A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello I hope you can help me with my problem. I live in Canada; divorced and have a 7-year-old daughter. My parents are permanent residents and they travel back and forth. They have been there for me to take care of my daughter while I was in school and after I started working and they love doing it. They require to stay here few months a year in order to get their citizenship too. Here is the problem. I have a fiancé who is moving to Canada in couple of months and I have started feeling that he doesn't like my parents to be here. I feel he is kind of obsessed and in a sneaky ways just mentions that oh your parents told me they don't like it hear and you shouldn't push them or we don't need their help they need to relax! even his mom that I have just met once in that meeting asked my mom couple of times that what's the plan and if they like it here in Canada. I found it kind of odd. My parents don't have any plan and don't want to live with me if I get married. I still can afford to buy a multi family apartment by myself and give them a unit but his attitude makes me uncomfortable to even think about it or mention it. I found it rude and disrespectful that my fiancé is giving me this feeling. Today finally I told him that I think he is concerned about this and he got defensive that I have nothing against them and they don't want to live with us so why should I be concerned! Again he said it, kind of reassuring himself. I am really heartbroken that why even he is acting like that. He has never been in Canada and I am the one who is applying for him so he can come. Is it a red flag? I don't understand why. I am very well aware of his rights and never expect him to live my parents nor my parents are willing to do that. But I found it very disrespectful that he keeps reassuring himself. Am I overreacting? Thank you for your help.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (14 June 2016):
 OP, I'm more reassured by your latest post, but I really do think it's worth cancelling the fiancée visa and just having him get a prolonged holiday visa for visiting friends. I know it sucks to wait longer to be with him, as I'm in a long distance relationship too, but it's worth it to give your daughter the proper time and space to get used to him. Most kids know their stepdad-to-be for over a year before they move in and get married, so please let your daughter have as close to that as possible. It's not good for her to not know him for a long time before you marry him. It would also be good for her dad to meet him a couple of times, if he wishes, so that he can get a good idea of who will be living with his daughter.I don't doubt that you're a good mum, but it isn't responsible parenting to have already made plans to marry a man your young daughter has never met. You're starting to understand how incredibly important this is and that it can't be rushed, so please do postpone the fiancée visa and just have him visit for a couple of months (even if it's split up into 2 - 4 visits), then have frequent Skype conversations with her present for some of them. Once you started getting serious, your daughter should have gone with you on some visits or he should have come to you, as you've had a serious relationship completely separate from the daughter who will be his stepchild. In the bigger scheme of things, a year is nothing to wait when it gives your daughter the necessary time and space to get to know him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2016): Op- He won't live with me when he is here. He will have a seperated apartment and I will see how the relationship with my daughter will go with him then I go from there. I do not put my daughter last she is the first one. She has already seen the pictures and she knows about him coming here. She always ask me that she is alone here and want me to get a boyfriend or marry someone. I don't make any decision based on that because she is just a child. The anonymous reader the problem is if I cancel the visa how he can come here to even meet my daughter?! if he is here for 3 months and come back then It's almost impossible to get another fiancé visa not mentioning another almost a year wait time for visa processing. Everyone who knows me and even doesn't know me by seeing my child and her behavior always complement me that I'm such a great mom. My daughter is very smart, happy, mature and content and she has it all from me. She is 2 grades ahead and it's me who has been working with her since she was 2, so I won't put my child under stress no matter what. Even if I marry him he will still live in his apartment until my daughter is ready, I'm not stupid trust me! . If she doesn't get along with him there won't be any marriage! Thanks for your advises!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2016): I don't mean this nastily, but you should postpone the fiancee visa and lose any money you spent on it, then do it again in a year when he's had time to become someone your daughter knows because you were love blind enough to completely forget about your daughter in this. Your daughter should TRUST the people she lives with and you've literally planned to move a stranger in to be her stepfather. That's incredibly unfair, unwise and actually quite harmful to your daughter. She should come first and you've treated her like a last thought "oh they haven't met yet" behind your parents and him. It's time to rectify that and be responsible about your daughter's welfare because you know and trust him, but she doesn't, like Andie has been saying. You've just acknowledged that it should be SIX MONTHS, not a mere TWO. If I was her parent, id be fighting for full custody or some rule to stop you moving him in before my daughter knows him well and feels safe around him, I wouldn't let her live in a house with someone she doesn't know or trust when she's a minor. I'd trust you that he's okay, but she needs to have her own experiences of getting to know her stepdad-to-be for several months BEFORE he moves in. I'm pleading with you PLEASE don't do this to her, a stepdad is someone you need to know very well before you move in and become a family.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (11 June 2016):
OP, I know you care about your daughter, please don't move a stranger in. You love him, but your daughter needs to get to know him properly first. There's no need to rush this marriage, you need to focus more on your daughter and her comfort. Don't have him live with you while he's staying either because that's still having a stranger (a man) live with her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2016): OP- Thank you Andie. Unfortunately we can't wait for 6 months because he is coming here with fiancé visa which is just valid for 3 months. He tried to get a tourist visa first to stay here for 6 months but he was denied. So 2 months is the max we can wait. We have a joint custody so my daughter is one week with me and one week with his father. So eve though I preferred the 6 months I guess I should go with 2 months. Hopefully things go well.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (7 June 2016):
I'm glad you feel like you've already started resolving the parents dilemma, OP, but please do wait longer before marrying him - you no doubt prioritise your daughter normally, but you need to give her more than two months before a stranger (to her) lives with her. Please arrange for him to stay elsewhere when he visits and have meet ups with you, your daughter and him, so that she feels safe and has 6+ months to get to know the man her mother is going to be marrying and moving in.
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2016): Thank you Cindy. Yes you are absolutely right. I just needed to hear it from someone else. I am over reacting but I would never ask him to live with my parents in the same building. When he comes we have plan to buy a house and we won't live in that multi family apartment that I mentioned I can buy as an investment and give one unit to my parents. Even today he said he doesn't have any issue even living with them but me or my parents will never be interested doing that. I know it is not healthy and don't like it myself too. I was just disappointed at first because there was no reason for the hints when there has not been any plan for my parents living with us and I was kind of fraustrated getting this feeling from him as I found it irrelevant.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 June 2016):
 Edit : it is NOT weird asking about their plans
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 June 2016):
I think , instead , that you are overreacting, quite a lot.
Of course, admittedly, I wasn't there to hear your conversations and you may have picked off from him verbal and non verbal cues which justify your level of worry and unease. But if I have just to go by what you have reported in your post, what did the poor guy said that it was so offensive ?..
He never said anything derogatory or offensive against your parents, and he is not tryng to keep them at bay or to prevent you from doing anything that you want for them and with them.
He is just saying what he thinks : that your parents don't like Canada ( he can't have invented that, they must have said or done something to indicate that ) and that you should not push them to stay if they do not desire it strongly ( true ). That you don't need their help ( also true , I suppose, since you are getting married and will have a husband to help you raise your kid ) and that they should, and could , relax and live their life only according to their own preferences.
Sensible affirmations, based on what he knows about the circumstances. If then he is wrong, and your parents love nothing better than travelling back and forth, and or staying in Canada for extended period of times, - well, then he is wrong and daily life will prove him wrong once he knows them better.
As for his mom, personally I do not find anything odd in what she said, it was normal small talk. Asking if your parents like Canada is just polite, and as for what their plans are, it's a normal question. Your parents may not have any specific plan and just intend to go with the flow, but most people their age DO have a plan for their "golden years " and where they will live doing what, so it is weird asking about their plans.
Finally you asked him, basically, if he has a problem with your parents, and he said : No. Don't you trust him ? Have you found him bemding the truth before ?
As for what you call " reassuring himself " - even if there was a bit of that, - why do you find it offensive ? It's sort of natural. He can't be as enthusiastic about your parents as you are, because they are your parents, not his. Meaning that having them there may be a big bonus for you, but for him he can take them or leave them, and that does not mean he is hostile or prejudiced, only just he has not developped strong bonds with them yet , has not had the way to appreciate them for the special persons that you know they are.... but that does not mean disrespect or ill will !
It is normal that now he wants to be the first person in your heart ( the second, actually, because your daughter comes first ) and he may be " reassuring " himself that having your parents so close will not interfere with the start and the fullness of your new life togethr.
You say you want to buy a multi family property, and give them a unit, and... I don't know in your culture, but in mine he is being really a good sport. Many, many husbands ( and wives ) would think that this is too close for comfort, and that marriage means cutting the apron string also by pshysical LOCATION; but he does not bat a lid- he says that as long as they don't want to live WITH you, he is fine and has got nothing against them and he is not concerned.
It sounds to me like you are disappointed that he just does not LOVE them, or having them around, same as you do, but you'd be asking a lot. These are YOUR parents, you have an attachment for them , a special bond,- really , as for now, there's no reason why he should feel like you and feel anything stronger than just formal respect.
Maybe in time there will be a warmer, closer bond between them ; or maybe not- which is perfectly fine too, as long as your future husband does not try to prevent you seeing them, living in the same building, or staying in Canada. Which apparently he is not dreaming to do.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (7 June 2016):
You can't marry a man your daughter doesn't know - that's irresponsible. Don't get married so soon, please, for your daughter's sake. There are so many things here about how hard it will be for him and how he doesn't even want to live in Canada, it doesn't sound like the right fit and your previous plan was to marry when your daughter had only just met him. The plan to wait 2 months is good, but you should extend it to 6, as 2 months could be honeymoon-like (heck, six months could!), but you need to have the appropriate papers for citizenship approved, have a job lined up, have a proper plan, not just him move over here and marry when your daughter hasn't even had a chance to get used to him - she needs months of getting to know him (with you present always, but putting no pressure on her to like him), not days or weeks.I know you didn't mean to overlook your daughter, but that's what your plan does - completely disregards how she will feel with her mum marrying a stranger (it takes several months to get to know people). As your ex, I wouldn't be comfortable with my child's stepfather being someone she barely knows; it's not fair to her or particularly safe.Please slow it down - you have big problems arising and you hope only 2 months will solve it, but it won't. Why hasn't he visited you before? Why has it always been in Europe? How long were those visits? Why has t he met your daughter yet? Why were you going to marry someone who is a stranger to your daughter?OP, I know you don't mean to and it's understandable, but you've let this get out of hand; things aren't planned very well, your daughter's feelings haven't been considered very high on the priority list (as you mainly wanted the 2 months for the problems to smooth out, which they won't that quickly) and, I know you're trying not to rush it, but that's exactly what 2 months is. It's too soon for your daughter to really get to know him (even if she thinks she likes him straight away, she'll be living with him for 11+ years, it's not to be handled as lightly as it has been - the main problem is not your ex, it's how your daughter feels.I'd like you to try to re-prioritise:1) daughter getting to know him for several months - she needs to come first2) thinking up solutions for the problems you and he have, in case your daughter does feel comfortable living with him after 6+ months of knowing him3) maybe try talking calmly to your ex about the issue he has with your partner, to see if there's something that can be done to remedy it. For example, as you were probably planning on doing, many parents marry again without the other parent meeting the person they're about to move in with their child. Not as important with older teens, but very important that parents feel comfortable with who their child will be living with. It's highly possible that he doesn't feel that having this guy live with you and your daughter is safe, as your daughter doesn't know him and he (her father) presumably doesn't either. Marrying someone before you know how they feel about your child and vice versa is a very bad idea.4) linked in with 2, as it's figuring out your parents' situation in a way you'd both be happy with, *if* your daughter is comfortable with him after 6+ months (no shorter, as feelings can develop and change a lot in 6 months, so it's important).Best of luck, OP!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2016): Modnote: part of below is a repeat of an earlier post. But some new information was added.--------------------------------------------------------I'm the Op- Thank you for your time. Let's clarify it. I'm not desperate to date anyone.I'm very attractive, even my friends suggest that why I'm not doing modeling. I am also educated and have a nice job and can live comfortably with my income. He is handsome and educated too and we know each other from many years ago in university. We dated for a year and wanted to get marry but it didn't happen, my fault, and we both got married trough arrangement. He has been in love with me forever and said it didn't matter anymore who I was marrying if it wasn't you , just tried to make parents happy. After 10 yeras I was going trough divorce when he found me. To make a long story short he got divorce for me. It has been all messy as my ex found out about him and his divorce for me. I was already in the process so I didn't get divorce for him but he did. He has done alot to make it work it cost him a lot. We have been together for 3 years. Talking chating every day and visited each other like 5 times in Europe. He is a nice guy and has been there for me all the time. He even doesn't like to move here but he is just doing it for me because I can't take my daughter back home otherwise I would be gone like a wind. He is well off and has a nice business there and will be even hard to start here. He has met my parents few times and they like each other. Just his obsession is concerning me. Today he said that I'm over sensetive and why he should have anything against them. But I'm still uneasy. I know his major problem with ex wife was her mother being too involved and basically was suffocating him. maybe that's the reason? I have few issues, first my daughter hasn't met him yet and I'm not sure how it will go. The main issue is my ex as he knows about him coming and saw my ring and treathening that if I marry him he will make a trouble. So in this situation we can't afford to have any problems between us as we will have other problems that will be pretty big enough. The plan is to get married when he is here in 2 months and I still suggested let's wait 2 months after he is here to make sure everything is smooth and not to rush.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2016): I'm the Op- Thank you for your time. Let's clarify it. I'm not desperate to date anyone.I'm very attractive, even my friends suggest that why I'm not doing modeling. I am also educated and have a nice job and can live comfortably with my income. He is handsome and educated too and we know each other from many years ago in university. We dated for a year and wanted to get marry but it didn't happen, my fault, and we both got married trough arrangement. He has been in love with me forever and said it didn't matter anymore who I was marrying it wasn't you , just tried to make parents happy. After 10 yeras I was going trough divorce when he found me. To make a long story short he got divorce for me. It has been all messy as my ex found out about him and his divorce for me. I was already in the process so I didn't get divorce for him but he did. He has done a lot to make it work, it cost him a lot. We have been together for 3 years. Talking chating every day and visited each other like 6 times in Europe for a week or more each time. He is a nice guy and has been there for me all the time. He even doesn't like to move here but he is just doing it for me because I can't take my daughter back home otherwise I would be gone like a wind. He is well off and has a nice business there and will be even hard to start here. He has met my parents few times and they like each other. Just his obsession is concerning me. Today he said that I'm over sensetive and why he should have anything against them. But I'm still uneasy. I know his major problem with ex wife was her mother being too involved and basically was suffocating him. maybe that's the reason?. I have few issues, first is my daughter hasn't met him yet and I'm not sure how it will go. The main issue is my ex as he knows about him coming and saw my ring and threatening that if I marry him he will make a trouble. So in this situation we can't afford to have any problems between us as we will have other problems that will be pretty big enough. The plan is to get married when he is here in 2 months and I still suggested let's wait 2 months after he is here to make sure everything is smooth and not to rush.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (6 June 2016):
Please can we clarify some things first?
How long have you known him? Where did you meet him? When are you getting married? How much time have you spent together in person? How does your child feel about him? Has he met your parents? How do they feel about him?
This all seems messy - your parents shouldn't need to live with you and him, but I'm concerned a little about the above questions.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2016): You are not overreacting.he is disrespectful and patriarchal. Are you sure he'll be a good match for you and your daughter? I have no idea where you are from and where he is from, but I have seen so many couples in a similar situation where one partner is in it for the papers/green card/visa/resident's card etc.He hasn't started living with you and already feels as if he had the right to dictate what you should do. Big. Red. Flag.You don't give any details, but a lot depends on how you two have met and what he has been like...Try to distance yourself from the problem. Look at yourself, are you convenient? Somebody who'll solve his problems? Were you lonely before you met him? Had difficulties meeting the right men? Do you feel inadequate in some ways? My ex bf works for the immigration service in the country I live. It's horrible what I am going to say and it's oversimplifying but he had seen literally hundreds of couples where a (nice looking) foreigner would be engaged or married to an unhealthy looking or ugly and/or insecure resident/citizen.It was always like that and so is nowadays too, people from poorer countries, politically unstable... would do anything to get to safer grounds. I am not judging them. But you should be careful. It's not just you, you have a seven year old DAUGHTER!
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