A
male
age
41-50,
*ommy2k7
writes:My ex cheated on me with a womanizer. they were together for 8 months and then he cheated; everyone warned her but she wouldn't listen!I still have strong feelings for her, and (very illogical) would like to get back with her).. However, I don't want to rush into anything. What shall I do?
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cheated on me, get back together, my ex, womaniser Reply to this Question
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male
reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (25 March 2008):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Why do I now feel like I'm going through all the emotions again that I was going through when we split up a year ago?
A
male
reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (21 March 2008):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI see your pointI want to add:I use Facebook quite a lot, and she knows I look at her profile quite a lot, and I saw she was single.It did cross my mind that maybe she is telling the truth, she wants to make her ex think she's single again and see what he does, or maybe she just likes male attention.The ex I'm talking about is the ex (they've now split up, she's now seeing another guy) that she left me for.Another thing: she told me she was with the guy she's with now before me again, they broke up apparently cos he wouldnt go and see her (she lived 3 hrs away), and I think she'll get hurt again (I know long-distance relationships can work, but I dont think this will, in the long-term)I do respect her privacy on Facebook, but we both look at each other's profiles quite a lot!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (21 March 2008):
 This is a very convoluted story. What is clear, however, is that she likes to play games. Pay attention to my words: I'm not saying she's a player, as saying that would mean that she doesn't have serious relationships, and I can't say it, though I strongly suspect she is.
That said, however, I insist: she likes to play silly games. And you don't seem to be very good at playing her gamess. Which, in my eyes, is a good thing: that means you're serious. You don't know how to play these sort of things.}
If I were you, I would stay the hell away from her. She changes her Facebook status to single, knowing that Facebook guys will try to hit on her. At the same time, she asks you "not to tell anyone" that she's with someone. Which can be taken to mean she wouldn't want to blow her chances with a real person in the area. And then she has someone, whom she is "testing". I wonder what sort of a test this one is.
And then, you think of the person she is with as an "ex". Maybe he's not an ex, you know.
I also noticed you keep en eye on her things; otherwise, you wouldn't have known she had changed her status. Some girls would be angry at this, as they would feel like they were closely monitored. On the other hand, now she knows she has you where she wants you. She says she's single, and you're there in a second. And she turns you down again.
I strongly recommend that you stop thinking about this girl and move on. This time, it's not her fault that you got sad; she told you she has someone else already. Now is the time to seriously move on, poster. Don't waste any more of your time.
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male
reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (21 March 2008):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'd like some advice
My ex is on Facebook - and on Wed morning, I went on to find her relationship status had changed to single again, and I secretly thought now's my chance!
Last night we had a conversation and she wanted to tell me something and made me make a promise not to tell anyone.
She said she wasn't single, and the reason why she said she was is she wants to 'test someone' (her ex who she left me for). She said he told her wanted her back and still loved her, so when she found out he still loved her, she changed her status to see if he would try it on!
I sort of know why she did it, but I sort of dont!
When she told me last night she wasn't single, it felt like I was reliving the time when she dumped me.
Help! I'm confused - what the heck is she doing?!!
Does she still have feelings for me, him? I dont know - help!
Do girls do this sort of stuff?
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male
reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (25 February 2008):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry, I should have explaimed myself better!!
When I said she feels she can tell me anything, we don't talk about the relationship she was in, we both, strangely enough, talk about when we were together!
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (25 February 2008):
 Hi Tommy,
I got an email from her this morning, saying that she feels she can tell me anything, so that is good to hear.
Sorry, but I disagree. It sounds like she sees you as a friend, not a lover. She should not be telling you things about the relationship she left you for. You are playing the role of the therapist, and that is the worst thing an ex could do to make her feel attracted to you.
As I said before, I'm a bit hesitant about getting back with her, that's if she wants me back (not that I don't want to). If she does, I've got to ask myself if I want to risk getting hurt again and if she does the same thing again, do I want to go through what I did first time
You should be hesitant. The reasons she cheated on you to begin with are still present. Since those have not changed, she will not change either. She WILL do it to you again.
In the time you have been apart, have you dated other women? I really think that is what you need to be focusing on.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
male
reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (25 February 2008):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI got an email from her this morning, saying that she feels she can tell me anything, so that is good to hear.
As I said before, I'm a bit hesitant about getting back with her, that's if she wants me back (not that I don't want to). If she does, I've got to ask myself if I want to risk getting hurt again and if she does the same thing again, do I want to go through what I did first time
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female
reader, Manya  +, writes (24 February 2008):
Dear Tommy2K7,
It's FAB that you are continuing a previous question! I so often wonder what happens to those who ask for advice, whether it helps, etc.!
The previous answers still are relevant, like about REALLY getting over her cheating and also asserting your manhood. But I think it's good you also value the friendship. Maybe the slow way is best. Since she seems open to
getting back together again, you should spend time together. How she thinks about her affair with the womanizer is important, too.
Also, perhaps originally she was less mature.
I think it's courageous of you to consider getting back together with your ex.
Many months have gone by, and you still care for her, deeply it seems!
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male
reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (20 February 2008):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wish I'd found this site in summer 2006 - then I think my ex and I would still be together.
This is an 'if' question but if it does happen, I want to be prepared
She has moved now, to Oxford (again, roughly the same distance), but if she does want to get back with me (even though I do want her back), I don't want to get hurt again. What would other readers do?
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male
reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (21 August 2007):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's so annoying sometimes to know, if you want someone back, that you have to be friends again before something could happen.
I just feel like seizing the day before it's too late!
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (18 August 2007):
It is OK to want her back, but it is not ok to take her back just because she asks.
The best way to play it cool is to play it honestly WITH A CHALLENGE.
Let her know that you "would" like her back, BUT she has to EARN your trust again. She cheated on you before, and unless you make her feel that she has to EARN you, she will not respect you, and thus she WILL cheat on you again. I know because I have been the womanizer in your situation, and the above is the ONLY thing that ever worked to keep her from coming back into my bed, even if only just for fun after she got back together with the ex-bf.
Just let her know directly, that she must EARN your attention back, and then give her tests, challenges and opportinties to earn you back.
Do NOT become her THERAPIST regarding this guy under any circumstances. That is the worst thing you can do. Being her shoulder to cry on will make her see you as a "friend", not a lover. Esp given that she cheated and left you for this bozo. Becoming her therapist is the surest way to keep you at bay, and makes her want to be with him again.
I cannot fathon why you can not find value in someone else. Surely, there are better women that her out there...have you even been looking? Just keep in mind (and this is going to disgust you) that while you were passionately kissing and tasting her lips and tougue, where (she knew) her lips and tongue were at (on his member) recently enough. Are you sure you want her back?
-Frank B Kermit
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male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (17 August 2007):
I agree that if you love someone, being a shoulder to cry is very good. A very nice thing to do. But, here I am giving advice to a good man who wants her woman back. So my concern is not the woman, but the poster of the question.
If you become her shoulder to cry, you run the risk of staying there: as a shoulder to cry. She hasn't made a move to return to you; if you return to her and become "a shoulder", why should she think that you're anything but that? Isn't that the capacity in which you're approaching her? My mistakes with women have taught me that you need to be very clear about what you expect from them: are you a friend, an acquaintance, a lover?
How would you feel if you had hopes of her returning, voiced your expectations, and she said "I thought we were just friends"? She'd be right, you know.
You do raise a very, very good point. Let's see: she dumped you to go after this man. This man dumps her. Seen in this light, do you still want to become her shoulder to cry on for the loss of the man she preferred over you? This is like a bit too much for me.
It sounds a bit cruel not to comfort a person you love. But, who comforted you when she dumped you?
And take Manya's advice: she might be tempted to use you as a stepping stone. I'm not sure she is unreliable, but, you need to be careful with your feelings.
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female
reader, Manya +, writes (17 August 2007):
If you really love her and there's a lot of substance between you two, being a shoulder to cry on is not the worse thing to be! But if you want her back for yourself you do need to assert your Manhood, as Danielepew suggests.She was unfaithful before, and she might be just using you as a stepping stone. To me, she doesn't sound like a very good bet.She kind of takes you for granted? I know you love her, but be careful of your heart! Stay cool by not going overboard.
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male
reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (17 August 2007):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAs I don't want to be a shoulder to cry on, how else can I play it cool? I want to get back with her, but I don't want it to be obvious!
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male
reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (17 August 2007):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice.
As you know I want her back, but I'm just going to be there for her and be a good listener, I have told her, as a friend, that if she wants to talk, she can (but still, why would she talk to her ex about this?)
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male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (17 August 2007):
I think you are getting this wrong. Of course you have a say in whether a relationship is resumed or not, but, since you already love her, it is she who will decide whether she wants you back or not.
If you become a shoulder to cry on, in the hope that this will bring her back to you, you'll be making a huge mistake. Play it cool, yes, but don't become that. You were her MAN, and this is what you need to be. Her MAN, or someone she broke up with. This is my advice.
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male
reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (17 August 2007):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am going to play it cool, and just be there for her as a shoulder to cry on.
If I did decide to get back with her, how should I play it?
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male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (17 August 2007):
It's not illogical for you to still have feelings for her. That is called love. However, , first things first: Are you sure she wants to come back to you? Apparently this was not just a short adventure for her. It ended when the other man ended it, not necessarily when she wanted to end it. Perhaps she is heartbroken over him?
Can you get over her cheating? I mean, really get over it. At this moment, the pain of not having her is the most important point and you'd give away anything just to have her back; but, once she is with you, things will change, and maybe you'll worry about her leaving you again. Think hard. Spare yourself more heartbreak.
Hope this helps.
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