A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is without a question the hairiest and most complicated relationship issue I have ever even heard of, much less been involved in. I have known my ex for 9 years. He was my high school sweetheart, and we dated for 2 years in high school, and remained the best of friends throughout. We graduated and I left for college in another state. We remained good friends, talking on the phone and e-mailing each other. He was never anything but supportive and loving towards me. I returned to our home city, where he still lives. We began hanging out again, and it became apparent to us both that we were still in love with each other. Our relationship was absolutely wonderful, lasting 1 1/2 years this time. He is intelligent, kind, creative, loving, respectful, attractive, and is the love of my life. I can't imagine what life would be like without his love, or at least his friendship. He has finished his bachelors (I am almost done with mine, but not quite.) and is working on his masters’ degree. My ex has always been a very spiritual and religious person, something that I admire about him very much, as it shows conviction. Problem, I am Buddhist and he is Eastern Orthodox. While I am fairly devoted to my faith, he is and always has been more passionate about his faith. In October of this year, he confessed to me that he felt called to the priesthood. In the Orthodox Church, priests are not celibate, but there are monastic priests who are. The non-celibate priests are only allowed to marry a woman who is also Eastern Orthodox, and her role in the church is very involved as well, as the priest's wife. He told me that he still loved me, and that he was very upset to have to hurt me in that way. He knew/knows how I feel about him - I was even planning to propose to him this New Year's eve. Back to our conversation - I told my ex that I loved him enough to let him pursue the priesthood if that is what made him happiest, but that I couldn't convert to a faith that I don't believe in, or sacrifice my own goals (law school, private practice) in order to be with him. The role of the Orthodox priest's wife is a very constrictive one, not conducive to my feminist beliefs or the future I dream of for myself. We were both absolutely devastated by this, crying together and saying how much we still loved each other. The way I feel for him has always been unconditional, even though it breaks my heart. Skip forward. I didn't contact him for 4 months, because I knew continued contact with him would only make the pain worse for both of us. I even began dating another man, even though the relationship felt hollow, and I was only trying to make myself feel better. The ache in my heart every time I think about him (still very often) has not even been lessened at all by the time and separation. If anything, it has intensified. I have begun to realize that he was the only person I have ever met or been with who I feel truly understands or loves me the way that I need in order to be happy. I have even been objective in my self-analysis – whether I am missing him, or the idea of him, fiction or reality, and I come up with this every time. I am completely preoccupied with thoughts of him, to the exclusion of all else. I cannot even casually date others any more, or have sex with another partner, because it feels like I am cheating on him. I began talking to him about 3 weeks ago, initially sending him an e-mail telling him exactly how I feel. He responded, and says that he still loves me too, and would like to be in my life as a friend again. He even calls me to “say hi”, tell me happy birthday, ask how my day is going… He even signs his e-mails, ‘Love, ****’. I have seen him a few times, even meeting for dinner once. It went well, but only served to remind me how much I love him, and how empty my life feels without him. My life, in actuality, is far from empty, with a successful career, friends, and a scholarship to law school, but it seems so meaningless now, as this was work I was doing to build a future for us together. Here is my question: he has been acting in ways that lead me to believe that he may be slowly changing his mind about his vocation. His words, actions, and pastimes are not stereotypically priestly (hanging out at pool halls with guy friends, buying a motorcycle, listening to metal), and I think that he may be rethinking his choice. I want him so badly! It just kills me to think that I cannot have what I so desperately want! I haven't even had a sex drive at all since we broke up, and have no desire to try dating again. Heck - I may become a nun. What I want to do is to keep inviting him to do things with me "as friends" and see if I can’t possibly push him in that direction. Maybe even to try to re-seduce him. Maybe by spending time with me again, he will see what he would be missing out on otherwise. I mean, he even still flirts with me! It is just not fair for him to do this – he must know how badly I want him, and when he does that it is excruciating. I want to respect his vocation, so I have not succumbed to temptation and jumped his sexy ass, although his sometimes-flirtatious attitude with me is absolutely killing me. How can he do that if he wants to be a priest?!?!?! WTF!! What do I do? I love him so much and I just can't let him go! He even says that he still loves me - how is it possible for him not to want this as badly as I do? The phrase one of my girlfriends used when I was talking about trying to win him back was "emotional suicide". Do you think this is true? It has been six months since we broke up, and it has not gotten better, if anything, it has gotten worse. I cry every time I think about not being with him, and I still have vivid dreams about him. I know one thing for sure - I will not love anyone else like I love him ever again. It makes me wonder why I even bother trying to build this life for myself, if it is destined to be empty. Advice!! Please!!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2007): Sorry to say this but i think patience is the key. If you want to wait and see how things go, and hope that somewhere along the line he may change his mind. Keep on doing what you are doing, keep up the studying, you have a future, even if it may be without him. Personally, i think i would of tried to walk away 6 months ago and let him get on with it. Not what you want to hear but i do think you deserve better. You are working hard, and you thought this was going to be something that the two of you were going to share and it isn't. You will love someone else in time, you just haven't given yourself any time and space away from him to get your head right. You will see that in time spent apart you will be able to build a life without him. But if you keep having him bounce in and out of your life then you will never get over him. I hope this answer is ok. When it comes to two different religions then that can make life very hard but if you stick by what you believe then you will be ok. Take care and keep in touch and let me know what you think.
xx
A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (20 March 2007):
To have a successful relationship, love is required. But there are lots of other elements required too. If love is the only thing you have, that does not mean you will have a successful relationship or an unsuccesful relationship, it just means you love someone. The success or failure really rests on things other than love. Such as having a common path. Making choices that include one another. Modes of behaviour that are integrous with your relationship. You do not have these things, and until you do, you will not have a successful relationship. There is only so much you can do to make this happen, the rest is up to your other half and what he wants, and you have to live by those outcomes, you cannot control those.
I would encourage you to reflect on 2 things. The one is choice, the other is the nature of love.
Your story shows that you have both made choices to the exclusion of the other. He has chosen to become a priest at the expense of your relationship, based on the fact that you have made a choice that you cannot be a priests wife. You both understand the implications of your choices. This seems to me that you may have different paths to go down this life time. If he changes his mind about becoming a priest, you will both be in a position to reconsider, but it is not in your interests to put your life on pause waiting for the day he comes round. That day may never happen, and it is not an authentic way to live life. If someone else makes a choice that excludes you, you will have no option but to accept that, we cannot control other people's choices, and you cannot have a successful relationship with someone who chooses something to the exclusion of the relationship, or who puts the relationship second.
The second thing is about love. You do love him, but this love is over-ridden with attachment. You don't love him unconditionally, you want him!! You want him to be all yours. And there is nothing wrong with that, just recognise what it is. It is attachment. If you can learn to love him, and let go of the attachment, let him go to live his own life in a way that is right for him, you are truly showing him the unconditional love he deserves.
If he has made a choice to do something which excludes you from having a relationship with him, I would advise you to focus your love inward rather than towards him. It is not that he is not deserving, but you are unhappy, and you need to be happy and love yourself before you can share your love in the world. As a Buddhist, you should be very familiar with these ideas. I suspect that this crisis you are facing in your life is more spiritual in nature than you may be aware of. I would advise you to spend time reflecting on the true nature of love, what it means for your behaviour to him, and what it means to the energy and love you give yourself. If you have any further questions to ask in this regard and you think I might be able to help, feel free to ask me in a message.
Good luck.
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