A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hello Readers,I am desperately in need of your advice. In particular I would appreciate input from people who have experienced meeting their "soul mate" and you can't understand what this is like unless you have been through it. By that I mean have you ever met someone who you instantly feel that you know very intimately (and you do) that you feel connected to and to whom you are sexually attracted (but this is not the overriding sensation initally)? Where sex really does come from love and a huge desire to be "one" with another person. This meeting occurs not when you are "looking for a potential relationship" not with an "attractive work colleague who is avaliable" or anything like that but a connection that is powerful and undeniable? And you feel this way about that person because of their flaws as well as their assets, precisely because their flaws define this person's unique specialness. This will be a long post because twenty years (about half) of my life is somehow invested in this so I hope some of you will persevere. If you do please take me seriously and thank you so much for doing so. If you think I am pathetic, misguided or whatever please let me know your opinion because as I said I am desperate. I haven't really confided completely in anyone before because I have felt I would seem ridiculous to others even though I don't think the way I feel is ridiculous.Around twenty years ago I met my soul mate. And I know that he felt exactly the same way. For various reasons I couldn't handle this intense emotional intimacy and I ended the relationship after two years saying I just wanted to be friends. He said he couldn't deal with that and so we parted. Of course I lied because we were so obviously meant to be together but, as I said, at that time it was too overwhelming for me and I found it too difficult to be so emotionally intimate. Around a year later I met another man (on the rebound) whom I got involved with because I liked him and admired and respected him a lot, but he was "safe" because I knew I could never really love him other than as a dear friend etc. Today we still live in the same house and have an eight year old child together. My soul mate also met a woman and has stayed with her ever since (from approximately a year after we broke up). He has two children and a great job (one that he always aspired to one day get) and his partner who has a well paid job. They have a nice house and appear to have a "good life". They live in another city and I mostly only know about them through people my soul mate would not even know that I know. So what I know about the last twenty years of my soul mate's life does not come from my soul mate. Having said that, around ten years ago I accidentally came across him on the internet and I decided to e-mail him. After we broke up originally, we did exchange letters (for around two years), where he basically said that he would always want us to be together. The reasons why I didn't contact or see him during those first ten years after we parted was because initially (for a few years) I was emotionally too scared still and then, after that, I thought visiting him years later would be too ridiculous. But the feelings persisted and I have thought of him almost every day for the past twenty years (and missed him). Through happy and sad times, being really busy etc. Over time a lot of males have expressed a genuine interest or attraction to me but I have never felt anything like the same for them as I felt for my soul mate which is in part why I have stayed with my "rebound relationship" for the last twenty years.) When I e-mailed my soul mate as I referred to above, ten years after I last saw him, he instantly replied and it was obvious that the feelings he had once had for me were still there in some sense. We e-mailed each other for around a year and I let him know (in a cowardly way) that I also felt we were meant to be together. He said that he was glad that I still wanted him and that e-mail was a place where we could be together at least at last. I told him from the very beginning of this e-mail communication that I was in a very long term relationship with a man I admired and respected. After a year of us e-mailing each other, when I asked him how his life was now he told me that his partner had just given birth to his child. I was shocked. She must have been pregnant from about two months or less after my soul mate and I began e-mailing each other. When I discovered he had a baby I said that I wished them all every happiness and that I would not write again and neither must he. He basically said he was "happy enough and sometimes very happy". And that while he would probably always want us to be together, to do so could only cause a lot of pain to others (his new baby etc). And that he had to take responsibility for his actions. Remember that we never saw or spoke to each other but communicated by e-mail only. For various reasons I decided around that time to have a child with my partner. Over time I have come to believe that staying with someone you don't really or no longer love is wrong. People get together for all kinds of reasons; lust, mutual friends, loneliness, wanting to have children or whatever. These reasons cannot compete with love of a soul mate. Why stay with someone you never really loved in the first place? Unfortunately my child is aware I don't really love her father. Isn't it better for children to see real love? And to free the partner / husband you don't love so that they may have the chance to find someone who truly loves them?Is it too much to want to be really happy with the right person, if one exists? Sorry to go off on a tangent ....... Another ten years or so have passed (so it is now twenty years since I last saw my soul mate) and I still can't get past the desire to explore what my feelings might now be for my soul mate. I believe that I am still deeply in love with this person and only this person. I am not happy. I have not had a sexual relationship with the father of my child for seven years. I have no desire to have a sexual relationship with the father of my child because the idea of sex with someone I do not really love has become repulsive to me. We no longer sleep in the same bed. I know however that the father of my child still loves me. I am so sick of missing my soul mate. What if I was to see him again and realise that I no longer have feelings for him. I think this is very unlikely, but what a waste of my life in many respects if I don't explore this. I feel I desperately need to find out. Twenty years is too long to suffer this secret misery. And believe me counselling is no help. I want to go to the city where he lives and see him (after twenty years ) to see whether I do in fact still feel this way. Is this so wrong? If I do feel the same way, I want to see if he is happy and whether there is a possibility of us making a life together? I can't take the denial, the absence and the lack of clarification of how he and I feel any more. It is more or less destroying my life. Am I wrong to want to see him? If I do see him what do you think the likely consequences may be? As matters stand I intend to do this in the next three months?Please offer advice on any of the above because I can't take this situation any more. I would rather find out that he no longer cared for me than suffer in this limbo. If he no longer cares enough for me I am suffering for nothing anyway aren't I? Please advise me.
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broke up, no desire, soulmate, the internet Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTHANK YOU all. Especially the women who have shared their experiences in similar situations. I hope your fate isn't to waste so many years of your emotional life as mine has been. I will visit the city where this man lives and see him if he will see me, as soon as I can get the time to do so. I will leave it up to him whether I have the "right" to contact him or not ........ It wouldn't surprise me if he didn't agree to see me because he was abandoned by his father when he was very young and therefore I know would have an absolute horror of putting his children through that experience (whatever he believed his feelings for me may be). I know he is not single now ...... I will let you all know what happens. Why are all the male agony aunts so disgusted with me? I would like to ask you male agony aunts how you would respond or feel if a woman approached you in the way I intend to approach this man?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2007): Im sorry for you, really I am,. to be so hooked on youre first love, so much in fact, you have decided to wreck the lives of a few adult and children.You HAVE no right at all to be in contact or initiating contact with this man after such a long time.YOUR actions are quite frankly deplorable.
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reader, oannao  +, writes (26 February 2007):
hello i have just read your letter for advice from people and i really feel for you because although my situation hasnt been nearly as long as yours i know what you are going through i really feel that you should go for it what more harm could it do you have been suffering for far to long i believe if you are feeling these feelings then he must be too you havent let go of each other or surely these strong feelings would have left you long ago i must add that it is difficult when other people are involved because me personally would never want to be responisble for breaking anything up for anyone else im not sugguesting thats what you want or intend to do because i feel that you have already put yourself last in all of this and thought about others sorry if this comes across all wrong its not intened i believe that love and happiness should come first for us all or no one will be happy in the end. like you said its been another ten years things might have changed he might be single now and you will never know how you still feel for him or him for you if you dont find out. but rememder you can always ask for advice from anyone but at the end of the day you must always do what you feel is right or for the best only you know the way although it may be hard to find listen to yourself i would like to hear back from you sincerely all the best. iv just signed up you can find me on my user name is oannao take care
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2007): Hello, i have just read your letter for advice from people and i really feel for you because although my situation hasnt been nearly as long as yours i know what you are going through. I really feel that you should go for it, what more harm could it do, you have been suffering for far too long. I believe if you are feeling these feelings then he must be too. You havent let go of each other or surely these strong feelings would have left you long ago?I must add that it is difficult when other people are involved because me personally would never want to be responisble for breaking anything up for anyone else. I'm not suggesting thats what you want or intend to do because i feel that you have already put yourself last in all of this and thought about others. Sorry if this comes across all wrong its not intentional. I believe that love and happiness should come first for us all or no one will be happy in the end. Like you said its been another ten years things might have changed, he might be single now and you will never know how you still feel for him or him for you if you dont find out. Rememder you can always ask for advice from anyone but at the end of the day you must always do what you feel is right or for the best, only you know the way although it may be hard to find. Listen to yourself. i would like to hear back from you sincerely all the best
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reader, Patient1  +, writes (23 February 2007):
 Well, it really makes a difference in my opinion to know that you and your current husband are not emotionally involved. You seem to be a very intelligent woman who knows what she wants. So if it's weighing on your concience that much, I would say go for it. What do you have to lose? You're not with him now and there's a chance that he may feel the same way as you and maybe he's just to afraid of being rejected as well. I think the difficult decision is are you willing to interrupt his current situation with his wife and children? There's only one way to find out, and if you two are meant to be, then so it shall be, but somebody needs to take the first step. Why not you? If he's not on the same page, then at least you won't live the rest of your life never knowing. Go for it, you may have a second chance at having your one and only true love, I wouldn't pass up the opportunity. I think an e-mail would be a good way to start things off. Anyway, it's your call, but I think you know whats in your heart, and I always say "follow your heart"! Best of luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTHANK YOU everyone for taking the time to advise me. I feel you all have given very good advice (except that I know my soul mate is not violent). And your advice differs ...... I know my soul mate has not changed that much because he has made the same life choices he would have made years ago. I have also read some of his writings and he writes from the same place, the person I know so intimately. Very perceptive of anonymous to write that I push avaliable love away. Yes I have done that much of my life and I do understand why. I suppose I want to see my soul mate because I want to receive his love and give my love to him if he still feels the same way about me as he did for so long, in the past. Of course if he still does he may not be willing to be selfish and disrupt his childrens' lives etc to be with me again. My relationship with the father of my child, as any thing other than co-parents and "friends" is definitely over. I will never have a sexual relationship with him again. I have tried very hard to work things out, over many years, for the sake of my child but I cannot and do not want to. We have been together for twenty years and I just cannot go on like I have been any longer. I don't believe this actually has anything to do with my desire to see my soul mate except that I realise how precious such a connection is all the more as time goes by. I have had the opportunity to pursue a relationship with other men but I have not done so because I am interested in no man other than my soul mate. I do not take relationships lightly. I do not have affairs. I cannot love a particular person just because it is convenient to do so. Maybe other people can ............. My soul mate is a lot like me. And also significantly different. No one can understand what those feelings are like (re soul mate love) unless they have been there! These feelings that I have for my soul mate are an inconvenience and I would not have held on to them as a pleasurable fantasy because they have made the deep emotional part of my life mostly miserable. Holding on to these feelings serves no purpose and as I said I am doing nothing more than acknowledging my true feelings rather than lying to myself because it is not convenient to love someone who is far away. I truly have found it hard to live without this person. I need to know whether I still feel this way about my soul mate. I can only know this my seeing him. Some times at night, in the quiet, I look up into the night sky and think .......... at least we can see the same stars ...... I have been reading a lot about other peoples' situations since posting my question on this site. ALL YOU ADVISORS ARE WONDERFUL TAKING THE TIME TO HELP OTHERS! I have noticed people are not so disapproving of the gay man who leaves his wife and children for a male sexual partner etc. Is soul mate love not more precious than this? I am not judging anyone, gay people are just people to me (with sometimes an additional and different set of challenges in this society). What if the only man I can truly love is my soul mate? I have thought this through carefully. It is possible my soul mate may refuse to see me, bring his partner, feel nothing for me BUT I HAVE TO KNOW. Don't I have a right? Thanks Kath for your support! Do we get to an age where we just have to stick with the life, man, past choices we have made? I am not going to rush up to my soul mate and unburden myself. That would be crazy and disrespectful of my soul mate's life. Can anyone suggest whether I should call or e-mail? Or how I should approach him? I will read the situation and if I get the opportunity, and if it permits I will unburden myself to my soul mate. A lot of people seem to think I am pathetic and selfish wanting to do this. But don't I owe it to my child and others to sort this out one way or the other? If I get the opportunity I will not be a coward and waste it. ANY FURTHER ADVICE APPRECIATED.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2007): I believe there is more to your feelings than wishing you could be with your soulmate. Somehow you have pushed away the love that is available to you from your husband, while longing for the love that is unavailable to you from your soulmate. There is something about being unable to receive love in a way that nourishes your life. I suggest getting some counseling to explore the childhood dynamics at play in your life that keep you stuck in the place where you are currently. You will be glad you did.
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reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (16 February 2007):
 My ex-wife met her "soul mate" and moved 1800 miles away to be with him. He beat her up and tried to drown her. Not all "soul mates" are created equal, eh?
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reader, kath +, writes (15 February 2007):
 your going threw the same as what i did for over 16 years my sole mate came home to me 14 months ago. I think that you should weigh up all the people that this is going to involve realy realy think deep before you say or do anything,we all have fealings. If then you still feal that you got to see him then contact your solemate, meet up and have a coffee/meal/walk whatever and tell him how youve been fealing for all these years and that you were a fool to end it (solemates are priceless) but if he is truly happy with his partner walk away with a smile on your face knowing that what your heart has been telling you day in day out isnt going to happen when you wake up the next morning as you should either be waking up with him or on your own starting the first day on your life. good luck kath xx
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reader, Patient1 +, writes (15 February 2007):
I know how it feels to find your soulmate and lose them. I have been with my husband (soulmate) for almost 7 years now. Like any marraige it takes hard work and commitment, even soulmates have issues. I left him twice but no matter how upset or confused or emotional I was, nothing could keep me away from him. I realize that the feelings you have for eachother will probably never subside, but you two made your decision years ago when you decided to break things off and move on with your lives. You both have spouses and children now and once children are involved I believe that it's only fair to put them before your own emotional needs. I know it's much easier said then done, but I think you need to let this go. I know you're a bundle of emotions over this but I think you're driving yourself crazy with "what could have been". It's O.K. to still have feelings and memories for a lost love, but I think it's only fair to yourself and your family to put this whole thing behind you and try to move forward. I believe that if you were really meant to be together then nothing should have kept you apart to begin with. Maybe when you start feeling overwhelmed with feelings for him try to convert them to your current family. Give them the love that you would be giving to him. I really think you need to move forward, for yourself and your family. I hope this helps, good luck!
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reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (15 February 2007):
Life is full of choices and decisions. You chose to break up with your "soul mate" 20 years ago. He chose to get married. You chose to get married. He chose to father a baby in the midst of conversing with you. He said he was happy. At that moment, you should have lost his email address and tried to make the most of your relationship with your husband. If you're miserable, move out. But don't follow this wild fantasy that you need to be with your "soul mate." People change in twenty years. He's probably not the same person you knew then, and you're probably not the same person either. Leave him alone and get on with your life without him . . . even if it means your "suffering."
Just let it go.
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