A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:hi all,This could become a very long story if I let it , so i'll try to keep it short. Basically I'm the girlfriend of a widower (of 4 years) , and the relationship has had many up's and down's over 3 years , including a split for 3 months. We've established we want to evetually live together , and are working towards that , but he has 2 children , who are still struggling with their mums death. The youngest (11)and I got on great until he realised our relationship was more serious , and the eldest , has lived away for a while , but is always in trouble of one form or another , this time she's pregnant , and keeping the baby. When she's home , he seems to be more distant than ever , when there's a problem , he'll talk it over with me , but then seems to give in to her every wish ?? I realise she hasnt her mum , and desperately needs her dad. and I do try to be a friend to her, and know i'll never replace her mum , but it always seems to end up in, me taking a backseat , and the whole thing doesn't gel together?? She seems to treat him like a partner rather than a father and he seems to be ok with it ? He says its just time, and things will get better, but time seems to be making it worse ,and if his daughter stays at home for a long time now , due to the baby , i fear our relationship might be under a lot of strain. It's awful feeling like this as i'm only too aware of how hurt they all still are. He actually initiated the relationship with me , and the split up last year , and then came back saying he knew he definately loved me ,and could we try again? So i didn't pressure things but it does worry me , that he isnt ready , and i dont know what to do.
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male
reader, TomWilkinson +, writes (19 November 2007):
 It doesn't sound like he isn't ready to be with you, it sounds more like he feels guilty because of (and I'm in no way blaming them or saying it's their fault) the children. Any (good) parent will always be thinking of their children first and foremost, if what they think they are doing is right by them, even if it isn't.
There's no such thing, I believe, as a quick fix, but there's always a strong starting point, the age old "family meeting". Get everyone together and talk it all through. Tell them how you're feeling, and make sure everyone knows that anything can be said without repurcussions, ie, this is a chance to say exactly your feelings, no matter if they are negative and there will be no shouting, just a conversation to see what everyone feels and why.
I haven't been in this situation from your position, but something incredibly similar occured, luckily the offspring involved was 23/24 at the time, so was very adult, despite still having these feelings of "you'll never replace my dad", so all I can say from something I have witnessed, is that it may just take time
Take care and feel free to email me - [email address blocked]
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