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male
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*hredordie
writes: My ex seems to contact me less and less, although I do make sure I send her an IM every now and then. When I do, we have some really good conversations. The other night, when I IMd her we only talked for a minute, but she seemed like she was upset about something. I asked her (didn't push to hard though) and told her she that she knew she could talk to me about anything. She just said that she was still fuming about something, but that she had overreacted and was fine now. I think, or at least I want to think that she got into a fight with her rebound guy. At this point I'm looking for any sign that they are not going to work out (they seem like big opposites and I can't imagine that it will). We are going home from school for the summer and we live a couple hours away from eachother, and she lives more thatn 3,000 miles away from her new guy! I still love her, we have been broken up for about 2 and a half months. I want to keep in touch with her over the summer, and over the next couple of weeks before we leave, but I don't know how much contact is too much. Should I just wait for her to contact me? I'm afraid that if I don't talk to her, she won't talk to me. What do you guys think? We were VERY close while we were dating, as a matter of fact, spending too much time together was an issue that led to our breakup.
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male
reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (3 May 2006):
 I think you should give her some space. You have to remember that you all were in a relationship and you are letting your feelings override your good judgement. She found a guy 2 1/2 months after you all broke up. To fast. She hasn't healed from the last relationship yet. You just have to be tuff. Call her or IM her if she doesn't respond or talks to you for a second then leave her be. Your feelings are obviously more involved then hers. If you truly love something let it go and if it comes back its yours forever. Good Luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2006): I went out with a guy for 6 months and we broke up 3 times. Being my first real boyfriend is probably why it felt like he meant so much to me. It was like having him in my life was something new and something I liked. But I don’t think it was actually ‘him’ per se, but more the concept of a boyfriend or someone so close to me. I have the same problem with my best friend from high school – we were the closest of friends until things went bust after school and I still can’t help getting upset by both of those people I thought would always mean so much to me. When both these relationships disappeared so close together I tried to hang on to a friendship with my ex because he said he still really cared about me too. This is where time between a partnership and a friendship is essential. This is because you need time to sort out your personal feelings and distance yourself from you lingering emotions to decide whether he may have a place in your life – long-term. But sometimes it can simply boil down to the essence of the problem; if it’s unable to be resolved then maybe distance is best for your well-being and happiness in future relationships.
In all honestly I think it can work, even if mine didn’t. I mean there are zillions of reasons as to why it may or may not, like I said before. Ultimately he was a friend of a friend and when old friendships broke-down and our whole social scene changed I was pushed further out of the initial group so our contact became less and less. We probably would’ve been much better as friends than anything more, and didn’t start our relationship with a friendship background. It’s all very complex (you know: school ties, friends going out with exes, reputations, rumours) – it can all get too hard to handle and keep track off. So I skipped the dramatic, unnecessary bitchiness of school and started anew.
A huge factor is whether you are both ready to enter a new relationship with each other – a friendship. If you have broken up there is clearly a reason and before you can attempt being friends you first have to work out exactly what that problem is – and whether you both understand and are able to accept that you have to work it out and move past it. Basically, if the problem affected your dating relationship how can you expect to have a friendship with this guy when the issue still remains?
Weigh up how you feel now compared to when you and your ex were trying to be friends. Was it an effort – to the point where it took too much out of you or left you feeling more upset? Friendships require effort but on both sides; you shouldn’t have to use all your energies to ‘make’ them want to be your friend, even though it can feel like you’re the only one who can be bothered or the only one equipped to sway your ex’s feelings or priorities.
It’s a difficult question to find a fool-proof solution to. I think we’d all love this type of friendship to work if we really didn’t want to lose someone who was once so special and important to us. But it could just be a plea to hold on to something that has faded. You have to work out if it is really in your best interest, now that you hold different roles in each others’ lives. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Don’t be afraid to get hurt if things don’t pan out. I mean it sucks and you can feel terrible but as the saying goes “it’s not the end of the world” and things really do get better. Trust me, I didn’t believe it – I ignored everyone that tried to help me, the only person I wanted to listen to or talk to was my ex – but he was the only one not paying attention or caring. I definitely believe if you’re meant to be in someone’s life you will, and it’s up to you both to decide how big or small a part you want to be. Stick with what you feel you want Alanna, and what you feel is RIGHT FOR YOU most of all. It can take a while, but you’ll eventually feel happier for trying then wondering.
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A
female
reader, lostgirl04 +, writes (2 May 2006):
 You should continue to IM her and be nice to her. But if she's not showing any interest in talking to you then back off a bit. When you see her online try and wait for her to IM you first. If you caht with her you can even mention that she can call you sometime 2 catch up becuz summer will be a little hectic for you both. If she wants to contact you she will.
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