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anonymous
writes:I am 22 years old and I think I am suffering some sort of anti-social or parnaoia problem.All my life I have been a pessimist and kind of gloomy person but over the last year I have only began to realise just how bad.Its not as if I have a bad life - I have a good job, I am quite good looking and have a good family and health. Its just I never feel happy. I am constantly moaning and whinging at people and this is making me lose friends cos Im just horrible company.Im also very unapproachable. People dont really talk to me cos I never smile and have no patience with people. I hate people bothering me or talking to me. I just feel like I cant be bothered to talk.Ive also noticed that nothing interests me. I dont ever get excited about anything. I work all week then go out drinking with my friends at the weekend and thats all I seem to do. Im just not interested in anything else.I also have no confidence. I dont have any problems about my appearance but I just think that people dont like me and think im weird and talk about me behind my back. This makes it so difficult when im in a social situation as I dont really talk. I have also found it very difficult to speak to my best friends over the past few months and I dont know why. I literraly hate myself. I get so annoyed with myself and hate everything about my personality. I wish I could love myself and be bubbly and confident and happy but I just cant.Ive also noticed that Im very, very sensitive. Everyday something hurts me so much to the point of tears. Whether its something personal like an argument with a friend or nasty comment made towards myself, or something thats nothing to do with me like a news story about a hurt animal or murder.Another thing I do is slip off into daydreams all the time, either thinking about the past or just weird stuff. I sometimes get in trouble at work for this. I just wish I had a good, fun personality and great to be around. But when I try to be like that I end up looking weird or im too scared to even talk. I see girls everywhere who are so carefree and enjoying life but I cant be like that cos im constantly worrying about what people think of me.If any of you readers know why Im like this or have any self-esteem building and socialising tips, I would be very, very grateful. I feel like im wasting my life being like this.
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male
reader, Huey666  +, writes (24 February 2010):
p.s. the advice you should follow is not "just be confident". Better advice would be “just be successful” because success breeds confidence, and the respect of others :-) This may take time but it's worth it!
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reader, Huey666 +, writes (24 February 2010):
Hmmm, I know its usually a little different for girls, but I've been through pretty much exactly what you're describing, and I'm still going through it I guess (I'm a 25 year old guy).
I feel for you cos I've been there. But the only thing I can tell you is that time will sort this out for you. It will happen slowly but eventually you will feel comfortable in your own skin and you'll accept yourself the way you are. I know this because it's started to happen to me, very slowly, although I'm not there yet. And I know my mum is a very similar kind of person, but she has a great career and eventually found happiness. She told me this.
All you have to do is have a bit of faith and keep living. Once you're able to laugh at yourself you will know you're cured! It will happen, trust me. Just get back out there and have a bit of luck :-) xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2009): Social anxiety disorder? Maybe… maybe not. I am no Doctor so I can’t really say. I will tell you this though, you are not alone. My parents divorced when I was very young, my Mother hated men from there on in and my Father married a trophy wife. Mom constantly told me how much I was like him and my Father, well, he just wasn’t much of a Father figure. In just a few years after they separated, I pretty much became a hermit. I had only one friend all through grade school. A friend that constantly stole from me, insulted me, and embarrassed me in front of just about everyone. He also talked me into doing a lot of stupid things which was pretty easy to get me to do since I really had no self esteem. What a childhood I had! Eventually after getting caught enough times partaking in some real jack-ass stunts my Mom sent me away to live with my Dad. That was not a great time either. He had never really given any time to me unless I did something wrong.
There are so many stories I can tell but none of that matters now. We (as in those who have difficulty socializing) all have our stories and although the conditions that surround(ed) each of us are all very different we all ended up in a similar way. Just beginning to realize that most of this is not you fault is a good first step. It will not be resolved overnight however! I don’t care how smart you are, you can’t begin to imagine calculus if you cannot add and subtract first. So that’s where you should start… the basics.
I got a break here but that does not mean you can’t make it happen for yourself. I was in my early twenties and going nowhere fast. My brother, who is much older, and mostly unscathed of the effects of my dysfunctional parents, saw what was happening to me and asked me to come down and work with him. A good many hours away from home I should add. I had not realized it than but this was the fresh start I needed. I didn’t do much except for work in the first few months and eventually one of the guys at work, who was also from somewhere else, started to buddy up to me. I must have driven him crazy at first, we would go out to the bar and I would just sit there in almost complete silence. I was okay at work but bring me around a bunch of people and I would revert right back to the little kid who locked himself in his room all day. Joe, my buddy, was a freakin’ social butterfly on the other hand. What is funny about the whole thing though is that even though he said some pretty stupid things, he made friends and met girls. Joe was not judgmental and did not go off on futile tangents. All of which I did when and if I ever did say anything at all. The first step lies there people. So what if someone says something stupid and so what if you do too? Learn to laugh at yourself and don’t be so harsh on everyone else as well. Unless the world is going to come to an end, which it won’t, let it go! You might spend a few months, or as in my case years, just to learn how not to be a block of wood or even worse… the asshole.
The next step is a bit harder. How to actually be a little fun. I was actually living with my brother for the first few years down there. One day he got a job offer elsewhere so I now needed a place of my own. I had actually built myself up a little in those few years so I thought having an apartment in the downtown would give me plenty of options for things to do. I eventually found a local bar that had a pool table and started to learn how to play. Being the quiet guy and all I had plenty of time to play… and play I did. I got real good, real fast. Eventually I was able to hold the table for more than just a game or two and one of the guys on the local pool team took notice and asked me if I wanted to join the team. This is where I learned the art of communication. They were a bunch of guys in their late twenties and early thirties. They had mostly known each other for years and this was their bar so they never had their guard up, at least with me. I really watched these guys handle themselves. They knew how to talk to girls. They knew how to enjoy themselves. They knew when it was okay to give each other grief and when it wasn’t. Sometimes they got it wrong too. I treated this time like I was taking a class. I imitated what I thought worked and avoided material that didn’t. Don’t worry if some of it is bullshit, which most of it is. Eventually it will all meld together and become your own. With a little effort to start and whole lot of patience to follow, you CAN learn to enjoy yourself and others too.
Good luck! I hope this helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2009): I have the same problem. Im shy, cant spell and have problems talking to people. I would try to talk to a psychologists.
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reader, not sure howi got here  +, writes (20 September 2008):
well, i am the same way...maybe not unhappy all the time but im not really sociable. have you ever read about depression? i suffer from that! that is what i blame for the way i am! i do take medicine for it which helps for the most part but i do have my days...like today! you might want to consult your doctor. it just a thought. good luck out there. try to keep your head up and think positive.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust wanna say thanx to all of you who responded - although my situation has not changed 2 years on. I did see my doctor and he said he thinks I have depression which I am on moedication for, but deep down I also believe like many of you that what Im really suffering from is a mental disorder, perhaps one that has not even been discovered yet. The antidepressants have helped in a sense that I can get out of bed and not feel dread at the thought of going to work. They get me through te day basically. But when it comes to social situations I am exactly the same as I was 2 years ago, only now its getting worse as I have started seeing someone I like alot but cant think of anything to say to him when we meet up. So he will probably get bored soon. The poster of April 5th 2008 reply, I would say from what you have written that I can relate to you in almost every way. My father and mother had a very rocky relationship and growing up in my household was not the happiest of times. And I too feel that there is an invisible barrier in my life stopping me from being who I want to be. From researching on the net, I have learnt that cognitive therapy may help and this is what I am going to try next. I hope we can find an answer to what this really is. I am very relieved at all of you who replied to my question, it shows that I am not the only person suffering.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2008): I checked the date of you post to see how relevant the topic still was chronologically, and then I see that the most recent post was from two days ago.
I have to say I fully agree with you, on an almost frighteningly similar level.
I am 22, starting college part time and working a decent paying full time job with a fiance and a cozy apartment in a nice area of a nice city of a nice state in a country (that for all its political & financial woes)that's, well...fairly nice.
For the most part, I just feel like the people I'm around are either too young or too old, and all together too ignorant about anything I care about, and me vice versa.
I mean I'm sorry but I just don't see the usefulness in a conversation about lip gloss and what store has best top that complements the like totally hot eyeshadow you just got...(Verbatim;a conversation I've heard at work on break between a couple of 24 year olds.)
There are people here and there usually guys, around 29-32, and connect with them to the point of having a fairly decent friendship. As it stands though, only one of those is a pretty good friend. We don't hang out outside of work though.
In fact, I don't go out. I've been to a club once in my life. It's just not a scene I've ever been interested in very much.
And yet in a company where it seems every thing's about who you know, not what you know, I feel stuck.
I'm sorry I don't want to run with the seemingly mindless wannabe-again-7th graders, but I'm sick of being so un-social, and yet I'm scared to 'run with the big dogs' as it were.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2008): I was surfing the internet tonight to find some kind of answer as to why Im feeling the way I am, why I am so unhappy with my life and constantly depressed and emotional. I came accross your letter and it was almost as if I wrote it myself. I almost cried when I read it because I didnt believe there were other people out there like me.. based on the number of replies you have Im beginning to think that what we have is a mental disorder, maybe just one that hasnt been discovered yet??? Everything in your letter really hit home. Lately my problem hasnt gotten a lot worse than usual. I recently lost my job because my head is up in the clouds too much and I cant focus, and really cant be bothered. I don't really care about anyone or anything, Im lazy and when I get home all I want to do is sleep and my relationship with my boyfriend is really going down the drains because of my attitude (which I usually blame on him) I get jelous very easily of other people and I feel like my life absolutely sucks when I know deep down it doesnt.I have a house, a hard working boyfriend, a new car... Im having trouble keeping in touch with my old friends for the last 4 years, to be honest I don't really care or try to keep in contact with them... I couldnt be bothered. I also have the same social problems. When Im in a group of people I don't know all I can think about is myself, what they think of me, will I say something completely stupid? so I just don't talk, I dont want to talk just to avoid looking like an idiot.I absolutely despise going to public outings because I dont want to meet anybody new... Im not snobby... Im actually a very nice person, I really dont know why I am the way I am... I also am a good looking girl. I have a slim body and often get a lot of comments on how good I look but I'm still very self consious.Im always worrying about getting fat and always trying the newest diet to see if I can lose 5 or 10 pounds. I will not leave the house unless my makeup is completely done and my hair is perfected. I must look in the mirror at least 2 hours or more every day. What I dont know is if I look so good why am I always worried about what other people think? I also have the same not smiling issue and being very unapproachable. I also don't get excited about anything. When I go to my in laws house and they tell me something they find exciting I will pretend im interested but to be honest, I really don't care about anything. People will somewhat attempt to approach me and try to make small talk but I will only reply with close ended responses... I try to be talkative but I just cant. I let people walk all over me and it drived me crazy...I had a hard child hood.. I left my parents 5 years ago because my dad would sometimes get drunk and come home and hit my mom and he was a realy jerk to me.. they were very controlling with me and really wouldnt let me be a kid when I was young. Im thinking this may be a reason I am the way I am today. I want to be different... I want to be active and happy and enjoy my life but there is a barrier I cant get past... I dont know how to solve it and nobody understands it... it is ruining my life and preventing me from living life to the fullest... I dont want to die knowing that my whole life all I did was worry about what other people think. This is a disorder and I know I need help... I dont have the money for a psychiatrist, and I dont know what to do, can anybody help me... I feel like Im wasting my life?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2008): I'm 13 and I'm in the ALMOST EXACT same position.My mum wants me to be more independent but,like my dad,I cannot socialise in every single situation,and from what I gather from reading these other posts I can be slightly depressed because of a genetic trait that has passed down through my mum's side of the family.I even find it hard to strike up a conversation with some of my friends,mainly because I am so quiet normally that when I finally do speak,some people just basically ignore me and carry on talking to the person that I was talking to,therefore steering the attention away from me for the hundredth time.(Even my family does it!)I can only normally reveal my true colours on the Internet or basically when I am not talking to someone face to face.I'm thankful that there are other people just like me,and I feel better now I've written all this down.I'm sure it's made you feel better too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2007): I am a 27 year old girl and I feel exactly the same way. From the about the age of 9-10 I realized that people see the person that I do not think I am. Like they all believed that I am a very kind nanny as I always attracted kids, but I hated that. Not that I did not like kids or was not kind, but I wanted to be the smart girl that is with adults and not kids.I grew up and every thing was fine in school, well most often and not always and in college I was a kind of popular girl or I think I was, but I was rarely invited to a party. I was not any worried then as I had my folks and I was one of those who every one wants to be like.But my problem was that in the family nobody looked at me that way. I was an adult but I was rarely part of adults conversation. I was always mute or otherwise wiered. I also find it difficult to talk to people and most often I think that whatever I say is stupid. Not that I am not smart, I am a PhD candidate in an Ivy league university, with relatively good achievements and probably a good career ahead, but life is not all about accomplishments.I also want to be more fun to be around. I want people to know I am a nice person to talk to, but everyone apparently avoids me! I feel anxious when I talk to people and I start to sweat. I just want to enjoy the person that I am, but I can't!I wish that you find a good solution, but be aware that you are not alone!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2007): hi id just like to say that im 15 and i feel exactly the same. When im with my clostest friends i can be myself but it upsets me that i havnt got as many boy friends and big groups of friends as any one else and when i think of social situations such as partys i feel sick and scared to the point of tears as i feel i will have nothing interesting or funny to say to anyone and i wont be as funny or cool as anyone there so ill just b sitting by myself all night. Has anyone got any suggestions because at the moment, the thought of goin to uni makes me not want to live anymore. please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2007): Hello, My name is kevin, from Ireland, (19), I think going to church everyweek or as often as you can, as you will benefit it so so much, meeting new people, talking in public by saying prayers and reading along with the priest and singing songs of praise, also you will be phisically making contact with people when you go to the alter to get your communion bread. People will start to be fimiliar with you each week, and you can say "hi" to so many people and not feel uncomfortable.Hope this helps, even if your not catholic, you will still benefit from any religous gathering.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2007): You have to be yourself and to like yourself. you have to give up on what everyone thinks everyone goes through this at one time or another and is always an issue just people hide it or are to busy in life to woorry about it. It does help to stay busy or to find the things you like to do and do it not just think about it. You have to be more possitive also. If you wait around for something it wiil not come around but you have to make it happen. Be a little agressive on that everything else will pan out if you also treat people as if you wnated to be treated and gain peoples respect also. Just a few things I go by. I am no social buutterfly but the friends that stand behind you no matter what are true friends
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007): Hi
This is very strange. You sound EXACTLY like myself. I'm 23 and have just started a PhD in biology which i was very lucky to get. I'm quite happy with my looks....but i do get that exact feeling you are talking about. That sense that people are looking at you thinking she's weird, or boring or maybe even just that they have pre-judged you and decided they didn't like you.
I had to go to a 'socialising event' last night with fellow scientific peers and i just hated every second. I felt like i didn't want to speak to most people- like a combination of i couldn't be bothered to make conversation mixed with fear of making myself look like a prat. I find myself drifting off into daydreams all the time, and i definately have the sensitivity thing. I cry most days, for any reason at all that might upset me.
I'm so sick of being this way. I probably noticed it when i first joined uni but i can't work out what it is exactly. If i'm with people i like, or know well, i'm an extremely bubbly, happy person. As soon as i'm in a situation which isn't ideal (i.e. having to talk to people i wouldn't normally speak to) i just go so inside myself. But it doesn't feel like shyness although i am self concious.
I don't know if you ever sorted your problem out. Please drop me a mail if you can shed any light on this social disease of ours... v dot j dot ord at ncl dot ac dot uk
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2007): Hi, I just wanted to wish you luck in your journey and give a bit of support. I can relate also with alot of your feelings, I have hope in you that you can change what it is about you that you would like. I call these kinds of thoughts "Divine discontent" because you know that you are going towards a great process of change soon for the positive, because you are recognizing all the negatives that you are ready to change next. It's a good thing, you're just at an uncomfortable stage. But all your wishes will come to pass if you hang on. And you will be greatful for the challenge and the progress. I know what it's like to feel hurt by others, but remember, if they hurt, they're not as good as you, who loves. So come out of yourself and give of your love to others like you and me who need it. God speed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2007): I am a lot older than you but basically looking back over the years have been very much like you. I would say that you are suffering from depression. I have ongoing medication for what is termed as mild depression in that the condition does not stop me from functioning on a daily basis.
I like you have always been a pessimist. I have learned not to voice my more sombre thoughts as I have grown to understand myself. I would love to be more sociable and like you can't always be bothered with people and so turn the phone off etc. I must say though that people don't see me as unsociable as such because when I do go out I am usually the centre of the party and don't need a drink to enjoy myself but find it really hard to socialise more than infrequently. I wish that I could go out more and not refuse invitations but I am what I am and only I can change. If I were you I would see your GP and I definitely would consider therapist but if the therapist does not help then that is not the one for you and ask to see another. Don't let it go on any longer or it will definitely become a habit and your lifes pattern. You can change but you have to start now. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2007): A really simple way to be happier and more confident:
At the beggining of the day, write down three things that you are looking forward to about that day.
At the end of the day, write down three things that you liked about that day.
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