rhythm you have regarding your social life.
So what can be done about it? How can you improve the situation? I suggest you try to get him to go out by doing things with you that he may also enjoy. For instance, instead of going out to look at shop windows (most men hate this), invite him to go to the cinema to watch a movie of his preference, then follow it up with a nice dinner at a restaurant. If he likes it, you may then try repeating this every once in a while, like every weekend or something. If it works, from then on, you can start doing different things (trying a pub or bar), having other couples coming along, etc. I’m sure this isn’t exactly what you want, but it may be a start for a change from the old stay at home watching TV routine.
If he is not open to this approach, then you will have to kindly explain you are inviting him to do something every couple does, and if he doesn’t want to do that, you respect his wish, but he cannot expect you not to go out on your own if he refuses to come. Try to show him how much you want to include him in your social programs. That will make him feel important and hopefully less restrictive about them.
Remember, none of us will ever find the perfect partner, there will always be certain things that don’t match very well and therefore, in theory, most people out there will turn out to be someone difficult to live with; what varies are the reasons behind the difficulties. I don’t mean to be negative. I just feel it’s necessary to have a realistic view on things before taking harsh decisions like leaving a person. You already have a man with the main qualities most girls wish for – a caring husband and a good father.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are exactly right, and I have accepted his ways and know "people do not change for other people". I have put up with his idiosyncrasies after moving into the house he owned first, but now belongs to us both. I have done major work to it and contributed to the paying off of the mortgage, yet still get the attitude everytime I piss him off, "GET OUT". I just wish I could find someone to convince him to lighten up, I am a well liked person, and constantly being told to leave him, "I don't deserve it". But he is a good man, a good father, just a little hard to live with.
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A
female
reader, smeedle  +, writes (19 May 2006):
 He is very insecure but you know this already, has he always been like this and if so why is it now just becomming such an issue, is it that you are getting sick of his lack of "fun" and you are just comming to realise that you want different things, he want you at home playing safe wiffey and you want to be out making friends and meeting new people and having some social life that does not include sitting on the settee holding hands and wathcing coronation st.
Sounds to me like you both want different things and you are preparing to either leave him or stay and upset the applecart.
He will not change and neither should you.
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