A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and we are in a very loving relationship. I really am very happy but there is just one problem; sex. For almost 4 years of our relationship I had constant kidney and urine infections which meant sex was always painful and I would often get an infection a few days later. Although now I am cured and very rarely have infections I just dont want to have sex.I put it off anyway I can and I often to it without realising. I dont like him touching me as I think it will lead to sex, he is very frustrated and only wants to help but I just dont know what to do and this has been going on so long. I make myself feel so guilty its all I think about. Any suggestions are gratefully received. Thank you. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your suggestions. Yes, I did tell my boyfriend about the infections etc and he has been very supportive. He is just frustrated that even though I havent had any infections for so long, we still are not having sex. I agree with Dr Jon that I have conditioned myself to associate pain with sex. I just dont know what to do to un-condition myslef. Thank you all for your advice.
A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20  +, writes (8 March 2008):
 Idk about this. If he is being frustrated from not being able to have sex with you now he shouldn't have had sex with you all those times when you had your health problems and then he wouldn't have conditioned you to be this way. Question is though, did you tell him about these problems?
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A
male
reader, Dr. John +, writes (8 March 2008):
 When a shooter points a gun and tries to hit a target he/she will often times jerk when they pull the trigger in anticipation of the kick and noise from the gun causing them to miss the target.
This is what is known as a conditioned response.
This sounds to me to be the case with you.
You are experiencing a conditioned response because all of the discomfort you had previously.
The problem is that it could be very difficult to un-learn this conditioned response and could even mean that you will need to seek counseling to break away from this behavior.
You may even want to discuss this with your gynocologist to begin with so that you can rule out any other underlying problems first. Then he/she can point you in the right direction from there. Doc
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2008): I am plagued from time to time with these horrible infections as well, but I put that out of my mind when it comes to having sex with my husband. You are most likely subconciously opposed to sex because you know how much agony it can cause. You will have to get over that to ever have a healthy relationship. Just remember you have to pee after you have sex, especially if you are on top, to flush the bacteria that get pushed into the urethra out of your body. I take cranberry tablets every day to keep the bacteria from clinging to the bladder walls and causing recurrent infections.Right now, you associate sex with pain, and you may need some form of counseling to change that. Best of luck, I hope everything works out.
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A
female
reader, Entirely Unique +, writes (8 March 2008):
 Is there something worrying you that is causing you to shy away from sex or is it just you don't want it or don't feel sexually aroused?
I would also like to know same as DoubleM on whether you even find your boyfriend attractive etc as maybe it's not with you maybe your relationship just isn't that way in your feelings.
Some people do have low sex drives and this could be your issue and maybe a trip to the doctors could answer a few questions for you.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (8 March 2008):
 Gee - five years, now of legal age, still no intimacy at all? Wouldn't likely happen in North America, but I'm not very privy to what is usual in Great Britain. It would seem that you may run the risk of the relationship folding at some point, or then he is madly in love and patiently waiting. You should not feel guilty, however, because many in loving relationships still wait until marriage.
The question must be, "Would you like to become sexual at some point, in marriage or whatever, or will you be asexual?" Another question must be, "Is your boyfriend attractive or desirable to you?" Yes or no? My suggestion would be to decide.
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