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female
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anonymous
writes: I married one of my ex-husbands friends, he lived with us as a roommate and then we began an affair after he moved out. I have a child with both husbands, aged 20 and 11. My husband/ex-hubby's friend/father of my child is extremely jealous and possessive, even though I have never cheated on him in 13 years and have no desire to. I do however like to go out and socialize, and he doesn't, so everytime I am away from him for even an hour he flips. He can't seem to get it through his head that I left one man for him, changed my lifestyle completely and need to have time to be with people other than him. He would like to sit home with me all the time and hold my hand. He is very attractive and so am I, and we both have had our share of partners, but he still can't let me out of his sight. Any suggestions?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2006): It's obvious that your current husband has a difficult time with 'trust' and can't forget past indiscretion. Sometimes this happens in 2nd marriage where previous 'lovers' marry. He could be thinking 'she had an affair on her 1st husband, will she do it it to me?' I am not in the middle of your marriage but I have to ask...how much time do you spend socializing without him? If you do this a lot...then he's worried. How do you build the trust? By spending time together. Marriage is when two people become one and they do things together. When a marriage hits a barrier, two people use compromise and negotiation. You may have to minimize your socializing and spend time with him. And he should meet halfway by allowing you to socialize with your friends but he should be going with you. Perhaps he should make a point of being included in your outside socializing; after all, everyone needs some. Open the channels of communication. It's time to talk to your husband..I mean 'really talk'. Find a moment when you can put aside all disappointments and anger at past pain and talk calmly and caringly. There's nothing to gain from confrontation except ill will. So keep this discussion mature. Remind him what you two first saw in each other and what you both hoped to build together in marriage. Then ask him what in his own life or your current relationship he would like to do better. You need to ask him what his ideas about married life are. This is the kind of information all couples need to exchange regularly. If he doesn't respond with concern for your feelings and this marriage, then there is no relationship to save. Good luck and I wish you both well.
A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (19 May 2006):
 This sounds like a case od non-communication. If you like to go out and he doesn't can you not both meet in the middle? Maybe start going out with him and do stuff that doesn't involve just pubs and clubs (I am very much presuming here tho honey!). Go for meals and to the cinema, that sort of thing. Then when you go out where you want to go with your friends at least you have spent time with him. And it doesn't have the boredom issue of sitting in the house.
As for the trust issue...I think that maybe because of the way you got together in the first place. I think that he feels insecure because as you said *I left one man for him* and he might think you are going to do it again. I am not in any way suggesting you are, but it may be the mindset he is in.
I think to resolve your issues it would be a good idea to get some impartial advice form an outside party such as a professional relationship counseller, who can talk you through any issues both of you may have AND help you to work them out or come to a comprimise.
I hope you are able to sort out these problems and I wish you a whole lot of luck.
x
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