A
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age
,
anonymous
writes:What is the impact of a spouse hearing these words: "I'd leave but I don't want to hurt the kids"? Having been recently accused of knowing that I don't love my spouse, I'm trying to reconcile that statement with the knowledge that she'd leave but she doesn't want to hurt the kids. Is that a hurtful statement to make? And not apologize for?Thoughts? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 August 2010):
 I think the better question to ask is - what made her say that statement? From where I'm sitting, it sounds like she's crying out and BEGGING for love. This is just my initial assessment based on the little you've shared about the marriage.
Here's why I say it - if she's (or someone else?) accusing you of "knowing you don't love her", that usually means that she's feeling that you're being distant and cold towards her. Now granted, if she were here and I were advising her, I'd tell her to tell you what's wrong in plain English and not to cry out for help in that way.
It takes a LOT for a woman to get to the point where she's making statements like that. Sounds like years of pent up resentment have finally spilled out. You need to look past that statement itself and talk about what's lacking in the marriage, preferably both of you with a marriage counselor. I'm guessing that when you fight, you lapse into the same old fights that go the same way and end the same way over the same things.
You need to decide what to do. If you truly don't love her anymore, then it's time to end it. If you do love her, you need some professional help and some serious time spent with her talking it out and repairing the marriage, and that means cutting through the old fights that aren't working.
I know what she said hurt, and she shouldn't have said it, especially if she really didn't mean it. Even if she did, there are better ways to make most people listen other than threatening divorce.
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (26 August 2010):
 I'm confused she said it, right? I've heard that awful statement a few times..it says I want a divorce but I'm staying in this so our kids can have a normal life. I hate this statement because it's better to do it when they're younger and they kind of understand than when they're grown, also toss an affair in the mix. My parents got divorced when I was 22 and the tension in the house was so thick you could cut it with a knife. Honestly, it was one of the worst times in my life because you don't know it any other way, 22 years down the drain. Should she apologize? If she said it out of spite then yes, because as I stated that's not a statement to toss around lightly. However, if that's not the case and that's how she truly feels then a divorce could be in the works. Talk to her and see which one it is, and do please take in consideration your children.
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