A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I miss my ex so much. Me and him broke up almost 10 years ago. We both moved on and I got married, divorced and contacted him, and he got in and out of several relationships, but today he doesn´t seem to be interrested. He was my first real boyfriend, and he was one of the best things that happened to me. ( If anyone intends to write and say" why did you break up with him " then please don´t bother to respond or if you want to give me "tough love" don´t bother... I know more to tough love than you people can imagine, thanks to my ex husband) We broke up because we hurt each other too much, and we were both young at that time. The fights could have been solved if only I knew then what I know now, but I feel it is too late. I can be with other guys, but no one of them ever reaches up to the way he was, not even my ex husband. I divorced my ex husband because he was abusing me and treating me very badly, and now when I feel so broken, I long for my ex boyfriend and wish he could be in my life again. He was so different, so caring, full of love, affection, he knew me. He really really knew me. And I know he still cares for me, he has even said this, but when I tried to contact him, he let me know that he wasn´t interessted in having me back into his life. That hurt a lot, but I can´t help having these feelings, this feeling of longing to true love, harmony and happiness again. I am not putting my happiness into his hands ( no comments about me putting my happines into someone elses hands please, I am making this clear now so that I won´t read about it later), but I wish he was in my life again, because I have really realized that what matters is happiness, health and love in life....I miss him so much. So much! What should I do? I don´t want to bother contacting him anymore ( I tried several other ways indirectly, asking him things, but he hasnt bothered to respond) and I take his silence as a harsh and cold no.. I wish there was something I could do. On one hand I feel he is judging me, on the other hand, I feel it is his loss if he doesn´t want to give us a chance as just friends. The thing is, ( I don´t mean to sound arrogant, but..) I am a very attractive female, I have the biggest heart and a very calm personality and most guys approach me without me having to make any effort. But I don´t want to be with just anyone. I want to experience true love again, that passion, that fire I had with my ex. I don´t know what to do. Please help.
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broke up, divorce, miss my ex, my ex Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am staring to accept the fact that me and him will never again get back together. It hurts, but it hurts more to be rejected and feel that all that love that was so amazing is all in the past. I do feel rejected! I wrote him last night and asked him for a work related advice but he read without answering back! That just made me accept that he is not into me, most likely at a stage in his life where he is striving for something and I am definitely not in that plan. It hurts though...
I know there are 3 billion men out there but why in earth is it that I can't get over him... I think I am basically longing for love. My ex (not the good guy) treated me so bad that I feel very hurt still. You say seek therapy but I believe in soul search, personal growth etc and though a therapist can be a helping hand there isn't anything she he can say that I don't know already..
My point is, on the outside I may appear very confident, look wise I know I am beautiful ( don't mean to be arrogant) but in the depth of Everything I feel lost. I feel my self esteem is shattered especially after this rejection. I don't know what to do.. I really just want a normal down to earth and kind guy but most I meet ( I haven't dated for a while because of this) are not serious. They are into my looks like I am a trophy but they are not into a serious relationship that needs commitment. So much for that 3 billion statistic..
It's just hard!
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (15 December 2014):
I don't mean to offend you, but I think your best option is to see a therapist. No, you're not crazy, but I believe you have an irrational fantasy for this guy.
You seem to be aware of that in a way, but not enough to end the fantasy.
And a fantasy it is, since you claim both of you are completely different people than you were back then. If that's so, then you're living in the past.
If you can't get over this guy on your own, it's time to call in the professionals. Because from what you describe there's absolutely no interest in any contact with you, let alone starting a relationship. You can't do anything about that.
If it makes you feel better, there are 3 billion men in the world. As much as you cared about him, there are many guys just like him and, believe it or not, there are some you'd like more.
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really appreciate all the answers and replies, however.. I just feel it is way too hard to contact him again, and at the same time, let go of the memories.
I think it is those memories that makes me hold on to the past. It was one of the greatest period of my life.
True love - that´s all I can say.
After have experienced a different kind of relatioship ( marriage) afterwards, I realize that that kind of love I had with my ex boyfriend is very rare to find. I guess, that kind of person is hard to find nowadays and I know I am a very good girl,but it saddens me that he can´t even see that.
He has basically written and said that he doesn´t want to go backwards and that he is not the same person if that is what I think he is - and I don´t have those thoughts at all, I am aware that we both have changed and when I offered that we should meet and talk over a cup of coffee he declined. It didn´t feel like he was involved in a serious relationship ( maybe a fling or an eventual one) but it felt like he was scared of finding out who I am today, scared that what we had will vanish with what he "discovers" today and if only he knew that I am 1000 % better version of that girl I was when me and him were both teenageers.
I don´t know, I just miss that love again. It was one of a kind, once in a life time. Trust me... That is why it is so hard now when I look around and see how some of my friends have found that kind of love, and how stupid I feel for not have given him that second chance.
We were like one soul.. He knew me inside out and I knew him. He committed so much to us, and went all his way to make me happy. Look wise he always half-joked and said that I was way out of his league and his friends used to joke with us and tell him that he should never let go of me, but I saw straight into his heart. I feel so in love with that.
The reason I broke up with him was right after our longdistance began - it was actually a lack of trust that started on both ends and a girl came between us and I got too upset and allowed my pride to get into the way. Actually, to be completely honest, I thought I would be with someone "better" because he hurt me at that point.
But he showed remorse and did everything, everything to in me back but I didn´t listen.. Less than a year later I met my ex husband and now I feel so scarred and it feels just hopeless..
I am even afraid of being with someone else other than my ex boyfriend because I am afraid of getting hurt again the way my ex husband hurt me.
I hope for your understand and that you guys understand that I am not forcing him into anything. These are my complete honest thoughts and I am confused on what to do.. Or what not to do..
Thank you all once again.. I appreciate your time deeply
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (14 December 2014):
By asking people to not use their experience to answer you're making it pretty difficult to answer. How do you think people learn about these kinds of things?
The only answer you want is how to get back with this guy, yet you know your options and you're saying that none of them are good ones. So, where does that leave you?
Since "get over him" was really the only answer you got, try it out. Start dating, and if one guy isn't right, try another. When you meet the right guy your ex bf will stop being an issue. But if you dismiss all these guys before they even have a chance, you'll be single and lonely for a long time.
Sometimes there are no good answers. It's an unfortunate fact of life. If you really want a chance with your ex bf, you're going to have to cross your comfort barrier. Contact him again, ask to have coffee and catch up.
You don't really say what was said between you two. If you threw yourself at him and he rejected you, it'll be difficult to convince him to go out for coffee since he'll know your real intentions. But you can try.
He probably is seeing someone and that's why he's not responding. Going to his work or anything like that would make you seem crazy, so your only options are to wait or contact him again. But, I repeat, DON'T sound desperate. Ask for a simple meeting, don't tell him he's the "one" and you just realized it or anything similar. Don't ask him to get back with you or anything similar. Just ask for coffee to catch up.
If that doesn't work then this is one of those time when there is probably not a good answer for you. Sometimes you just have to move on. And you seem to think that he's impossible to move on from, but everyone has had that experience at some point in their life, you just do it. You'll have to stop yourself from thinking about him and start dating new guys.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really wish a male could answer me without dragging in their own experience. Just because some of you haven´t been lucky to get back with your exes doesn´t means ame thing will happen me.. As I said, I wish to be adviced, adviced and not be given advice according to your own experience.
I am thinking, you guys, if you were contacted by your ex. and you two had a great love and commitment towards each other, and you even told her 10 years later : I will always want the best for you, what does that mean?
Me and him had the greatest love I can think of, he was one of the greatest men I´ve known, and I am sorry I never gave him a second chance.
I jsut don´t want to mess up my chances, or future chances by continuing contacting him when he said that he didn´t think there would be a chance for me and him.
I guess, I just wish he would have given me a second chance and my question is..: What should I do?
He has moved closer to my town, but I would never take the chance and meet him at his work, that would be too wild.
I am hoping I will bump into him, but the chance is very slim.
I dno´t know.
I just feel things were different. I don´t think I will ever find such love again.
I know it has a lot to do with how my ex husband treated me and how good my ex boyfriend was treating me.
I know I look darn good and have an amazing personality as well, but it just saddens me..
A girl like myself ( I don´t mean to sound arrogant, but this is the only time I can be upfront, and I wouldn´t even say these things to anyone in real life considering the fact that I don´t have that many close female friends) deserves a good guy. All good girls deserves a good guy.
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A
female
reader, Delphi +, writes (4 December 2014):
I am sorry I think differently.
I would move on.I would never force a guy into rethinking anything.
I would rethink what I feel and I would change myself.Its easier to change oneself than change others.
I wish you all the best..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know it may seem like I am making him to what he once was. But that´s not the case. I admit, I am holding on to the good, the best even and he may not be who he was. But instead of telling me "let him go" because that seems more logical, how about advicing me on what to do instead?... Practically speaking. Because it so SO hard to let go of something that good. I know I deserve someone good considering how I am as a person, but it feels hard feeling that he won´t want to even consider me as a friend anymore... What should I do to make him re-think? Is it possible?
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (27 November 2014):
I think you're creating a fantasy around him that's closing your mind to other guys. You say you broke up because you hurt each other too much, but why are you so sure he's changed? I had good relationships in my early 20's, and the girls who hurts me hold no interest for me.
The ones that I would still be interested in if I wasn't married were the ones who were simply at a different place in their life than I was at the time. One wanted marriage, I thought I was too young, another was going through some personal issues from her dad's suicide.
Wanting to go back to someone who hurt you seems like a good way to get hurt again. He may have been great otherwise but that's an important drawback that's keeping you from opening your mind to the millions of guys out there. And trust me, there are good ones that you'll be compatible with if you give them a chance!
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A
female
reader, Delphi +, writes (27 November 2014):
I saw your post and it could actually have been from me.I am very emotional and the thing that hurts me the most is rejection...I want you to read my answer without thinking that it is tough love.Its exactly what I told myself a few months back and it worked gloriously for me There is nothing I repeat nothing in the whole world that is going to change the way you feel for him.You had 10 years to get over him,meet other people who could have replaced him but you never met anyone else like him.That makes him really special and the love of your life.How many of us have really experienced such a kind of love.Consider yourself lucky even to have felt it. Now having said that,you guys were young,you guys fought a lot yada,yada....so he made a choice.If you say you really love him,you would respect it.When you love someone its not about your wishes,its about theirs.That's how I have always seen love.If he wants you as a friend,you would just be a friend to him.If he wants you as a best friend,you would be a best friend to him,nothing less nothing more.You respect his wishes that much that you reprogram yourself to do just that.A mind is one of the most powerful things you have.It can be reprogrammed,exactly the way you want it to be.It takes strength,effort and courage to do this,but do it you can. I also like to add that,there are lots of guys out there who would give second chances.How much ever I love a guy,I would check if he is the sort of guy to give second chances.As much as its his will and right not to give a second chance,I would never go for the guy who doesn't give a second chance.A guy who is imperfect as hell and still gives a second chance,is the one who genuinely loves you warts,flaws and all.Every woman or girl out there definitely deserves such a guy.The one who gives second chances,the one who looks at the cranky PMSing you and wonders,"How lucky can I be?".There are guys out there like that.They are still not extinct.. The most important thing in your post that I realized is you are not used to rejection.There are lots of guys out there who want to be with you but this one is an anomaly.So he becomes a challenge.A challenge to an ambitious woman is like waving a red flag to a bull.When you start loving yourself with all your pluses and minuses,you will realize,"Bleh!Big deal.So we had something special.But he is not willing to give me the time of the day.Why should I?"If you think of yourself as a prize "Why should I give him the time of the day?" comes very naturally. If you question yourself,"Am I a prize?" then you need to work on making yourself a prize.Learn a new language,a new hobby,volunteer to help out as much as you can.Help a friend in need.Invest all your free time,every thinking minute in improving yourself as a better human being.When you start volunteering you will realize the kind of problems other people have and yours will seem so silly in comparison,you will blush for being even a little self-centered. Last but not the least,Happy thanksgiving.May this thanksgiving help you to look at your blessings more than what you do not have.The power of positive thinking by Norman Vincent Peale is a book that changed my life. Whenever you feel like calling him with an excuse,start doing something else that is productive.It does help.I clean my toilet while envisioning that I am cleaning away my feelings for him from my heart.Trust me,works wonders. All the very best to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2014): Unfortunately, there is absolutely nothing you can do to make him want to be with you. If he's rebuffed your approaches then the most loving thing to do is to leave him alone. Anymore efforts to contact him on your part would be close to stalking.
Knowing as you do that he doesn't want you, the kindest thing you Can do for yourself is to lower your expectations. You probably won't find anyone else exactly like him. But if you remain open you might find yourself pleasantly happy with someone different.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2014): I think that you need to let the practical side of things dominate you more rather that the emotions and longing. You've been through the cycle of dating, breaking up, marrying and divorce. So has he. If you keep forcing the issue you may end up through the same cycle again. So just slow down because no matter how much you long for love it requires the other party to give it to you. You did send him feelers, he felt them, maybe he is thinking about them maybe not. So you did your part and there is nothing more you can do. Be happy that you at least got another chance.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2014): You've done all you can, he's made it clear that he does not want you back in his life. Messaging him or trying to indirectly contact him is going against his wishes and bordering on harrassing the man. By holding onto the past you are only denying yourself of a future, I genuinely feel for you - it must feel really quite painful going through this but is not good for your mind or body to be hoping on something that is not likely to happen. You don't know who you will meet that could show you love again, try meeting new people and widening your hobbies or interests and allow people to be part of your life. You really have done all you can at this time, there is no more you can do yourself so be secure in that knowledge. You can't blame yourself for not trying, so now all you can do is try to truly move on.
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A
male
reader, lifesgreat  +, writes (27 November 2014):
Not much I am afraid ! Pretty much what you are asking for is what a lot of people would want yet not all of us get it .In regards to your ex, you should count that as dead in the water , 10 years is a long time and both of you would of changed and also if he has already said he isn't interested in you so why waste your time with it? loads people in this day and age end up 'settling' just going out with somebody to be actually going out with somebody.You can do what I do and just try to wait for somebody to give you that certain 'spark' but that seems to be a very long process lol.I would suggest just going out and meeting as many people as possible then you will higher your chances of meeting somebody special.Like you I have missed a ex of many years ago but she has got on with her life now....
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