A
male
age
41-50,
*assman
writes:Hello,So I'm 28 and my girlfriend is 24 and we've been together for just over 2 years. Throughout the relationship I had the upper hand and as I reflect on it she has definately put in more effort. Approximately a month ago we got into a stupid argument over nothing and I told her that I wanted a break and this hurt her. I didn't mean my words but said it anyways because I was upset. The next day I told her that I didn't mean it. She was obviously upset and told me that she was hurt... She went on to say that she feels as though she has put in 110% of effort into the relationship over the past 2 years and that I have not. She told me that I never show her affection, kiss her, or tell that I love her enough. Also, over the past year she has been trying to move in with me and I just wasn't ready for that. The last time she asked me to move in was about 2 months ago and I said no. I have told her a couple other times in the past that I wanted a break but didn't mean it..Since I told her that I wanted a break, which I didn't mean, she's been distant and hanging out with her friends. Over the past two years I was her number one priority and now I'm not. This has made me realize how much I love her and what I will do to make her happy and keep her. After thinking the matter over I told her that I wanted her to move in. She was taken back by this because I was so against it before. I explained to her that I was ready to take the next step by letting her move in. I told her that I was ready to give her everything she needs i.e. love and effection. She responded by saying that she wasn't sure if she wanted to move in now because she thinks I only want her to move in because of our fight. I explained to her that the arguement that we had made me realize what I had and want to show her how much I appreciate her. I told her that I have been taken her for granted and want to show her what she means to me. Since this conversation she has continued to be more distant and hang out with friends more. She continues to be more distant and appear to be less intersted. When I asked her about it she has told me she is so in love with me but I hurt her so she is trying to hang out with friends who make her happy. Over the last several weeks I have been depressed, lost my appetite and cannot sleep at night and I just don't know what to do.So last night I went to her house to talk. I explained my feelings to her and asked her what she wanted. She basically said that she is in love with me, but doesn't want to move in now because she thinks I only want her to move in because of the fight. She told me that she has been trying to just forget what happened and proceed with our relationship but it's been hard, this is why she has been so distant. When I asked her if she wanted to break up she said no. when I asked her if she wanted space or a break she said she didn't know. So i suggested I would give her some space, i.e. less texts, calls and visits, so she can clear her head. It's just really hard for me now. We left each other last night by saying I love you with a kiss. After I left she text me and say she's sorry im upset she loves me and always has. So basically we're "together" but I'm just giving her space to think things out.I'm currently really depressed and don't know what to do. I wish I could just make things right and show her what she means to me. Any suggestions or input would be a great help. Thanks.
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male
reader, Massman +, writes (20 January 2010):
Massman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just wanna thank everyone who responded... I just wanted to update you... Tonight I found my girlfriend alone at a mutual friends house with the lights off.. I had suspected something was going on between them for the past 3 weeks... learn from this that YOU MUST TRUST YOUR INSTINCT!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2010): I agree with female anon, you need to show her some action! You also need to make and keep a promise to her that you will never break up with her again during an argument. That sort of thing totally breaks trust in a relationship and causes some sever insecurities on her part...just think if you couldn't speak your mind and voice your opinion for fear that she will turn and walk out on you. A commitment means you stick it out and stand by her side even when you want to walk.
Now get off your lazy pitiful ass and buy her some flowers and write her a poem!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2010): She obviously loves you, but doesn't want to be hurt again. "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." You need to be the one making the sacrifice now, and you need to take responsibility for how you have treated her before. You said " I want to show her how much you appreciate her. I told her that I have been taken her for granted and want to show her what she means to me." At this point you are STILL ONLY TALKING! Get off your lazy ass and SHOW her. PROOVE to her how much she means to you, and that you are not a lazy-good for nothing taker-not-giver. Write her a letter that says something along the lines of: "you don't have to reply to any of this until you are ready, but I will woo you everyday to show you how much I love you and care about you." Now, everyday: Mail her a letter with a poem, or an excerpt from a book you like. Draw her a picture (or stick figure) of things you enjoy doing together and post it on her door (even for her roommates to see to show that you are not ashamed of exclaiming your love.) Occasional flowers would be nice - but go for the potted plants instead of bouquets because they are longer lasting. When she is out of the house, figure it out with her roommates and then leave cotton candy on her desk. Leave her notes hidden in her socks about things she's done for you that you really appreciated. Make her a scavender hunt around the town and then at the end of the scavender hunt have a box of chocolates and a romantic movie with a note "I want to grow old with you." There are a million ways to be creative here! Burn her a mix CD. Record yourself singing your favorite song and then email it to her. Bake her a cake. Even if you have a small budget, it is not money that matters, but the time you spend on her. If you have some money to spend, buy her a massage. Try to avoid txt/email because that's too easy. If you can do this every single day I guarantee you she will turn around. (At least before the two yeras that she's been nice to you!) But the point of this is - a good relationship means constantly being creative for each other. After she comes back to you, you need to keep doing little things like that. Maybe not everyday (and they might along the lines of taking out the trash, etc.), but it's the little things that make or break your day, and they will make or break your relationship. If you don't take an initiative she might come back to you, but you will loose any chemistry and she will always feel like you are not trying enough. Stop being depressed and self-pitiful. You need to be vulnerable here, and SHOW (not tell) her how much she means to you, and you need to start right away.
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A
female
reader, LibertarianLou  +, writes (19 January 2010):
If you love her you have to just be patient. She has been patient with you by the sound of things for the past two years. Now it's your turn.
I think she's very smart and doing the right thing. If you've been against moving in for two years but suddenly changed your mind, I would be cautious about the motives. How does she know, for example, that you won't change your mind back? And she also doesn't want you to do something that isn't right for you - because she loves you that much. Also she probably doesn't want you to resent her down the line.
If she really didn't want to move in, would you still want to, or would be fine with that? Because if it's the latter, you're doing it for her, not because you want to. When it comes to something as big as moving in, I can see why she's cautious about that.
Be patient and gain her trust etc again.
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