A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am 52and my common-law wife is 46. We had an amazing relationship for the first 15 years of out 17 together, with only 3 or 4 arguments. We had always put each other first, and love and respect were two aspects of a relationship we cherished. The relationship took a very unexpected turn 2 years ago, after she was offered a free 1 week trip to the Carribean. She decided she needed a holiday,(we both did at the time), and accepted, before telling me about it. Whether right or wrong, I was disappointed that she didn't feel it was necessary to discuss it, or see how I felt before she accepted. (We had not taken separate holidays before, or even been apart for more than a day, and this was fairly new ground for both of us.) The holiday was in two weeks, and she said she didn't know who else was going, and although she knew it was to a hotel that offered a nude beach, she lied and said it didn't. She later told me that 200 employees from the company were going. A couple of days later, and apparently because I didn't seem overjoyed for her and this great opportunity, she exploded in a fit of rage, told me she didn't want to be in a relationship with me, and talked to me in a tone I had never experienced with her before. Although I was warned by her mom in the first few years that she had a terrible temper, it hadn't been evident other than in one or two arguments in the 15 years, so it wasn't a problem. In the following two years, we have had 15 or twenty arguments, where her vile temper comes to the surface, and invariably turns a disagreement into a blowout. I am quite even tempered, and have always been the calm voice of reason when the two of us have disagreed. She admits afterwards to saying hateful awful comments to me, and insists she wouldn't do it again, as she knows the words she speaks aren't easily forgotten. We get along great for a month or three, and then her nasty temper appears again. It has become a very destructive element in our relationship. She had discussed going on a few trips, alone, since the first one, and seemed to be wanting more independence and freedom in the relationship, although when I asked if she wanted more freedom, she said she didn't. (I might add that when I was asked to accompany a male friend to Florida to deliver a boat, the thought of me going away without her was out of the question). A few months ago, in a fit of rage, she handed me back her engagement ring, and since then, I have wondered if I am even in a serious relationship, as she calls our relationship "just shacking up". I was quite shocked a few weeks ago when I saw her flirting quite openly with someone, she never had seemed that type, and I had always felt like I was the only one for her, and vice-versa. She seems to talk in a different tone now to other men. (I'm not the jealous type, and it's not just my imagination getting the better of me.) Our love life has gone from pretty amazing, to once a week or so, with the odd time more often. I feel like she doesn't really have any passion for the relationship, and she often says that she would be over me in a minute, if we ever split up. Although I believe comments like that would make just about anyone insecure, I invariably get blamed for being insecure, and her response is that my thoughts are my problem, not hers. The nasty comments over the past two years have taken its toll, and I am questioning whether this is just a temporary phase of our relationship, menopause rearing its vile head, or her feelings waning and her wanting out, but not telling me. If I try and talk to her about my feelings in a calm voice, she always loses her temper and screams how lucky I should feel, and that lots of men would love to be in my shoes. I don't want it to be over, as I am still madly in love with her. I value our relationship more than anything, but I don't know how many more nasty comments I can take. Tonight, after not making love in more than a week, and leaving a note saying she was looking forward to making love, she stayed up for two hours after I went to bed, and when she got to bed told me I was no Adonis, and curled up on the other side of the bed. For years, a disagreement would mean neither one of us sleeping much, but now she sleeps like a baby ten minutes after blowing up at me. I recall that poem..."If you love something, set it free..." , and although at times I feel that's what she wants, she insists it's all my imagination. As much as I try and forgive and forget the nasty talk, I have to admit, it's not easy. I wonder how someone who says they love you, can be so cruel with her words and comments. (Her sister told me her mom is exactly the same way.) I appreciate your opinions on all this, as sometimes it takes someone looking at it from the sideline to help make sense of things. Thank you for any comments and advice you may offer!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2012): Great answers so far! Thank you so much for taking the time to give me your thoughts on it. It's also nice having a male and female perspective on the situation. Thank you.
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (29 September 2012):
I'm not sure if you would want advice from a 26 year old good sir but I do find similarities in a previous relationship of mine. I think the things I will say will be somewhat obvious but then again, maybe not.
I think before this trip I guess she always just got what she wanted. I think anyone would not let their spouse go on a vacation alone and I can't help but think that there is something more was involved on her part (cheating?). It is a weird thing to see, when people KNOW that he/she is wrong, all that results is behaviour of an abusive tantrum. I usually avoid people like this, ie your wife, because there is no changing people like that.
I've been in a relationship where I thought, if I did everything "right", kept quiet and did whatever she said, we'd always be together and she will eventually come to her old self. At the time I couldn't see it but my most destructive action was lying to myself and allowing myself to be bullied.
Two years isn't a phase, it's reality. So reality of the situation is that she is taking you for granted. I suppose she can do or say whatever she wants and get away with it. There is no love in this so called relationship, and in fact she is right, that the two of you are only shacking up. Well I do understand that you love her, but hopefully you understand that it takes two loving and forgiving people to make a relationship last.
The worst part is, you do nothing but take it all. You don't even stand up for yourself or try to change anything. I am a man of reason like yourself but I will never let anyone put me down like that.
My advice would be to either leave her, or seek some professional help with marriage counselling and an expensive shrink for your wife. All the best and I hope something works out.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (29 September 2012):
 How common is the term "common law wife" and did you refer to her as that when she was wearing your engagement ring?
What happened here? For 15 years she showed no sign of the terrible temper her mother told you she had, the temper her sister says her mother has the same as, and the one you claim her sister has.
Why did this holiday of one week cause two years of bitterness, bad words and ill feeling? What words were said or actions committed to make her say the things she did and still has? Under what circumstances did she throw your engagement ring back at you (and if you were engaged why the hell aren't you married after 17 years?).
That holiday was the catalyst, I strongly recommend seeking professional counselling, as a couple would be preferred but if your common law wife wont go with you then go alone. You seriously need to sort out the bitterness and anger you hold for each other.
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