A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:in need of help...two nights ago, out of frustration and in the heat of the moment, i slightly raised my voice at my girlfriend of 6 months. this was the first time I ever did that. I simply got upset over something involving us. later on in the night, we talked on FaceTime and she was really upset and crying a little bit. she told me how she doesn't like getting yelled at b/c of something w/ her past. apparently it traumatizes her. she's one of those shy, emotionally fragile kinds of girls... I sincerely apologized of course and just let her know how much I love her and what not. I tried to make her feel better. we called it a night and hung up. problem is, she's been ignoring me since then. we haven't talked for 2 straight days. which has never happened w/ us before..another problem is that I don't get to see her too often. I don't know what to do anymore :( i've texted her a good deal and it says that she has read my messages.. but she sont reply...any insight as to what is happening and some good advice on what to do would be great. PLEASE HELP! :(
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (19 May 2013):
 i'm not trying to make you beat yourself up. i'm sure you are already doing that enough on your own. give yourself a break. you made a mistake. however, yelling in a relationship is a really bad thing. it's an extremely unhealthy way of dealing with anger or frustration and there's really no excuse for two adults to yell at each other under any circumstance. that being said, ignoring someone and disappearing is ALSO an extremely unhealthy way of dealing with something. you both have things you clearly need to work on.
do i think this means that you don't deserve a second chance? well in my opinion, no. i would give you another chance if it were me. afterall, people do make mistakes. but i'm not her. she clearly has a lot of issues with this.
best thing you can do is what was already said. let her know you recognize the error of your ways and that you are very sorry. let her know that you will not do this again and you will work to regain her trust. also let her know that the ball is now in her court. that she knows where you stand and it's up to her to respond. if not, then you will begin to move on because you have no other choice. this will be the last text you send her and that you hope to hear back to work things out. and then STOP sending texts and calling. good luck. i think she'll come around.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ anonymous: "You need to NOT yell unless its a very serious situation."
I don't think I yelled @ her. I would say "defensive raised voice" as you put it.
@ anonymous: "Honestly you need to work on your temper and communication in times if disagreement. Obviously you lashed out loudly and heatedly enough to really scare her. Take this opportunity to work on yourself."
like i said, this was the first time I ever raised my voice like this @ her in our 6 months of being together. I've NEVER had a temper w/ her before... & I did not lash out loudly & heatedly. I said like 2 sentences in a slightly raised voice & left... I don't regret getting upset but I sure do regret the way I went about it by raising my voice @ her. she's still ignoring me
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2013): You need to NOT yell unless its a very serious situation. You need to learn to talk your disagreements out. My now husband has 'yelled' perhaps one or two times in our five year relationship and even that wasn't 'yelling', just defensive raised voice. Honestly you need to work on your temper and communication in times if disagreement. Obviously you lashed out loudly and heatedly enough to really scare her. Take this opportunity to work on yourself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2013): I've been there before man, and if she loves you she'll be back but from now on it's up to you to control yourself and not go over the edge. For now, give her some space and let the issue die down. She'll start to miss you and then reach out to contact, when she does give her a sincere apology and let her know that you'll work to do better next time, and do your best not to go back to that place. Good luck & treat her like a queen!
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (18 May 2013):
 I don't think she's punishing you. I think she withdrew because she does not feel safe and needs to calm the fear that this argument brought up in her. It's like when you raise your hand to hit a dog who has gone through abuse in the past. The dog will run under the bed and hide from you, until it feels safe. You have to coax her out of hiding. Be gentle, loving, caring. If you get frustrated with her withdrawal, she'll withdraw even more.
You may have to handle her with kid gloves when having an argument in the future. I think you need to learn to communicate effectively without raising your voice. I think that shouting at someone in anger is abusive, so you need to be mindful of this in the future.
You should also research the psychological effects of abuse on a person, so you will better understand her. I also think she needs to see a therapist about her past, so that she can heal.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (18 May 2013):
 I wonder what has happened in her past that causes her to be traumatized by what happened between you two. I say this because "ignoring" someone is a method that is common by people who have trauma personality affect that is a method of punishing. Although, it's not unknown by those who have not been traumatizes as well.
Send her one message and let her know that you hate that you frightened her, and a quick message of how you feel about her and being with her. Then let her know that your messages are going to stop, and that you hope to hear from her at some point. Then stop your communication with her. The last thing you want to do is become the stalker, even if that's not your intent. Often when you send many texts you seem to refuel their anger, when what they need is a little time. I've seen relationships end simply because of not giving a little space. Try this and see how that works for you.
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