A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I started seeing my boyfriend over a year ago, we've been official since December last year. Despite the fact that we have both been in relationships which have lasted longer, we have both discussed how this is our most serious relationship to date and plan to move in together soon and overall the relationship is going really well.My only slight problem is that I show more interest in the relationship than he does. I make more of an effort to see him and prioritise seeing him, where as he will often prioritise his work. An example being he was a couple of streets away from my house tonight at a class, so I asked if he wanted to call in after, his response was 'no its ok, unless your really arsed?' where as I know I would have definitely called in! Is this just simply he doesnt like spending time with me as much as i like spending time with him? Or is it something else?I felt before that I was often too available to him and have taken up more hobbies and enjoy being busy, but when i am not being as available or as loving/sweet he constantly asks me if something is wrong and states that hes insecure.I dont want him to feel insecure but i would like the power difference in our relationship to even out. Any suggestions on how to do this?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (2 September 2014):
 Yep. What YouWish said.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (2 September 2014):
 Why is this a power issue? He doesn't control your life, career, friends, money, clothes, or dreams, does he? I fail to see where power has a play in this.
I know, it feels like he's the more aloof one in the relationship, which makes it feel like he holds the cards. You know that's not the case if he's talking about insecurity if you are more distant. You did the right thing by rounding out your life with other things in it, like friends or hobbies or other interests, and don't get drawn into the insecurity thing. If he asks what's wrong, ask him how much he loves you. Don't play defensive or shut down emotionally on him. Just be busy when you are, and smile when you're not. Don't always be available, and have an air of mystery. Don't ask him to come over...make him chase you some!
Relationships are give and take. Pull back from him slightly, without being cold, and watch him do a complete 180, especially with his insecurities. And, the next time he talks about them, respond something like..."well, take me out on a really fun date, and you have nothing to worry about" and then let him choose the time. Don't always be going over to people's houses to watch TV or booty call. Be someone on the go with a lot going for you in life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2014): I guess you just need more attention from your bf.the good news is your so different from your bf and opposites attract.But i do understand where your coming from. Like you need him to make feel like there is equality when it comes to exerting effort in showing love n care.My question is how often do you see your bf in a week? Does he calls n text you at least everyday? If you answer at least 3 times a week you see each other or 4 or more especially during weekends then your good. Nothing to worry regardless who initiates to see each other.How about calls n text? Normally i would say its a red flag if he dont.But i have a secret to tell you.Most of my relationships lasted years.My secret, i have a bad habit of testing the waters during the getting to know each other phase.I dont call. I dont text. I dont show anything unless he initiates. It made them crazy. But when a guy have proven their worth so i say yes were officially in a relationship. Thats the time i become sweet.I initiate. Shows more attention. Its like pay back time. I couldbt care less because im in love.In a relationship to work, there should be give n take. Sometimes even eat n chew your pride. Because thats what love is all about.In the bible it sez.. love is kind, patient, not rude, not self seeking, not prideful, it keeps no records of wrong. In short its unconditional.If i were you talk to your bf in a very calm way n tell him how you feel. Compromise.I know your needs i definitely understand that. But in order to resolve the issue or how you feel, u need to have a heart to heart talk with him.I feel like you love him so much n im sure he feels the same for you. You just need to fix your misunderstanding with him.Pray.. trust god.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (1 September 2014):
 the worpower does't belong in any relationship between a man and a women. Maybe between two boxers?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2014): What's power got to do with anything? What you've described is how you both differ in your approach to your relationship. Do you want more power to control his feelings and reactions?
Depending on your needs, sometimes it may seem one is making more effort than the other. Men don't think like women; so they will not behave exactly the same emotionally. We have the same feelings; but we may not duplicate each others approach.
You may want to see him everyday and reguire a lot of messages and calls to satisfy your needs. He may need to buckle-down and focus on his studies; which you interpret as neglecting you. Sounds like the struggle between you is your trying to make him mirror and match you tit for tat. I think he has a right to express his feelings for you his own way. Just as you do.
So it means he cares less, if he doesn't reflect your every action move for move?
Have you considered he may not be as needy as you are? It doesn't mean he loves you any less. He's a guy, and just may not be as emotional; but that doesn't mean you mean less to him than school or work. What you described just seems he's busy with work and school. He may feel tired after a full day. He's trying to finish school; which will allow him to focus more time and attention on you. Improve his marketability professionally, increase his earning potential, prepare him for a better economic future, and maybe even a family.
In reality, priorities change. Decision-making is based on immediate need and according to the urgency of a given situation. I don't see where your power is being compromised.
I could see being upset; because he's out hanging with his buddies, making lame excuses and lying to avoid you, and/or lying about his whereabouts. But focusing on his studies and his job? What???!!
It's just me, but I would think he'd have to get all his finances and education immediately in order. To move his girlfriend in; so all of that is under control, and out of the way.
Let's just say this is all to your benefit; and therefore places you as the priority in his life. Giving you the best he can offer. You can always look at it from a less positive angle. That's your prerogative.
Sometimes it's more about compromise than proving your power over someone. You probably were attracted to each other; because you are BOTH strong individuals. Essentially a power-couple. I see no signs of inequality. Just differences in the ways you express your feelings.
If you meant he made decisions without your input, decided what you wear, or always feels he has the last word? I could see where he would be showing disregard for your equality within your relationship.
You want him to be as needy for you, as you are towards him? Well, that depends on his personality doesn't it? Maybe he's the wrong kind of guy for you. You need a man who's main priority is you. If you text him all day long, he should have a quick response for each and every message received. He should put you above everything, regardless of its importance.
The reality in relationships is that things don't always come out even. You strive for equality, and be mature and intelligent enough to realize you don't always balance the scale.
You respect each others feelings and try to meet the others needs. You will never meet his every need, try as you may. Life just springs too many unexpected and unforeseen responsibilities to focus on only one thing or a single person. Your opinion that you aren't equal in your relationship is purely subjective. You can always end it when he has proven himself to be a totally selfish, apathetic, stiff, and negligent prick. Unfeeling and unemotional. Then why did you pick him?
He doesn't steal any power from you by not allowing you to be the top priority at all times. You can place him anywhere you wish to place him, that's up to you. He doesn't have to match you move for move; unless he wants to, and of his own free will.
If he feels he must say and do things; because you'll get angry? Maybe you don't realize it; but that could be a sign you're being too demanding, and a little high-maintenance.
You say you do all the work, we'll take your word for it.
What choice do we really have? I can only say, place yourself in his shoes, and see it from his position. That's they way couples learn to compromise and balance things.
We get only one side of the story here. Maybe you've left out a lot of things. If you have more details; be fair.
We can help better when you are truthful, candid, and considerate of your partner. The worse you make him sound, the closer you get to the solution of leaving him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous12345678910 +, writes (1 September 2014):
I don't think there's that much wrong to be honest-work is important and maybe he was tired and wanted to get home quick after the class.If you're seeing him several times a week and have discussed moving in together then he is interested in the relationship,unless there could be an alterior motive for moving in with you,is his rent now very expensive or is he desparate to move out of his mum's house? If not then I wouldn't worry
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