A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,how do i deal with ex marital jealousy?My husband and i, we've been married for almost 2 years now and we do love each other and all who know us would say we have the "ideal" relationship and marriage.Most unfortunately, within my headspace nobody knows what i'm thinking and for the most part, not even my husband.My husband mentioned to me, not long after our early courtship, that he spoilt his ex wife like crazy, yet she wasn't fully appreciative, nor fully mentally stable.It appeared to me at the time, that he must have loved her beyond measure nonetheless.I believe that he loves me and i do love him, but as his new wife, from time to time, i also wish to be pampered and spoilt and yes, just as his ex wife, because i always spoil him and he knows this.I won't lie and say that my husband does nothing for me, because he does, but it's funny, as the thing that i want most, he rarely, if never, buys for me and really, this costs nothing.I always tell him how much i love flowers and even if i receive them once per fortnight or even per month, how much they mean to me, especially as i'm his new wife.He has appeared to listen to what i'm saying and he's even said that he'll buy me flowers if that's what i love and what makes me happy.To be fair, he has bought me flowers prior and once, when i wasn't even expecting them, but for the most part, i always have to ask.I feel as though i'm begging and grovelling and for what? For flowers only.To all out there, no, i am not a selfish, inconsiderate and unappreciative person, far from it.I actually feel as i do, because he has bragged about how much money he has always had and as to how much he did for so many other women and people prior to me.It appears to me that he wasn't thinking straight when he told me more than i should have known regarding his past.I know he has the right to express himself as he sees fit and i know that he had a life prior to me, but i can't say that i was very impressed to hear that he spent nothing short of a fortune on his ex wife. My husband's ex wife didn't even work one day.My husband has told me many times, that he loves me more so than anybody prior to me and that he'd do anything for me, but i often ask myself, is he for real or is he just calling my bluff and pulling my leg?I sincerely don't know, even though i don't want to think the worst of him.Am i selfish for admitting that i spoil my husband and that i'd like to be shown appreciation every now and then too, or should i just learn to accept what is and deal with it?I sincerely don't know if i can.Thanks in advance!
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ex-wife, flowers, his ex, jealous, money Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 October 2017):
 Stop comparing your marriage to his old one, that stuff will drive you crazy! Honestly I think their is much more to a marriage than being spoiled. Seriously as long as he is good to you, looks after you and treats you well then you should be happy. I am not long married, have yet to receive flowers since being married, and guess what? I am happy and content. If you like flowers then go and buy yourself some and appreciate them. If you feel you spoil him to much then stop doing that.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2017): I was in a relationship for 28 years, which ended when my partner died of cancer. We had something special, that will be different from any other relationship I'll ever have hereafter.
I've dated different people since his death, got dumped in one relationship few years back; and now I have a new one now in progress.
I am too busy living in the present, and dealing with my current relationship. I don't spend time inside my head finding fault. I learned a long time ago, to know when I've got it good; and to appreciate when I'm blessed. This one is as good as it gets. He is wonderful. It's different. I thought after my first partner died, that was it for me. I thought I couldn't love anyone else as much. Lo and behold!
New wives seem to notice how things change; because from courtship to the alter was not so long ago.
Once a marriage or relationship ripens into a more mature and established union; it seems to have lost some of the shiny frills and perks. That's because the relationship is all grown-up. The pedals of the courtship-blossom have fallen away, and you are now seeing the ripened-fruit.
This is from where you will build and shape a life together.
He can also see how you transformed from a girlfriend to a wife. A guy notices the difference in the bedroom first.
There are little sweet things that we tend to overlook; because we're too busy finding fault, sweetheart. Why doesn't he do this, or do that? Well, there are little things you're under-appreciating that he only does for you. Sit down with a glass of wine or a cup of tea, and think.
I like the way my guy folds my socks. He takes my car to the car-wash for detailing every Saturday morning. Every-time he runs to the store or shops for himself; he brings me some weird little snack, or a silly gadget or gizmo that ends-up on my desk at work. He loves to tickle, I hate tickling. He calls me "Dear Abby" ( Abigail Van Buren, the acclaimed advice-columnist from back in the day. Her column is now taken over by her daughter.)
He knows it irritates me, but it's endearing. I hate when he farts in the car and blames it on me. He makes me laugh! He always makes me do a few more reps at the gym, or he calls me a big wussy! He inspires me. He comforts me. I tend to take that a little for granted. You have to think about it, or these things will get missed.
Stop complaining about those things you think he ought to do, and look at those cute little odd-things that he does for you that he would be ashamed if you told his buddies.
I do understand how ladies love the flowers and candy for no reason. I truly get that. It really does swell your heart.
You should make a totally big fuss when he does it. Turn on the tear faucets. If you get them and you don't make much of a fuss; then he thinks it's no big deal. Make a huge fuss over every sweet thing your guy does, and you'll start to realize just how often it happens. How do you think I figured it out? My favorite place to offer reward and incentive is in the bedroom. Wink! Wink! It's not the things money can buy for me either. I can buy "stuff." Maybe not as expensive as he can afford; but who's competing?
Well, I get bigger gifts because he's loaded; but those silly oddball things he does are what sticks to my heart.
I can't remember any two relationships being alike. Each offered me something different; and each brought out something different in my personality. I've evolved, I've matured, and I'm not the same man I was in my first relationship. Even getting dumped brought out something better in me. I'm stronger, and resilient. Wiser! Being an uncle for this site has changed me, and I treat my boyfriend better; because i have learned from the experience of others. I have a firmer grasp on reality, and appreciate what I have all the more. I see what I have that others don't! So I try to help them!
I read the advice from other aunts and uncles here. They helped my healing-process after I got dumped. I was a mess.
Too many changes have taken place in my life since my first. I don't get history lessons on my partner's past. He sometimes recalls events from the past with others. They go in one ear and out the other. I guess it's different for a woman. Women have total-recall of every little detail. Your husband will soon learn to shut-up about his ex-wife.
Are you the same woman you were in your twenties? Are all your tastes and opinions still the same? Do you treat your husband like all the guys you've dated in the past? I've learned that it isn't fair to compare my relationship with any other relationship. Be it my past, or the past relationships my partners had.
Want to know why? Because I don't want a relationship like the others. I want one cutout, tailored, and designed especially for me. I want a custom-made relationship based on who I am, and what I mean to my lover and partner. I want it woven from the fabric we create as a match. Unique!
You've passed the honeymoon stage of your marriage; so things tend to settle-down into contentment. You are forgetting a few important details. He was younger, it was a different time in his life, and she became his "ex-wife." Maybe he learned something about spoiling wives!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 October 2017):
 I think it's a cop-out for him to say that he spoiled his ex-wife and it didn't work out, so now he won't spoil you.
YOU are not his ex-wife. You are you.
How people show love is different from person to person, that is true but so is ADAPTING to your partner's needs.
Do this little quiz with him and then have a chat.
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/
You aren't telling him to spoil you constantly, you are saying you would LOVE it if he would show appreciation every now and then as well.
So no, I don't think you should just "suck it up". I think you should tell him how it makes you feel.
And I'd reiterate that you are NOT his ex-wife.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (2 October 2017):
Simple thought...
If your husband spoiled his EX wife like crazy, and that did not work out...You would like to be treated the same way...so that your relationship will be better???
If you and your friend are walking down the road, and you see a cute dog. Your friend goes up and pet the dog. The dog gets mad and tears her hand to pieces.
Do you believe that if you pet the same dog...the outcome will be better for you??
You have already seen the results of being pampered and spoiled too much...yet you want to experience the same thing....Ummmm.
You ever heard the saying..."Be content with what you have."
Have you ever a seen a spoil and pampered person amount to anything good????
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