A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have had an affair with a guy for about three years and I ended it when I realised he was not going to leave his wife. We have been on friendly terms ever since. Now, 4 years later I am going trough a really,really rough time and he helps me out, answers all my calls and is there when I need him. He is not trying anything sexual at all and is really just being there for me, the one thing I need most right now. He holds me when I ask him to and he just tells me that everything will be fine. He does still want a sexual relationship but he told me that because he knows it is not what I need or want right now, he will not go for it. He told me that he knows he hurt me and that he just wants to make it up to me. Back when it was between me and his wife it was actually me who thought that I could not be with him because he is a cheater an I could never deal with being cheated on so I never even took my chance. He still means so much to me and the fact that he is there for me now, makes me think he does really love me. I don't know what would be the right thing to do but I just love him and would like to have a real future with him. Any advice? Maybe from someone who has been there or who know better or doesn't? Just any thoughts would help...Than you so much in advance.
View related questions:
affair Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2015): Give him up once and for all and learn to build decent honest relationships with everyone. How sad you continue to waste your life my dear. I hope you see beyond him.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (4 May 2015):
 If after 3 years together he did not leave his wife for you he's not going to do it now.
and even if he did... every time he was out of your sight or on his phone and not sharing won't you think he's with some other woman?
After all he lies to his wife, why won't he lie to you?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 May 2015):
 You spend 3 years in this affair and he didn't leave his wife. So WHY would he do that now?
You can go ahead and WASTE more of your time and life on a man who IS NOT and WILL NOT be yours.
Being there for you is NOT that hard, it doesn't requite commitment from his side.
I think IF he truly loved you MORE than his wife... He would end his marriage. BUT he won't.
He is quite happy with her AS HIS WIFE and to have you on the side worshiping him.
Don't settle for "half" a man.
Don't settle for SOMEONE else's man.
Now let's say (for pure entertainment) that he DID leave his wife... for you. HOW long do you think it would take him to find a new Other Woman? Because if you think he would be faithful to YOU, if he can't even be faithful to the woman he MARRIED you are deluding yourself. You would NEVER be able to trust him. And if you two were just a little rocky (and people without trust have rocky relationships) he will resent you for "making" him leave his wife whom he might have been bored with, but he was overall HAPPY with her (at least in his mind).
STOP wasting your life.
If you want a guy to LOVE and SUPPORT you physically, emotionally and spiritually HE ISN'T IT. Find some one who WANTS to be with ONLY you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2015): I think you might be hoping for too much, yes. First off, he's married and he's made it clear he won't leave his wife, and you realized that already.Secondly, you will not be happy with him if you do get your wish. Sure, it might seem like a good idea now, and you want to be with him because he's there for you and that's understandable. However, you have to realize that if you do get together, you're always going to be wondering if he's cheating on you, like he did to his wife.Have you heard of the phrase, "the grass is greener on the other side?" He wants you because he doesn't live with you. He doesn't have to deal with you at home, whether you do the dishes or not, whether you cook for him or not, etc. You're not there with him all the time either to see his tendencies and personality with home life. You don't know if he's going to be as sweet as he is now. Right now, he only seems like the best man in the world, because that is all he is showing you. You don't know the real him, until you're in a committed relationship, and like I said from the start, it seems that he doesn't want one with you, if he's not going to leave his wife.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2015): I had an affair with a married man. I became dependent on him emotionally too. He could conveniently compartmentalise and control his affection to me and continue being a husband. That was 10 years ago. He is still married. I moved away and have no contact haven't for years. Now I wonder at myself. Why I was so prepared to be grateful for the allocated amounts of his 'love'. I was desperate I was lonely and the hope kept me in it. Wasted years and I missed out on a real honest relationship. I know you're low but he ain't leaving his wife. Stop torturing yourself. Your self esteem and self worth are low to zero. That suits him.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (4 May 2015):
 I believe the following to be true:
- He isn't going to leave his wife.
- It wouldn't be right if he did.
- He says he doesn't want sex but he does want it.
I believe you should cut your losses now. In a few years you will notice that this isn't only the right thing for you to do, but also the smart thing to do.
Do you need the trouble of being with a person who isn't free and who will probably never be your stable couple?
Be well.
...............................
|
