A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. I'm just looking for a bit of advice on my current situation. I broke up with my boyfriend over the weekend. We are/were at university together and had been going out for 5 months. During this time we have had lots of arguments, some minor and silly, some more serious. Problems have included his drinking, which although we are students is almost always past excessive, his issues involving his life and future (his course, whether uni is right for him, him feeling depressed etc), his lack of motivation/laziness, and recently he has starting online gambling. I broke up with him once a few months ago but we decided to give it another shot as it was over a silly argument and we clearly both had strong feelings for each other. Anyway, we had another fall-out and he decided that he thought we should leave eachother properly this time, as he couldn't see us in the long term future given all the arguments we have already had over a relatively short period of time. I agreed with him, but was still upset obviously. He said that he was feeling confused in lots of areas of his life and that he could tell that his worries were heavily being transferred to me and that it was ruining everything. Lots of arguments have been about him saying that I shouldn't get so worried about his problems as they are HIS and not MINE. I tried to tell him many times that I couldn't help it, it was because I cared, but he couldn't understand why I was so bothered. He decided he would leave university to go home, get a job over the summer, and try and get things a bit more back on track in his individual life. He's supposedly coming back to out uni next year as he has been accepted onto a different course. I have my summer exams in a few weeks.We cried and hugged eachother for 3 hours as we still both undeniably really care for eachother, and he told me he really wanted to stay in contact over the summer. At first I thought I wouldn't be able to do this and it would be too hard, but when I saw him to say goodbye before he went home, I felt strangely different in a way that I was concerned about him and really cared still, yet was more upset about saying bye to one of my best friends whose life I had been very involved in, than saying bye to our 'romantic' relationship. I was happy just hugging him, without feeling horrible at the thought of not being able to kiss him. I think this may because I feel our break-up at this time of our lives was inevitable given our past arguments and differences, and that I understood the reason behind it and know deep down it is probably for the best.I don't know what to do or think about us now he has gone. I miss him so much. He said that we both need to focus on ourselves more at the moment and I agree that we both need to feel happier within ourselves as individuals primarily first. He said, and I agree, that whatever will be will be and we will have to see what happens. He said he didn't want to hurt me but was just so confused in himself that he thought it best for us to be apart at least for the moment.Seeing as we are so young I do not want to just rule out the future altogether. I love him as a friend anyway and surely trying to maintain a friendship means that if we ARE meant to be together much further down the line, we will still be in a position to give things another shot. If we AREN'T then I will hopefully find someone I love more and am more well-matched with, yet still not have lost a best friend along the way. What do you think? I really liked lots about him, but there were big things in the way, mainly I think due to his insecurities and instablities in his individual life- perhaps not so much things that were to do with me which is what he said too. Perhaps that is just what I would like to think though, who knows. He said he felt different with me than at the start of our relationship, but that he was confused as to why given his confusion in some many other areas. I wonder if when we are older, things may work better between us. At the moment I feel that they are not right and that is giving me a sense of acceptance, but I don't want to lose him as a friend.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2010): It really isn't a matter about being "young." It's really a matter of values and morals. Some people just aren't compatible and even if he goes off and marries someone else or starts dating someone else, that is not an indication that something was wrong with you---your boyfriend new he life was out of order before he got involved with you and asked you to give him another chance....he is more concerned with partying, drinking and etc. If he is acting this way now in his 20's, he may not get any better as time goes on. By that age, people usually are who they are. Also, he may not be that into a relationship with you or anyone else for that matter. Some people just aren't meant to be together. He may well regret letting go of you, but I wouldn't wait around for him if I were you. You don't want your life to be a revolving door, you don't want him out here playing the field, dating others, starting relationships with others, while keeping you waiting in suspense, thinking that there will be a future. If you are going to give him a chance to get his act together, give it to him now and if he doesn't change, leave him and start preparing yourself for the man that God intended for you to have. You don't want to miss out on a great man, waiting around for him.
A
female
reader, Jenny2323  +, writes (5 May 2010):
I understand where your coming from. My ex wants to stay friends and I do too but I hope sometime in the future when he gets his life straight we can give it another shot, but i do have to agree with Tisha people grow apart and change. You may not be compatiable in a few years and may find someone else you really love. I wish I could take my own advice, it's easier said than done.
All in all, stay friends and if it is meant to be it will happen, just don't keep your hopes up as I am trying not to either.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 May 2010):
 You sound as though you're in a good place with this. Sad but not devastated and able to think pretty clearly about this. The problem of course is that no one know what the future holds, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't proceed with your plans.
I think you are right to try to stay friends, if you feel you can handle it. Keep in mind, he might just go and start seeing someone new, so you have to be prepared for that.
I had a very similar situation at about your age and honestly, we did intend to stay friends. It just happens that people grow apart. He met someone and ultimately got married. He let me know and while I was upset for a bit, I realized I didn't want him back, as we were incompatible.
I guess I just wanted to tell you that you've made a good decision and you'll be just fine. I look back on it and think of him mostly fondly, but I have to admit I am very happy we didn't make the mistake of staying together.
Best wishes for your future.
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