A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I am in a new relationship about 16 days. We met with each other from a social networking website. Our first date was great. Afterwards, the problems began. She was and is talking about freedom, her own personal space etc. and i told that it's ok, i care about these things. I like kind of relationship that couples are seeing each other as much as possible, they are contacting with each other often. But, when i ask her when we are going to see each other, she is getting angry and i become really sad. And about having contact, i used to send texts to her, but now i can't send. I don't know why, i'm suspicious about my text messages being blocked by her. I couldn't ask that to her yet. These are the main problems, having less contact and seeing each other less. For example i couldn't see her for 4 days and for today we contacted just once, i called her, she didn't reply and a couple of hours later she called me, that's all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi there. It is almost 6 months since my question and we are still together. But now, the situation is not so different. We see each other maximum 3 days per week (rarely) and we do not spend our time doing special things (in my opinion) like a day trip, having a sunday brunch etc.. And more; i am not rushing for it, but she have not introduced me to her mother. When i open this topic, she is like; "it needs time" or "don't make pressure to me". When i say something about marriage or children (just like a general idea, not to do it next week) she is also reacting with the same "pressure" thing. We were planning to go abroad for volunteering or working. But, last week during an argument she suddenly told me that; "before we met you, we were planning to go abroad whole summer with my friend(girl)to work but, now you want to spend whole summer together. I promised my friend..."etc. And i said that ok, you can go there whatever i don't care and if you also want to go with me too, we can go for some time together this summer. What's more; today i called her 3 times and she never answered the phone, i was worried for her and i texted her and after some time she texted me back like "don't worry,i am only tired, sleep well, sweet dreams,kiss.".Can any of you say what do all these things mean? I am totally confused.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, now i'm incredibly confused. She texted me 1 hour ago; "hi love, i'm going home and thinking of you." and wrote about time to meet tomorrow. I'm in an in between situation now. When i think in a logical way, i find that conclusion; you should tell your wishes and unless she makes them come true, leave her and offer her to see each other just as friends" and when i think with my emotions about her; "you can't leave her, because you love her" . We are gonna meet a couple of hours later, tomorrow noon, but i don't know what to do. I have never had this kind of confused situation.
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A
female
reader, PatientlyWaiting1  +, writes (2 November 2010):
Okay, that is good, may have come off a little short or cold. The key is let her contact you but still be nice to her :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, it s really interesting that today she texted me from Facebook and said, "i could not call you because i have limited balance on my mobile...do you have time on Wednesday? We can meet on Wednesday, what do you think?" I replied in a normal way, not negative, positively, but not too positive and said about Wednesday; "it is ok for me".
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI forgot to mention about something. I wanted to go for a trip with her to a nearby country for a weekend. I told her and she was positive about it and even asked if i planned something etc. and then told that we can talk about it when we are together. I actually have some plans and even about hotel. Also thought that maybe this trip can change something positively.
@Stayc63088 thanks so much again, yes it makes me feel better that i'm not the only one. You are right, normally i should leave her, maybe should have left her several days ago.
Now, i'm totally confused about the situation. I don't have that courage to leave her, because she is still important for me. Maybe i should wait for a couple of days until next weekend or something.
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A
female
reader, PatientlyWaiting1 +, writes (31 October 2010):
Im glad I could help. The good thing is she let you know she "couldnt breathe," instead of just cutting you off. So respect her wishes and some progress should be made.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (31 October 2010):
 Exactly! I know the feeling, like you hope she will come around to hanging out more often. More than likely not. And there is nothing wrong with you so don't try to change!! Just because she wants to see a boyfriend twice a week does not make her way right or make you wrong. Hopefully knowing I see things the same way you do can help you feel like you aren't the only one. With my ex he tried to tell me he was normal, that's what people do, like I'm abnormal. Yet every other boyfriend I had I would see about 6 days a week and talked all the time, without them feeling smothered, they were the same way. Now I am assuming of course that you aren't crazy and calling 10 times a day and sitting outside her house but instead just a person who needs to see their partner more. Which is no problem. Let her find someone who sees her once a week... not a relationship but whatever... And you meet someone who actually wants to see you. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirstly, thanks so much for your comments. It really made me relaxed, because i couldn't talk to anybody such detailed about it until now.
@ Stayc63088 ; Maybe you are right. I also thought before about the possiblity that we just simply have different expectations from a relationship. As you told about your experience, then i am sure that you can understand my situation. I remember once when i told her that we are seeing each other 3 times a week, she told that "with my ex, we used to see each other less than this". It's just horrible me, i can't stand it, but also i don't want to leave her. I really like her and i thought that "ok maybe after some time it can be different and she gets closer and wants so hang out more and more". Maybe just because of this reason i still didn't leave her, because normally i can't stay this situation.
@ PatientlyWaiting1 ; You are absolutely right and she even told me that i can't breathe. I won't talk about seeing each other and i won't call or text her until she does. I actually tried it once and she texted me the same day evening.
I'm gonna update it and ask further later.
Thanks so much again.
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A
female
reader, PatientlyWaiting1 +, writes (31 October 2010):
this is going to sound harsh and i'm sorry but it's trueYou are completely smothering her. I have been in her shoes and it feels terrible. The thing you need to do is stop contacting her, do not try to see her, let her come to you if she wants. But it seems like she may not. I hate saying this and I rarely do but you may need to move on from her. You have to work on yourself and figure out why you are needy and have to spend so much time together and contact her so much and why you cant see her reasons for pulling away. You said it has been about 16 days, 16 days? That says a lot right there, the fact that you are counting the days. Her resistence is pulling your closer. Just leave her alone, I think the damage is done honestly. I would leave that one alone
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (31 October 2010):
It could also be an issue that she isn't very serious about you or doesn't want anything serious right now and that's why she feels smothered. You obviously are serious about her and she seems to want out. Best to move on.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (31 October 2010):
First of all, just regarding your comment "She was and is talking about freedom, her own personal space etc. and i told that it's ok, i care about these things. I like kind of relationship that couples are seeing each other as much as possible, they are contacting with each other often." You like 2 different types of relationships. She likes a lot of space, you like to see your partner more frequently.
Nothing is wrong with either way, just 2 different people who want different things. The problem with trying to make this work is she feels smothered and you feel like she doesn't care when she doesn't call enough. Better to meet someone more suited to your needs and what you are looking for in a relationship. I have no way of knowing if she blocked you or not. I really think that even trying to give space because you want to try doesn't work. I dated a guy who wanted to see me maybe 3 times a week and I needed to see my boyfriend as much as possible and ideally at least once a day. I liked him so I tried to do it his way but just ended up unfulfilled and feeling like we weren't at all serious and just moved on.
After that relationship I have felt that people can just have different views on what they see as right in a relationship and what they like, which can't really be changed, just 2 different people. Especially the issue of space. Some people are clingy and some NEED to feel free. Find someone more compatible to how you are and you will be happy.
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