A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please note this is a long read:I’m after some none biased honest feedback/comments regarding my relationship with my boyfriend of just over a year.We have a strong connection and when we have fun, we really do - we’re silly together, and are both very positive and excited about the future. We started off living over 40 miles apart, but would see each other about 3-4 days a week and just had fun. Worries seemed far away and it was all good. We have gone through a lot together and separately so that we can live together. It’s been a challenging time, 2 house sales (mine is still going through), I have moved away and have had to find new work (I’m self employed and have lots of little jobs, so it will just take time to be back on a full wage). We have the pressure of 2 sets of bills to pay, while my house is still progressing through the sale, me trying to fond work, my bf having to pay the majority of the house bills at the house we live at together, until my money comes in from my house sale, and me travelling all over the place for work. We are both worn out and couldn’t be more ready for a holiday. Financially, things could be better, and are getting better all the time, as my work is starting to pick up, and my house has sold. We still go out for nice meals a couple of times a week, and we both contribute.However, there been a few problems cropping up lately, and it’s getting us both down, as our strong happy memories are always at the forefront of our minds, and we know that we should not be having any of these problems.We have very different jobs - he works long shifts (12.5 hours) and with the 30-45 minute travel each way, on top, he just gets time to eat, bath and sleep in between shifts. His bosses are working them all to the ground and they’re lucky if they get a break. He’s not enjoying it there at the moment. He does get 4 days off after working 4 days (that’s if he doesn’t get a last minute cover shift come up on him), but 1 of those is catching up on sleep, and then trying to get his body clock back to days - his body clock doesn’t know what’s happening, and I know he gets really tired. Because of this, on his days off he likes a release, and do fun things. It’s a main reason we go out to eat when he’s off, and then go into town for some drinks, and often get a taxi - we have great nights out.My job on the other hand is a really fun positive environment, and I get a lot of job satisfaction. I deal directly with the customer and 9.9 times out of 10, they absolutely love what I do, which makes me very happy. I feel really appreciated and it’s very rewarding. My bf’s job and mine, comparing the two, he is stuck in the same building for hours without a break, and my working day is made up of lots of little jobs, so I get a breather in between each one, and very fun atmosphere. Therefore I don’t need that release, like he does. I’m always more than happy to go out for meals though, as it’s aomeghkng I’ve always enjoyed, and if he needs to do this for his sanity then that’s good for me too.However, sometimes I am happy to just sit in peace and relax. I get a lot of enjoyment from doing quiet things like reading, walking, cooking and, as strange as it may sound toSome people (like my bf), just sometimes appreciating the silence, tv off, music off, nothing. I like to gather my thoughts at the end of a busy day and do nothing.When it comes to bed time, I think it’s a nice thing to go to bed at the same time, so I will always try to match my body clock to his, whether that means getting up at 4:30am or staying up very late at night and not going to bed until 2/3am. When we do go to bed, he likes to watch a film. This seems to cause a problem, as this is something he has always needed to do to get to sleep. He says he finds it difficult to get to sleep without something to take his mind of his daily troubles, and the film just takes him away from reality.Me, on the other hand, I can’t sleep if the tv is on, as the flashing lights and the sound (even if the volume is low) keeps me wide awake. He has tried to watch films on his iPad (with headphones) as to not bother me, but I can still see the light from the screen. Plus, I think for intimacy it’s nice and important to cuddle. Cuddling ha another issue at times, as the position gives my bf a bad back, or sometimes rib pain, because he cannot move. I always end up, even in my sleep, shuffling right up to him, as I want to be close, and this gives him no space to comfortably move, so he ends up twisting and waking up in pain. We have a king size bed by the way.We have great times when we’re out, but when we stay in, there is a bit of conflict that we’re both aware of, and when we think about it we realise we are wasting precious time. He recently brought up the food shopping bill, saying that we have dispute about costs and purchasing. This is new to me, and the first I have heard from it. We originally decided to put a set amount each into the same bank account for food and petrol. However, he eats a lot more than I do, but I didn’t want to kick up a fuss about it, and I don’t see the point in arguing about money. I have noticed however, when he does the food shop he mainly buys things for himself to take to work, and things I don’t really like, but then buys about 25% of the stuff for “us”. When I do the shop I buy 100% everything for us. I also cook when I can, from scratch. It’s rare he buys things for me to cook with, so all my money on the food shop I only get to eat half of, so it’s costing me a lot more than it did before we met, which means the days I don’t see him (as I have to work away 2 days a week while my work builds up), I hardly eat at all. This is so I can buy “us” some nice food and contribute to our meals out. His bills are massively high and I understand the pressure he is under, while we are waiting for my place to go through. I have had to drop a load of work so we can live together, but it’s building up well, and I do my best, and pay whatever I can. So basically we are both under pressure, and time in the house results in petty conflicts about housework, films, tiredness, desperately needing a holiday, affording things, him complaining of pains in his body due to sleeping awkwardly, and being bored in the house as he needs a release. We have both said that once my place completes and the money is int he same house and the bills are equally halved, it will ease things ups massively for us both. We can work towards the same thing, and even plan a much needed holiday. We try to keep this in mind, but can’t seem to be able to help letting the tension rise between us, and it’s happening at least once a week, sometimes more.I’m working away at the moment, and this is on my mind, and I cannot focus on my job properly, where I am needed to give a positive and happy vibes. He sent me a message earlier bringing up our little tiffs, and ended the message saying he hopes our legs won’t buckle under the pressures. I am about to sign my house away and I need to know his legs won’t buckle. I love my house that I am selling, and the new house we have moved in together is good for us, but I need to know the commitment is there and we can get through this. He knows I like to put 100% into everything I do, and I know he does too. He doesn’t give up easily, but his comment has put worry into my mind.I would like a fresh perspective, as if there is something I could be doing that would make things better I would do it, or I’m doing something that I shouldn’t be then I need to know. Thank you for your help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2018): Hi, I am the original poster from this question. Thank you WiseOwl We both have a lot on our plates at the moment. My work is great and I can’t complain about that. However, I do have a lot of stress regarding the sale of my house, as it has a lot of issues attached to the building, which means nobody can get a mortgage on it at the moment. I have ongoing bills with the place, and never know where I am with my money as I just keep getting bills through the door, which makes it difficult for me to fully focus on the new house with my bf. For example I had a bill recently to say the roof will need either replacing completely or we can choose to have a patch up job - which never seems to work, this would cost be personally up to £10K. I have had one buyer pull out of the sale due to the difficulties involved, so I’ve had to reduce the price for a cash sale. It’s hard for me to write everything down in my original post, as it was already long enough! I’m dealing with all of this while having to find more work. However, I think my job actually is helping me to get through it, as it’s very rewarding.The reason we decided I move further away than my bf was for his job which pays well. So he has managed to keep his job, and even suggested he would support us until my sale goes through. Of course I don’t remind him of this, because I feel I have to look at the situation as it is now, and I can see the bills he has to pay, which is why I do all I can to help. I usually end up spending more than I earn, so I’m very conscious of not getting heavily into debt, as that would create more problems. He, on the other hand, has a healthy amount of savings in the bank, which he deserves to have as he works so hard for. When he says he is struggling, I think he is comparing his new situation to his low outgoings where he used to live before. I have no money left at the end of the month, and usually end up having to put bits of food shopping on credit cards, which I hate doing, but I don’t make it a big deal, as I dont want money to get in the way, especially as I can see the light at the end of the tunnel (house sale and work is going well).I would love to be able to buy more food for us, and I already spend 2-3 times more on food than I ever have before, and I’m having to almost starve myself the days I don’t see him, just to be able to eat nice foods together.He talks to me about his work problems, and I always listen. He has signed up to lots of job websites so he is always on the lookout for a new job. But everything that comes up doesn’t compare to the pay he receives now - but unfortunately it also has high expectations attached with it. I think it’s just general day to day problems getting on top of us and we both desperately need a holiday.He has tried watching the films on his iPad with headphones, but the glare from the screen has still kept me awake, but I suppose at least the noise won’t keep me awake aswell, so I can suggest we try it again. He never expects me to get up at 4:30am but I like having breakfast together, and going to bed together. For me, everything is about doing things together, and closeness, so I do everything I can so we can be close. I don’t always get up at that time when he does, but i like to make the effort when I can. I like to make things easy and pleasant for him, such as help out as much as I can with housework, especially when he’s working his 12 hour shifts, and prepare our meals for us, to make his days fun smoother. Sometimes though, I’m unable to do this if I’m working.However, this may need to be looked at again, as I think you’re right about being creative and adaptive to the situation, and we both like to overcome any problems. As I said before we’re both positive people who don’t let these kind of things get to us. So it threw me when he said he hopes “our legs don’t buckle under the pressure”.Once my house sale completes I think the plan is to pay it all into the house to reduce the mortgage - as it’s the biggest bill we’ll ever have. I like your idea of visiting a financial-planner though ?? Thank you.As for his “own big bills” - I’m referring to the mortgage mainly, so once my house sells it will be our bill and it will be reduced with a lump sum, and halved on top of that, as we’ll both be paying it, so things will ease up massively. I would’ve liked to use a bit for savings (just a few hundred pounds to get me started), and also a weekend break (not a big expensive holiday like you mentioned - just a few days away to relax, as we do desperately need it), but since I’ve had to reduce the price for a cash sale, due to the problems attached to the building, my bf believes I need to stick the whole lot in - just like he did - except he put about double of what I’m putting in. I know he is excellent at money planning, which is how he got where he has, so I have faith in his plan, which is why I will more than likely pay it all in the house.We -already do shop separately for food - I’m really good at selecting the deals, and go to multiple shops to get the most for the money. This is why I don’t like shopping together - as he just puts lots of stuff in the trolley and the bill is really high! We always schedule date-nights, every week we go out once or twice and really enjoy ourselves. As for getaway weekends it’s tricky at the moment while my work is building up, and my house sale is yet to complete.As for his bad back, this has only come on since we have spent more time together at night. We have always cuddled, and it’s what we both like to do.Thank you again for all your comments and I shall take them on board ??
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2018): Sounds like everyday-life in a relationship. Sometimes schedules conflict, sometimes you don't match sleeping patterns, and sometimes you want something he is unable to provide.
If he has a bad-back, maybe he should see a specialist.
Relationships go through cycles. You deal with money issues, you get tired; and sometimes you may get stressed and take it out on each other. Selling a house is a headache! You just want to get it over with!
You have less stress than he does, and he's not exactly happy with his hours or his job. Then HE has to make a decision on how to rectify that situation. Sit-down and talk about it. Let him vent and get it off his chest, part of the stress comes from bottling it up.
If you aren't to blame, don't hesitate to remind him. Modify that behavior. Snapping at you solves nothing. If he's pissed at his boss, it's not your fault! Ask him to calm-down, but you understand. Don't take any crap! Leave work at work, once you get home!
You should recommend that he gets ear-plugs or wireless head-phones for his devices, or the TV. He shouldn't disturb your rest. You can't always go to bed at the same time. He has irregular hours, and you both need your sleep! Being tired and robbed of sleep makes everyone cranky!
You shouldn't get-up at 4 am, if you don't have to. If you do, you can't complain; because it's voluntary. I don't know anyone that much fun to be around at that hour. While getting ready for work I just want my coffee, health-shake, and silence. Sometimes we mess-around in the morning before work. After, I just stay put; until time for me to get ready. I don't get-up just to watch someone get ready for work. You can program the coffee-maker, and make a breakfast-plate and/or lunch the night before. He's a big-boy, he can also do it himself.
No, you can't always make up for time by squeezing yourself into weird time-slots. It gets annoying for both of you. Be reasonable and an adult about things. Be creative and work with what you have. Things always fall back into place.
Cycles change. We do what necessity dictates; or we make compromises and adjustments to make things work to benefit everyone. Take turns sleeping-in! Give each other peace and quiet.
I didn't read anything I found particularly different from the ordinary; except his hours seem to suck. In time, he can look for another job; once your job-situation is more stabilized. Once your house is sold, you are likely to get money for equity. Pay-down/off as many small bills as you can. You should only handle the smaller ones, and let him handle his own big bills. You should see a financial-planner to help you to get your finances under control.
You have to set aside a nest-egg. Keep big-spending under control. Big expensive holidays are tempting, but you better be fiscally-responsible and practical; or you'll be bickering over spending again. People see a windfall; and go through it like crazy. Nothing is left in a short-time!
Shop separately for food. Let him buy what he likes. If he pays the bulk of the bills; you should shop extra for cooking meals anyway. Include healthy foods for his lunch, if he doesn't eat right. Stress and bad food are an unhealthy mix. You should remind him of that.
Schedule date-nights and getaway weekends. You plan them ahead, so all you have to do is do them. Don't bicker, just do it. Your hours are not what you like, make the best of quality-time together. Don't force yourselves to be together if you're both irritable or tired. You'll fight like caged animals. You live in the same house; so you are always together at some point in-time. If he never was the cuddly-type, why do you suddenly want it so badly? He only knows what is normal for you; if you want something new, it has to be discussed and worked into your lives. Modify his behavior.
People create problems and become irritable when they become slaves to routine, complacent, and lazy. That's when we get restless and start to get on each others nerves. You sit about stewing on your problems; when you need some fresh-air and a change of atmosphere. Get-off your asses! Go out!
For now, he doesn't like his job-situation; and that is something only he can resolve. Nothing you can really do about that. Just be supportive and patient. Remind him not to snap at you, but give him breathing-room. He can't adjust his hours, they are set for him; and pressuring him knowing this only makes for unnecessary bickering.
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