A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've already made my decision, I guess like most women I would love to have someone tell me it is the right one but that is not likely. I've agreed to an affair with a married man. We were together when we were very young and I ended it because I didn't feel I could fit into his (rather upper class) life. I ran as far away as I could and I never knew that he searched for me, or kept every letter and memento of our time together. We both moved on and married and both have children although I am now divorced. When I saw him again for the first time I couldn't breathe. 20 years fell away and I felt exactly as I did then. Nothing had changed except that I was no longer intimidated by his money or power. He has asked me to join him for a week and I've agreed. I know this will not be a platonic week, we both have strong physical reactions to each other and it would be impossible not to go further given time alone. I want this. I want to be with him even if it is just for a week. perhaps after a week alone together we will both be able to move on. In whichever direction this takes us next. He has made no promises and in fact made it clear he is married for good. He adores his kids and wont unsettle their lives. This I understand, even though I might wish things turned out differently. He has told me he isn't happy in his relationship but I am not sure I can use that to excuse my choice. I have to be honest with myself at least. I have no desire to hurt his partner or his children, I don't want to make any claim on him that he cant fulfill but I do want this week alone with him. So.. knowing I have no right to claim anything and that I willingly go into this knowing it can never be more than an affair, I have still made my decision. The hardest part is keeping my heart safe and remembering this can only ever be a fleeting moment for both of us.
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affair, divorce, married man, money, move on, no desire Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2010): OK. I can totally relate to the situation. I dated a married man who swore up and down he was separated. When she'd come to town, he'd dedicate himself to her attention-wise and I was not allowed to call or text. Suspicious. Two years this went on. But I convinced myself I was being too sensitive or misreading all the signs. My love for him and the look of love in his eyes kept me sheltered from the truth. Mind you, 4 months ago he said his wife and he agreed to see other people. HELLO! Two years had gone by, what was the agreement then. Like I said, I was too blinded by what I wanted to understand what actually was. I had no problem finding men interested in me that I could potentially have interest in them. But I wasn't interested. I was completely faithful to the fantasy. Rest-assured, he was not. Sex confuses things. If you want to see if you have a shot with this guy, talk to him. Get to know him again after all these years. Does his story make sense? Has he contradicted himself? Do you have any "gut feeling" about any of it? Likely, the answers will put him in a negative light if you allow it.
I finally got strong enough to admit I deserved more than a sliver of a man. I really hope you are open to the chance that it's NOT what should be as well as whether it IS meant to be. You are better than this. I don't even know you. But it's true. You sound pretty together, much like I am. But we all have hiccups. We all look back on a love and think it could be like that again, physically or emotionally. It's the fantasy you're chasing. Not the man.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe doesnt want a divorce, doesnt want to go to court and say his kids mum is less than pure and does not want a divorce.
They have lived apart a lot because his job takes him overseas so his kids are used to it. He hasnt moved out of their home and it is still his base.
Ive known this man since we were very young and know his family and background very well. His brother also told me they slept in seperate rooms when he visited them last year.
I think a lot of people assume their must be lots of lies in a relationship that isnt publicly open like a marriage or comittment but I dont think it has to always be true.
Im not lying to myself, I know I want more but I am realistic. I cant have more. simple.
Thankyou for your answer and the others who have responded. I really had thought a lot about this but thought maybe I was still lying to myself. Thats why I posted
This discussion helped me be comfortable that Im not. I might not be making the choice lots of other people would but I have thought it through and I will wear the consequences.
I really appreciate all your comments. (even the ones I didnt like!)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2010): "she has told him she is seeing someone else, she has asked for a divorce and he refused for the kids sake (where they live, both must agree unless there is clear reaon)"
This doesn't add up; isn't infidelity on the part of both spouses a "clear reason" for divorce? He says he doesn't want a divorce because he doesn't want to upset his kids, but if he is living away from his wife, isn't he already upsetting the kids? Something in this story is not adding up.
Bottom line: He's lying to you. And you're lying to yourself if you think you won't want more out of this relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2010): Why after all this time would you want to be this man's dirty secret on the side?
When you two were you you weren't "good" enough for his society you still aren't' which is why he just want a roll in the Hay with you.
What's the matter with women today accepting these sexual table scraps?
Wake up!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (22 March 2010):
Well if you want to be used as absolutely nothing by a man who wants his own way, and if you're happy to live your life knowing that you're not loved by a man, fine. But when his wife and kids find out, and he dumps you and you're heartbroken, don't ask for any help.
Married man = pain.
A million women have all made the same mistake. This man doesn't care about you. He just wants to use you as an escape from his marriage. So if you're happy being nothing to this man, do it. But if you want to actually be important to a man, move on now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2010): I replied here too, and I am updating, with a quote from the OP in her reply
==
I could add things like he has lived apart from his wife for months now, they no longer share a bedroom, she has told him she is seeing someone else, she has asked for a divorce and he refused for the kids sake (where they live, both must agree unless there is clear reaon) but these would have all seemed like excuses. Would they have made a difference to my post? ==
This does sound like an excuse. His excuse. Heres the thing ... always remember this. What he TELLS you, probably isnt what is really happening. You are not inside his home, or his marriage. Unless you know this for fact, dont believe it. Or take it one step further.... if his wife is seeing someone, then she would grant him permission to also see someone. They stay together for the sake of the children, or marital assests. There is nothing wrong with an open marriage, if both partners agree that this is the relationship they have. The question that comes to mind for me here is ... why only 1 week ? Why cant this be an ongoing thing ? This is why I wouldnt believe him, I think he is only telling you what he thinks you want to hear.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2010): Quiet-echo said what I was thinking. After a week with this man, you will only want more. Trust me, unless you discover he is horrible in bed, the pure adrenalin you will get out of this will be enough to want you coming back for more. It's the forbidden fruit syndrome. As long as he is unavailable, you will want him.
As far as for not wanting to hurt his wife and children, by going with this man you will hurt them. Well that is, if they ever discover it. But you do not know that no one will spill the beans some time down the road, so chances are high: you will hurt them.
You know what though? I honestly think you could go on this vacation with him without caring too much, so Im with you on this. He's paying right? Then its a free vacation, you get company and possibly good sex for a week, while also catching up on this mans life. Its been 20 years after all, Im sure there's a lot to talk about. After all, you are not the one who is cheating, he is. Too bad for him, and too bad for his wife. But don't fool yourself into thinking you will not want him again. Don't think that this wont hurt his marriage. Only if you frankly dont care about his marriage you should do this. Only if you simply want to use him for the vacation, possible gifts and sex, should you do this. This is not whats the best for him and his marriage, and you know that.
Also, he will probably never leave his wife for you. But as long as there are no strings attached, and you are capable to play with fire without getting burnt, sure, go ahead with it. I might have done it as well if I was in your position (given that I didnt have feelings for this man).
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz  +, writes (22 March 2010):
OP...those actually are less of an excuse than what you originally posted. I would be cautious considering that he could just be saying this stuff to you to feel better about seeing him...as in his wife is the bad guy and he's the good guy so it's "okay." If he refuses a divorce, it really doesn't matter, you can still divorce without the other one saying they want to also. You know him better than we do, but it's a little more acceptable than thinking that his wife is at home trying to raise the kids while he's out having fun.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow you guys make some assumptions!
One I am not lonely, or ever short of dates/partners or a relationship. Im single by choice right now but certainly not celibate or needing attention desperately. I can get that anywhere!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionquiet echo... or not quite so quiet :)
I did not excuse my choice, or ask if it was right, I shared it because I know how much help I got reading everyone elses questions and the answers.
I could add things like he has lived apart from his wife for months now, they no longer share a bedroom, she has told him she is seeing someone else, she has asked for a divorce and he refused for the kids sake (where they live, both must agree unless there is clear reaon) but these would have all seemed like excuses. Would they have made a difference to my post? To me they are not the honest reason for what I choose.
The honest reason is I ran away 25 years ago and we both regretted it. If we only have one week together to create an intimate memory of what we had then I will take that.
His reasons for staying married are his own, and I respect them and support them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2010): You almost sound like he's too hard to resist. You are not helpless here. And what is within your power, is to end this whole thing before it starts. And to really think about the possible damage this affair will do to you and to his family. Don't ever think it won't be revealed. In fact, I am guessing his wife knows what he's capable of. Wife's always do know but they usually focus on the demands of raising a family and deny the truth.
You sound incredibly lonely. So you need to do some introspection of why you would consider this. Don't let other people, especially a married guy, choose you. It's time to turn the tables. When you pretend to be what others want, then you really, really lose yourself. Of course, you end up even more lonlier and basically, still very unhappy. Don't have the affair...you can be strong...you can be proud. This could be the start of something big within you. This could lead you to breaking the pattern which will lead to a bad ending.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2010): Wow, this is a toughy.
Ok, first ... we all know this is wrong, including you.
However .. you have come here for something. I am impartial to this as I have no emotional involvement. So I will be honest.
First ... you made a decision years ago, now viewed as a regret and you want closure. Completley understandable. But he has moved on, there is a wife and children involved, and he owes them honesty. YOU dont owe them a thing, this affair is on him.
Second ... we do only live once, might aswell make the best of it. Being honest to yourself is all that life is about. Making choices and decisions best for you. If this includes using someone to get what you want, and they are a knowing and willing participant ... so be it.
Third ... this isnt your affair. This is his affair. He will have to suffer any consequenses indured by this trist. Not you, you actualy have no reason to feel guilty.
Fourth .... Not you nor any woman is capable of tearing apart a happy marriage. He would never look at another woman if he were truly happy, and you probably arnt his first affair, nor will you be his last.
I personaly couldnt do what you are going to do. I am not that selfish, it is quite apparent that the two of you are though. If I wanted a man ... I would want a partner, after 20 years, closure is over and done with. Grow up. I understand .. the one that got away ... I do, I get the emotions involved here, but you made a decision years ago, and you really should stand by it, even if in hindsite it was the wrong one. Dont make another wrong one. So many people are going to get hurt here because of this, do you really want to be in the middle of that kind of mess for some sex ? Because he has already told you .. he intends on using you.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (22 March 2010):
 he is unhappy but married for good. Well, thats nice, I am sure his wife will be happy with that declaration if she finds out he is off having a week of uncommitted lust and sex with you.
As for keeping your heart safe, phht, you can try and justify this week to yourself as much as you want, and if his wife does find out, and is hurt, and leaves him, and his children are hurt by it all, well you can always say, ohh I had no desire to hurt you or the children, and she will say, no worries, the fact my husband cannot keep his old fella in his pants and the fact you were willing to drop yer knickers for him certainly exonerates you from any blame
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (22 March 2010):
So you made the decision to be selfish along with him...that's not good. You don't want to hurt his family, but you will. Sorry, lady, but I think you're right in knowing that no one is going to tell you that it's right. It's never right. Just remember that karma is indeed a bitch.
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (22 March 2010):
 We can't stop you from doing it, but you know in your heart that it's wrong. There's no way I'm going to tell anyone to have an affair... this is horrible!
How would you feel if somebody that you loved had sex with another woman behind your back? This is completely wrong... this behaviour tears families apart and wrecks homes. This is not right.
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