A
female
age
41-50,
*atnip
writes:I, like many grew up with a toxic family. My parents where not there and pretty much abandoned me. I have struggled alot of my life due to this but also the last few years I have done alot of work and had therapy on this. This has made things easier and better for me , although it's not perfect and i still struggle with insecurities, fear of abandonment and vert low self esteem. I would say that due to therapy etc i have made peace with things my parents did , i don't have a relationship with them but I feel less angry at them The other person in my life is my sister who I grew up with however she was a very toxic and bullying sister to me and has continued throuhh her life being like this. I cut her out many years ago. Other siblings have also done the same as they learnt what she was like. Now I do understand that she suffered as well and see why she turned out how she did. But some of the things she has done are so painful to me. She is the one person I struggled to talk about during therapy. I have been thinking lately why I still feel so stuck and wonder if it's because of this. My question is really about forgiveness, I can actually forgive my parents but forgiving my sister is very difficult. I just feel choked up when I even think about it. I don't wish her harm but I just can't seem to make peace with how she was.But is forgiveness the key , is that what helps and would help me move forward .
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2018): Forgiveness is necessary to free the soul from the chains of the past. It depends on your perception of what real forgiveness is.
Forgiveness doesn't mean you don't care about the sorrows or the pain someone has caused you. Withholding forgiveness is refusing to let-go of the pain that keeps you trapped. Your subconscious-mind is demanding someone be held accountable or punished. Forgiveness denies your transgressors the power to keep you trapped or immobilized by the pain they've caused you.
With and without therapy, we have to learn to leave the past behind us. We are living in the present. We heal from looking forward, starting over, and not looking back to be reminded. The mind was not designed to dwell on one thing.
We were not created or designed to live in the past.
If we carry it everywhere we go; it's not just what they did, it's more about your refusal to move on from it. A damaged and traumatized mind takes a long-time to heal. Even if you had physical wounds that have long-healed; the mind takes much longer to recover. It takes will and determination to overcome psychological-trauma; unless there is brain-damage. Then there may be medical limitations.
You can't turn-back time to do it over. Moving forward puts time and distance between you and what hurt you so much.
They may never say they're sorry, or apologize. They don't care. That doesn't mean you can't have your peace. You can't make them over, or magically reverse time. Even if you punished them; you can't reverse time, or what is already done.
The devil feeds on that bad energy, as we see it from a faith's point of view. We have to cast-out those demons that make slaves of us. If you worship, you do that through prayer and religious counseling; in conjunction with your therapy. It fills-in the gaps. It frees the soul and the spirit, allowing grief to subside; and giving the mind rest.
Not forgiving just keeps you stewing in resentment; thereby keeping those nasty mental wounds open and oozing.
When you forgive, you will start to forget with time; because the mind becomes centered on more than just your pain. You start to notice your blessings, want to do things, and realize what goodness there truly is in life.
If you see nothing but doom and gloom, that's living a lie. It's self-imprisonment; by refusing to move. Suspended in time. Unless you live in a war-zone, or in the middle of a famine in the desert; life can't be 100% misery. You can pretty much make it a personal-hell; if you live on anger and hatred for the people who did you wrong. It's the venom running in your veins that makes life tragic. Why you can't see the light, only the darkness. It takes will, to live.
Forgiveness can be declared directly to the person; or you can declare it to yourself. If you have a faith and worship; you can make it between you and your Creator. You don't have to go anywhere near the people who you know will hurt you.
If you want freedom, you forgive; and you never have to see those you forgive ever again.
You remove yourself from those who are mean-spirited and evil. You don't remain in their presence. You can still love them; but come to terms with the fact they may not know how to love you back. That's just the way it is sometimes. You can be related to people who don't care about you; and will be cruel to you. So you forgive them, move on, and have nothing more to do with them.
Life goes on. You make friends, and find love through others. You can seek something spiritual in your life. If you don't care to believe; then you'll have to find inner-peace through some other healthy means.
When evil people have to face their mortality; usually during a battle with cancer, or a chronic illness. Their evil lives comeback to haunt them. They began to worry about what will happen to their souls; and they revisit all the evil they've done. They grow old and lonely. People usually avoid them. Even their partners in crime! Who stays loyal to someone mean and nasty? Not even other mean people!
They are alone with no one to cry for them, no one to comfort them during their suffering; or to feel sorrow for their demise. Sometimes that's the point when they want to beg your forgiveness. So waiting for them to give you peace may never happen; so you find it through forgiveness. By seeking something good to replace that bitterness and to heal the wounds. By finding life somewhere away from the scene of the crime.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2018): Absolutely! If you feel choked up when you think about her, it could be why you feel so stuck. And yes, forgiveness could free you from the load of baggage you are carrying.
Asking yourself this question is possibly a sign that you are ready to face the difficult task of doing it. Consult with your therapist again and give it a try. Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (13 December 2018):
 I think that if you can find a way to forgive and accept then your mind/heart will be more at peace. It isn't easy to forgive someone that has hurt you very deeply but if you can someone let go of hurt/anger you will feel lighter and more free.
I speak of my own personal experience. I have always had a very turmultuous relationship with my mother. We are very different and my mother is the type that speaks first and thinks later. She's very outspoken to the point of being cruel. She has also done tons of things to me that have cut me so deeply and yet very seldom have I ever said anything back because its not my nature to say hurtful or cruel things even when the person might deserve it.
A few months ago my mother did something that truly pushed me over the edge and sadly it even involved my only sibling, my sister. Out of all the things my mother could have done, this was the straw that broke the camel's back. I called her up and told her how very hurt I was and couldn't believe how she could hurt me in such a manner when I always took her crap and never fought back. At first it felt kind of good but then I felt sad and guilty. The hurt/pain was just taking too much of my energy and making me feel almost sick inside.
So I (as the song says) let it go. I can't change what she did, I can't change my mother but I can choose how I decide to feel. She is my mother, I do love her even though I do not like many of the things she says or does or how she treats my sister and I. I can't walk around with that kind of weight and I refuse to. She is who she is and I don't have to live inside her head..she does. I accept what has happened and I have moved on.
As Honeypie says, it doesn't mean that I have forgotten but I chose to let it go. I don't need that kind of negative energy swirling around me. In the end, its what you chose to live with.
As I have preached for a long time...we don't get to chose our family. We can chose friends and partners, but not our family. Some people have very loving caring family and some of us don't. You cannot control anyone's action but your own.
Be well sweetie. I hope you can find the peace that you are searching for.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 December 2018):
 Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting. Forgiveness is (in this case) more for YOUR peace of mind that hers.
So yes, if you can, forgive her. Doesn't mean you HAVE to tell her that you have forgiven her, or even have anything to do with her, but think of it as an "acceptance" and understanding of WHY she acted/acts the way she does is HER childhood trauma and how SHE dealt with your parents abuse.
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