A
female
age
41-50,
*ovejunkie
writes:I worry that I never give myself completely in a relationship. Ever since I was a young woman, and got my heart dashed by my first love, I have never allowed myself to be so in love with anyone else. I always keep back some reserves, some distance, some part of me that remains detached. It's not visible on the outside. I'm committed physically, and mentally, but I know emotionally I'm withholding and I don't know how to break this pattern. I believe it's my self-preservation that I never be that devastated and naive again, to love "blindly" and then be destroyed when I discover someone is not what I think they are (my first real love cheated on me and then threw me aside for someone else). I've been in a few long term relationships and it starts out great, then slowly I recognize things about them that disappoint or hurt me, or I am constantly thinking they cannot be trusted and the detachment begins. It's almost like, out of my control. Something just begins to pull away, little by little and now I don't know if I'm even capable of loving like other people love me. I know I have hurt a couple of guys very badly because they loved me more than I loved them and I know somehow, I slowly pulled away emotionally until I felt nothing, no remorse for even hurting them. I wasn't cruel, or mean, I just simply felt nothing anymore. Counseling hasn't really helped me with this problem. Has anyone else experienced this?
View related questions:
cheated on me Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Uncle Trev  +, writes (22 September 2007):
What a tough predicament you are in. It seems that this is a once bitten twice shy scenario and your attempt at distance as you say is one of sheer self preservation.
I have not been in this scenario much myself but have been in a parallel one that might help.
Between by son and my daughters birth we went through several later miscarrages which were absolutely horrible. My daughter who just survived birth was in a special care unit and on life support for the first six weeks of her life. During this time I chose not to touch her at all and kept a huge distance away from her and tried to ignore her, putting all the effort in trying to keep my wife stable (emotionally). I felt at the time if my daughter was to die in that place then as someone who was less attached I would be in a stronger position to cope. What actually would have happened at that time if my daughter had of died, I really do not have a clue what I would have done or how I would have coped personally. We have since bonded very well without complications and at 11 she is now a real Daddy's girl.
Have I lost out? - I don't know - I really don't know.
Are you loosing out of your situation? - It looks like you believe you are - especially as it has been going on for what I understand to be a rather long time.
If you commit yourself fully will you get hurt?
Most probably yes.
If you commit yourself fully will you reap the benefits?
Most probably yes.
In other words you would reap the benefits whilst the relationship commences but would hit the ground harder if it doesn't. But going through what you are going through at the moment is a long drawn out punishment and it sounds to me like you are far worse off in not committing your emotions fully.
My situation was a temporary one (six weeks or so - maybe twelve if you include the late stages of my wifes pregnancy) but your one is a parmanent set up and I know for a fact that if my personal predicament was a permanent one I would have gotten closer to my daughter by now treasuring each day I would have had with her.
I hope this synonym has helped clarify.
I feel you have to make a tough and somewhat scary decision. I would say that if you have a good present relationship with somebody then talk to them about this. If you do not then at sometime in a blossoming relationship explain this and if your partner is a good one they will understand more than you think.
Hoped this has helped a little.
Trev
A
female
reader, leanne.od +, writes (21 September 2007):
 not personally but i sympathise, because i do have reservations due to my broken home.
sometimes it takes somebody very special to understand that it's not easy to commit when you don't understand your own feelings, let alone taking on someone else emotional issues.
until you can recognise that not everyone is going to hurt you like you were before, then it's going to be difficult to move on. falling out of love and not feeling anything isn't common but it's not abnormal. your heart has put up barriers and the feelings are pyhscological, it's your head which causes you to block this emotion out and until you speak in detail about how you fealt when you were hurt, you won't move on.
good luck, and i'm always here if you need to talk.
...............................
|
