A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:First time I have done something like this online but there is no one else i can speak to about this. I am married with a child and 2 step kids, I love my wife but I don't know if I am still in love with her. I met a girl in her 20s a couple months back, she is beautiful, like really wow. I maintain her house and work for her landlord. She seems to be calling me out for tiny jobs she could do herself. I think it is to see me, tbh. When I see her in the street I can't takenmy eyes off her, and wonder if she knows how I feel? Some days she is sweet and bubbly others she ignores me. Keep giving me more mixed signals. I want to take her out but don't know how to approach it. I would be leaving my wife of 12 years for her. So I need to know she wants me too. If I did make a pass and she didn't want me know too, I could loose everything including my job. What should I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2014): In my humble opinion, your biggest issue is that you "love (your) wife but are no longer in love" with her. Love is not simply passion; it's dedication, living a life together, respect, caring, sharing the good and bad, and raising a healthy family. People too often mistake passion with love. In every relationship passion fades...it's a known psychological fact. If you indeed feel this way, either end the relationship or seek counseling. Your devoted wife and mother of your children deserves as much. I cannot speak to the intentions of this young lady but suffice it to say most attractive, young females (IF they entertain a possible relationship with an older male) are NOT looking for a "handy-man" type (no offense to that profession or you). It'd most likely be to someone very intellectual/financially secure, and/or someone that can further her career. especially if a potential ex-wife and baggage of children (sorry--that would be her perspective). Literally "tit" for "tat" so-to-speak (sorry to be crude). Sigh. Older men fantasizing about younger, "hot" women is normal and the oldest, tiredest story EVER. Don't be the cliche. Grow some balls and either work on your marriage, dissolve it, and be free to move on.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2014): If you leave your wife you should do it because you don't love her and want her. Period. This infatuation is only a sign that you're either going through a mid life crisis or you really want out of your marriage for the reason I already mentioned.
When I read the headline I actually thought you were already together with that other, younger woman. Look deep down and do what needs to be done. Give your wife a chance too, for a better life with you or without you. Make an effort either way...
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2014): I will add to this, and I really hope others have not scared you completely away as I think you were right to seek out help instead of acting on an impulse. Obviously some self-control is still intact here, and I understand that can be really hard when temptation takes over.Some people can be brutal. I am 27, and am constantly made fun of my by peers for looking much younger (between 19 and 21). So I will tell you we are not ALL horrible people looking to make fun of some unsuspecting married man. But, like a previous poster said, we get lonely too. And sometimes, we give off the wrong impression because we seek out attention (much like you, just in a different way).I have done a lot of reading because currently I am separated from my husband. And preemptively for this very reason (I am not sure I am in love with him, and do not want to end up in the situation you are in 10 years down the line). Even though there is not even anyone else in the picture, I read on every possible scenario. And have read a lot about affairs (don't ask.. I am separated, living at my mom's, and bored). People get themselves in the craziest scenarios, fall in love, and then end up staying with their wives anyway. Though it is then never the same. Even once you have HAVE the girl, you will start to believe she is your soul mate, and it would be wrong to deny yourself of that one shot at true love (this is classic, apparently). But they say a lot of this ends up just being fantasy and it almost always ends bad, and then people regret forever having lost everything they had before. And once it is gone, you can never get it back.You haven't even gotten so deep in yet that you can't turn back. Some people are absolutely devastated because they are just addicted to their "new" loves. Believe it or not, you are in a very good position having not acted on it yet. Take some time to separate your emotions from the logic, list out the pros and cons and decide what you really want for your future (YES, future). Look inside yourself and decide how you want your life to look 5 years from now. And if you can honestly say that is with your wife and not someone new (and those feelings fade), please get yourself to a marriage counselor because if you are willing to put in the work, they can help.I hope this helps. Try not to beat yourself up. Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2014): I know you've had a lot of slack from others on here but I know it must've been hard to admit your feelings about this, even anonymously, so I will give you the best advice I can.
I do understand it's a confusing situation. There's a lot of things at play here. Unfortunately, after you've been married a long time, with children etc, the honeymoon period DOES wear off & it takes work to keep the romance alive. Most probably, you two have neglected that part of the marriage, not realising just how important it is. I speak about this from experience. You need to MAKE time for it.. have regular DATE nights.
If you compare your feelings for your wife & this young girl right now, of course the crush you have on the young girl makes you feel young, alive. It's been flattering having a young girl flirt with you - makes you feel attractive & you probably haven't had this attention in a long time (having been married for more than a decade). Be careful. This is an infatuation, nothing more. You know nothing about this girl. Please don't even consider going there. You are risking losing far too much & if you leave your wife, chances are it could be a mistake & you'd never get her back after something like this.
I was once a flirt. I didn't show off my body or anything like that, but I used to spend time talking with work colleagues, guys who were double my age & I would listen to their problems & take an interest. I used to get asked out all the time & could never figure out how they could get that impression. I wasn't flirting on purpose. It must've been a subconscious thing. I enjoyed the attention they showed me (as I wasn't getting any anywhere else in my life) but as a result, I was giving off the wrong impression. You could be in these guys' situation, even though you believe the signs clearly show she's interested.
You have a family & children. There are so many people who would love both of these things that will never have the opportunity. You are lucky, you are so fortunate. Treasure your family, work on your marriage. Without the work, it WILL go stagnant. We long for the honeymoon period, the butterflies, the lust but it can still all exist in your current relationship. You just have to work to bring it back again.
In your situation, you need to ignore your ... & think with your mind. Be practical. Think about what you're ultimately sacrificing. Could you grow old with this girl? Could you share your life with this girl? Would she be keen to play stepmum to your children? You're honestly setting yourself & everyone you care about up for a long hurtful battle.
This is honestly how I see things panning out if you were to pursue this girl. Please let us know what you decide to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2014): My sister is gorgeous and 24 and whenever she sees a guy your age who is acting all goo goo eyed she makes fun of him... and then tells all her 24 year-old girlfriends and then they make fun of him too. He is one big joke they can all laugh at. Hey, I have been there too. Early 20's, I had creepy old married men chasing me in the gym. I was disgusted by them and totally repulsed.You are making such a total fool out of yourself. Contemplating leaving your wife over a kid who likely would not provide what a man YOUR AGE wants and needs in terms of compatibility and life partner skills.She is just a novelty. Young. Pretty. Nothing more.You are really making a big mistake here.You don't even know her and are thinking of leaving your family for her? That is messed up. And who will it be next? If this one doesn't bite? And she WON'T!!! You will have to set your sights on some older, desperate woman your age who is okay with seeking sloppy seconds. Likely not as attractive but more willing. Which makes it much easier for the likes of you. Think you can score here? Think again Mr. Over the Hill Has Been Player. Not gonna score. All the charm in the world isn't going to work on this one. You are out of your league.You are living in fantasy land Mister. Open your eyes to the real world.The novelty or idea of this girl will wear off so quickly it will send your head spinning. And then all you will be is alone and wishing the good woman you tossed away like trash was still there for you. But I will guarantee you by that time it will be too late. The "trash" will be scooped up by some other SMART guy who realizes it isn't trash but a TREASURE. REGRET lasts forever and a day.
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (4 November 2014):
 You are most likely going through a mid life crisis. You see a hot young thing and get all worked up. I hate to break this to you but the odds are the young thing is using her looks to get things done and its very unlikely that she thinks of you as anything more than a fatherly figure. Unless you have tons of money...you wouldn't turn her on. Think with your head on top of your shoulders and don't stir up trouble. You'll look like a fool and what if your wife finds out? Why dont you try working on your marriage and getting the spark back? If not, at least leave your wife first before you start running off after young girls. And if you do leave your wife, be prepared to suffer regret and humiliation. Something to think about huh? Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2014): This is coming from someone once in the young girl's shoes... There is no way a young girl is legitimately attracted to a much older man. She might even be flattered by the attention you are paying her but unless u can provide huge benefits for her, you don't have a chance. That is not what you want to hear but it's the truth.
I am not proud but I was once a young girl who used older men to get what I want. I was pretty and very nice so they fell in love with me. I knew I didn't want them but I lead them on and let them believe there was a future. It would scare me to death when a man would talk about divorce so he could be with me.
Get away from her as far as possible. She is Not Real.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 November 2014):
 It's better to age gracefully than to desperately hang on to youth. When you look at your wife, at first you would feel sad that she is getting old with you, life is passing you by. Try to replace these thoughts with you are both getting wiser together and your bond is deeper. Do something special to your wife. At the next anniversary, say something like thanks for so many years together, and many more coming . . .
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female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (3 November 2014):
Middle age crisis alert! *slap slap slap slap slap*
Dude, wake up! What are you thinking? I know a little bit of attention from a younger woman feels great, but take it for the ego boost that it is and think of your family! Think of your kids! You don't have the slightest clue if this young woman would want to run off with a man twice her age, who has a wife and kids. And even if she would, it likely wouldn't be as rosy as you think.
Appreciate what you have. Go home and make love to your wife, and get thee to a marriage counselor, stat!
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female
reader, Flower89  +, writes (3 November 2014):
 Wow just wow!! You are a piece of workFirst of all she sees you as her handyman, she needs jobs doing, so batting her eyes and flirting gets you to do it. Off course she will.Is she bubbly when a job needs doing and ignores you when she doesn't need your help? This girl knows how u feel and prob jokes about it with her friends. Another point if she knows your married and let's you sleep with her, is she really this wonderful girl you think she is? Doubt she has any plans to though sounds like she has you wrapped round her finger and that's good enough for her. Doesn't sound like she wants you back at all.As of your wife + kids they deserve better!!!!! Yes leave let your wife find someone who does love her and not chase after any young thing that bats her eyes.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2014): Sir stop playing yourself this is a crush that will die down when her eyes began to wonder like yours.Stay in your lane you must have loved your wife remember 12 years and children.Think clearly:)
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 November 2014):
 And if she doesn't want you, what will change? NOTHING
you will continue to love your wife but not be IN love with her.
either fix your marriage or leave but don't CHEAT.
of course you could CHEAT and then your wife and all the kids will live nicely when your wife has GROUNDS to file for divorce.
Be an adult. END one relationship before beginning another.
OH and most girls in their 20s would probably say "he's so sweet he reminds me of my DAD"
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 November 2014):
 Just end your marriage. You are ready to leave your wife for a crush, all you need is the right little signal. So get yourself free of that unwanted wife and you can date anyone you want!
Just an FYI, it has been known to happen, that young women bat their eyes at older men in order to get things done around the house. 'Help poor little helpless me!'
The grim news is that she ignores you a lot of the time, which suggests that that is exactly what she's doing. Trying to get you to do extra work for her around the house.
If you don't love your wife anymore why are you wasting your wife's time?
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