A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a bit of a complicated problem. I'm a 24 year old psychologist in-training (who apparently can't heed my own advice). My fiance is a 26 year-old unemployed high school teacher. I've been with my fiance for 4 years and 3 months (like 4 years, 5 months if you count the years we were dating with NSA). We've been engaged for about 2 years and are getting married in 18 months.I am head over heels in love with my fiance. He is awesome and so sweet. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve him. The issue though, is that I started dating him when I was very insecure and went for guys I knew were less attractive than me. Four years later, I have gained self-confidence and he has gained even more weight and lost much more hair. In short, I feel that I am too attractive for him sometimes. I still love him and we still connect through communication and we have great sex. But, I find myself thinking all the time (not when I am in bed with him or anything) about being with a more attractive man. The grass is greener, so to speak. I would consider myself a good-looking person who guys typically like and find attractive. I work out like three times a week, watch what I eat, I spend an hour sometimes on my hair and makeup, and constantly look for ways to make my face and body the best it could be. I don't think my fiance cares that much about his appearance. I actually think he's letting himself go by the wayside. Lately, hanging out with my single Sex and the City-esque best friends, I feel embarrassed of my s.o. When looking for guys on online dating sites, my friends are always telling each other "He's too ugly for you," etc. They basically look for the hottest guy to talk to and eventually fool around with.Me, sitting there listening to them and playing with my engagement ring, eventually ends up hating my life and my situation. It also makes me hate and resent my friends for being single and getting to sleep with really hot guys. I want to go out there and flirt with guys just to know I can attain them. But, I can't. I'm getting married. Lately, I've been flirting hardcore with this really attractive guy at work. We both have s.o.'s though, so we both know that the attraction is purely physical and nothing will ever come of it. But, I feel really guilty about it. I just feel like I get validation from a man who is more attractive than me thinking I'm attractive.I used to get hit on by guys all the time, even when I was in a relationship, but no one has liked me for a really long time and I feel like I lost something that used to be a huge part of me--like I lost my sexuality once I accepted my s.o.'s proposal.I have never cheated on my fiance, nor would I ever. However, it's been freaking me out that I think about being with other guys a lot. Sometimes I wish my fiance would lose 30 pounds and magically regain his hair so that he would be perfect in every way. Then I basically hate myself for days because I feel terrible about being so shallow. The other part of me hates myself for saying I'm ready to get married when I have never been single. I have jumped from relationship to relationship (4 total) consistently for 8 years with only breaks of maybe 4 months in between. Not only do I want to see if I could attain more attractive men, but I feel so sexually inexperienced, so the desire to sleep with other people is strong. I am pretty honest with my fiance about most of this (including the flirting). He realizes that I am very sexual and allows me to flirt with guys as long as there is nothing emotional or physical going on. Obviously getting his green light does not make me feel any better about it. He says there is nothing he can do about "taking better care of his body" (which is how I phrased it).He says there is no solution to our problem other than me accepting him for who he is and getting over myself. I agree with him, but I really don't know how to do this with glaring temptation, single whorish friends, and an underlying desire to be the best and have all the best things in life (job, money, education, happiness, PARTNER, etc.). It doesn't help that I sometimes feel bad about myself and have no one gorgeous telling me that I'm beautiful (which my fiance never does anyway). He tells me to leave and go seek everything I am looking for in a man, but he warns me that he won't be there if I decide to return to him. What do I do about feeling like this? Is there any hope for me and my situation? What can I do to save my relationship and give my fiance 100% instead of resenting him? I feel like I am severely mentally disturbed and delusional for feeling this way.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (17 January 2011):
 yeah be careful of the influence your friends are having over you, do you think they may be a bit jealous? or they just don't see that you fit in with them now coz they are still free but you're getting married, maybe its you that is distancing yourself from them coz you don't feel like you can relate to them now? they sound as if all they are interested in is men. maybe time to make some new friends too. more sensible ones to make you feel more grounded. the other items are all solvable: your BF can get a job and lose weight. but the hair-loss - your just gonna have to learn to live with! :)
xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys for all your help.
I don't usually feel like this all the time. The looks are something I tend to go to in my head when I can't pinpoint why I am unhappy.
I guess I've been upset about 2 things lately. One being my two best friends of 6 years treating me differently and drifting away from me once I got engaged and my fiance acting differently. He has been acting differently since being unemployed (now five months) and he's been very short with me and has a very short temper sometimes. I let him act that way because I know he's just upset about stuff, whatever..but it still gets to me.
The other thing with my friends was very fresh. I have been thinking about it in the last week or so, so spending more time with them to reconnect, only to have them talk about their exploits makes me even more upset--it's like they're pushing me even further away.
My fiance had a big rehashing of the subject. We talked about it last night. He said he didn't really care that I wanted have the urge to have sex with other guys, as long as I am not thinking about it 24-7. Also, he said he was disappointed in himself for gaining so much weight, which is why he's been hitting the gym as much as he can. (We joined a gym a few weeks ago, but I was worried he wouldn't go or wouldn't push himself).
He said he was fine with everything and then--sorry for the graphic--we made love pretty passionately (which is pretty uncharacteristic of him).
I've been really upset lately and we haven't really been physically affectionate with each other. After sex, I hugged him and realized that he really lost a lot of weight! I told him that I was really proud of him and that he looked really sexy.
I mean, its no fairy-tale ending, but in reality this is probably a bone to pick with my dumb friends and my insecurity. At least I feel better about my relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): "I feel that I am too attractive for him sometimes"
"glaring temptation, single whorish friends, and an underlying desire to be the best and have all the best things in life"
Do him a favor, and leave. Really, if you have this little respect for him, then get out of the relationship.
What you sound like is someone who likes the security of a relationship, but not the partner of the relationship.
Get counseling, work on yourself, and then find someone who accepts you, and who you accept.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): You should know that he probably can't get his lost hair back even if he tried. The treatments available today are barely effective at maintaining hair for more than a couple years let alone permanently growing back much of it. Some of them have worse side effect problems than the official literature would have you believe.
Hair transplants are can of worms. It is possible to get good work but these operations have left more men unhappy than happy over the years. You can easily spend a year researching and undestanding before you're ready to make any moves on this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): i find bald guys so sexy and attractive this is my type of guy
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2011): That's sad....I would like to have man who loves me as I am, not as I am look....and that happened to me...Don't do that, be honest with yourself and leave him alone.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (16 January 2011):
hi
as you are studying psychology you would make a great case study for yourself! you better than anyone should be able to work this out and get to the bottom of why you are so shallow!
some ideas though: you say you have not had a break really from serious relationships throughout your adult life, you seem to feel you have missed the chance to 'play the field', especially now your single girlfriends are seeming to have so much fun meeting guys and dating. are these new friends? and if so, did your dissatisfaction with your BF manifest itself at the same time as you started hanging around with them?
word of caution: when these girls meet good men and get engaged etc, they might not bother with you much any more. just a thought. coz they sound really shallow too
now you know perfectly well that being good looking doesn't mean shit, so try not to see handsomeness and a hot body as a worthwhile quality for a relationship, its just a nice bonus if you are lucky enough to find someone gorgeous who is a beautiful person too.
you said that you used to be insecure in the past, do you think you have gained confidence because you have felt secure in your relationship with an unattractive man? do you feel confident that your old insecurities would not come back if you go into a r.ship with a handsome man?
have you ever had your heartbroken? i ask because if you have, this may be the thing that makes you put up a barrier against your current boyfriend, using his weight and thinning hair as an alternate reason. OR if you have never had your hard broken by a good looking player who though THEY were too good for YOU, then this could be a reason why you are not appreciating your fiancé's love.
do you feel like having told your fiancé that you find his weight gain unacceptable and he is not doing anything to sort this out, does it make you feel like he doesn't care enough?
how long has he been unemployed? maybe this has changed his personality? do you think he is not doing enough to find another job? do you resent having to support him financially or at least resent that he cannot afford to treat you to nice things?
you met him while you were still very young and maybe your feelings about him have lessened just as part of a growing up process?
so on reading the title of your post i thought, aw that is just shallow but it seems that you have deeper reasons that you need to identify
xx
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 January 2011):
 What does "Im too attractive for him" mean? Does being attractive make you a great person? Does being attractive mean guys have better personalities? Actually, there appears to be a greater connection between attractiveness and egocentric. That's why I can't stand very attractive men. They typically know it all too well, it's gotten their heads all swollen up, and their IQ appears to have dropped as well simply from staring at their own reflection too much. Their personality ends up being so unattractive not even their 6-pack can weigh up for it. In fact I don't think I ever met a man with 6-pack who wasn't a complete ass. Just so you know. Take it as a warning from someone who's been at the dating scene lately while you were snuggled up at home with your fiancee.
So you're attractive. Great! I mean it, enjoy it! But I think you might have misunderstood a vital point: you being attractive is good for YOU, you finding yourself wonderful, gaining confidence, and courage, and taking pride in yourself is good for YOU! Do you get where Im going? Each time you look in the mirror now you can smile and be happy with how you look. Thats great! So... who cares what others think, you know you look great, and you should be happy about that. Why the need to have a hotter guy hanging at your sleeve? You don't need him to prove to yourself that you look great! Your attractiveness is not dependent on the attractiveness of your partner.
Don't treat yourself like some dish that needs to be served to the entire population, you're not a piece of meat. In other words: don't let your confidence get the best of your ego. Just because you're hot it doesn't mean you HAVE to go out there and bang some hot looking dude just because you can. It's not like they did anything to deserve you other than looking good themselves anyway.
The solution to your problem is to realize that there actually is no problem. You're attractive, as you have just realized. But you are still you, you're the one who wanted a relationship with your finacee, and he is still him, the one who wanted you. You haven't changed! You have only come to love yourself. Which is good as I said, but it bears no relevance on how many partners you should have, or who you should date. You as a person chose your man, your looks didn't think for you, so don't let them think for you now either. If you love yourself more now than before then I dare say you've grown to be a better person, and this should really only help make your relationship stronger. You seeing this as a problem is you rocking the boat.
If it helps explain how I mean, this reminds me a bit of when I realized I was bisexual. Suddenly I was scared of being with guys, as I thought what if I should actually be with a girl? And the curiosity got the better of me, so when I fell in love with a guy I didn't want to committ to him, simply because he was a guy. I entered a relationship with him on the grounds that I was allowed to get with a girl if I wanted to as well. Throughout our entire relationship I never got with any girl. I was allowed to, and I thought I wanted to, but it never happened. In the end I just wanted him anyways it seems. I mean to say: you think you might want chocolate when really you want vanilla. You just think you want chocolate, and you get so scared of committing to vanilla, fearing that you actually want chocolate. But the test of time is: how much did you actually eat of the chocolate?
If you leave your vanilla I fear all you'll want is vanilla.
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A
male
reader, faenon  +, writes (16 January 2011):
 His correct he accepts you for who you are and you need to do the same with him or stop wasting his time.
You need to wake up and realise what if's are a fools hope likewise with the grass is always greener on the otherside it isnt always your wishing to leave a longterm relationship due to just looks alone seems for your brains you haven't woken up to reality to realise beauty is only skin deep and looks do not last forever.
Highly superficial thinking to judge a book by the cover and the minute the cover is no longer attractive you want to throw it away, I think maybe your fiance made a bad choice choosing you as wife material if you are so easily put off because his lost some hair and gained a bit of weight.
Problem is your way of thinking there is no such creature as perfect even in a relationship adequate and good-enough yes perfect no. I thought by the time we all got to 21 we escaped that delusional world of perfect or perhaps some of us still take longer to grow up.
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A
female
reader, LeahVictoria +, writes (16 January 2011):
You really sound unhappy. The grass isn't greener the other side. You will have days where you don't want to be single & then wonder if you will ever meet someone. But will you regret staying when your unhappy. You don't get second chances in life. He can be a great guy but it still doesn't mean he's the one for you.
Do you really want to marry him? Do not do it if you have any doubts.
Don't be influenced by your friends. Think of yourself and do things for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2011): I must agree with the previous agony aunt. The grass is not greener. If you can find someone in life who loves you for who you are, you have great conversations and good sex. Keep them! You are not missing out on anything by not having sex with hot guys, these will be empty/ emotionleess encounters. If you really want your man to fitten up and get a job. Why don't you see if he will come walking/cycling/swimming with you? An activity he can do when he is overweight and still enjoy... soon he will slim down. Tell him you are looking after yourself for him and he should look after himself for you.Sounds like he need to get motivated. And have you ever seen a bald man who has shaved his head? It is SEXY ! :o) Good luck. I hope you make the best decision for you in your life.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (16 January 2011):
 There is an old saying which is " the grass is always greener on the other side ". Some people often venture to the other side where the grass is greener, but when they get there, and have indeed been there for a while, they then realise that the grass being greener on that other side was infact an illusion, and would have been better where they were. Unfortunately when they hop back over the fence they find that the life they had before is no longer there, leaving them with emptiness and regret. Think long and hard before making a harsh decision that you may later come to regret, because it will be a one way ticket.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2011): Your fiance could at least try and lose weight to make you happy. When my boyfriend gained a lot of weight (beer belly)I told him what I thought! I hinted about his weight gain then straight out said I found you more attractive when you weight less and I feel you lost your muscles. He took this on board and lost weight and now back to his slim self!
What I am getting at it seems your fiance does not care, he should be working to make himself look good for you. You do it for him, it should work both ways.
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