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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: My ex and I have been mostly together for over two years, we met and fell in love on sight, we live 1100 miles apart, we are both 22 and finishing school. We did the long distance thing for about 6 months. It went very well, we were incredibly in love things were good and there was an incredible passionate bond between us. I ended up moving in with him temporarily for about 8 months.We had major problems at first, we were totally in love, but I was his first everything and it was scary for him, he made mistakes in the way he treated me. due to this, I became very controlling, pushy,jealous and angry, though I treated him like this, he continued being there for me...he was a trooper through it all and was so good to me even though I was acting like a monster. Finally, he ended things, we still talked, though it was strained. A few months after the break up I went to visit him for a month. We had great conversations and worked through many of our problems, he told me that he wanted to work things out but we need to see if our problems would still be ok once we resumed talking long distance... at first things went fine though quickly, my negativity got the best of me and I started picking fights, panicking, pushing him to be with me,etc. He began calling less and made it clear that he was in love with me, but was very afraid of being together and having all the same problems again. I asked for some space to get my self together, I called after a month and even though I thought I had changed, I immediately freaked out when he didn't answer right away and called him all day until he did, I told him I was having a lot of problems and he was understanding and told me though he missed me, it was nice to get away from the constant fighting, he told me it was hard to see a time when he wouldnt be so afraid of our relationship then he asked me for some time, and to trust that he would call when he had more time to talk about things...I began going to counseling to help my issues, I feel like a new person.He is meant to call soon and I am terrified that I have pushed him too far again. my questions are how do I begin to show him the changes I am making in my life?.Is it possible to start working things out when all you have is a phone for a while? Is it possible to build a relationship back up? I also sit and fret that in asking for his space he is trying to tell me something bad...do people really take space and have it be good for a relationship?. Some advice please?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (7 January 2007):
Perspective is a powerful tool. If you were only given 2 bowls of rice to eat every day for a week, that would piss you off, but if you are starving and dying of hunger, you would be truely grateful. The trick is to adjust the things you want and desire, based on what is really important.
In your case, your relationship has caused some damage to both of you, and you are both taking time to heal and improve yourselves. That is most important, your individual healthy state of mind and wellbeing. Without this, a relationship is not possible long term.
You have been able to admit things you did wrong in the relationship, which is good, and you show good insight in the dynamics of the relationship. You also show a great deal of caring for him and wisdom in taking responsibility yourself, and not blaming him. You have given yourselves the best chance at a relationship. That is the most you can do, and it is the most important thing, that you have started to take the right path.
Have you pushed him too far? Only he can say.
Is it possible to work it all out from here? Yes and no.
Even over the phone? Yes
Is is possible to build a relationship back up? Yes
Do people take space and have it be good for the relationship? Sometimes yes, sometimes no.
So, what action do you take - you ask how you can show him the changes? Be honest. Tell him how you feel.
Tell him things that you have written here:
1. Tell him you have been mean, made mistakes, freaked out, behaved badly. Whatever you want to take responsibility for.
2. Tell him that you did not want to be like that, so you have taken councelling to grow and learn and deal with some of your issues. Tell him people can change if they want to, and that you do want to, and that you have taken steps to make a positive change in your life so that you can have better relationships.
3. Tell him that you understand his fears due to your past behaivour, and that you understand he doesn't want to be in a relationship with constant fighting, or with you treating him badly.
4. If you love him, tell him.
5. Ask him what he wants, and as long as it is reasonable, give it to him. Earn his trust again. If you want him to want the relationship, you have to make him like the relationship, obviously. So long as you are still being yourself. If he is a nice guy, he won't use you, but it might be nice to give him some strength in the relationship if you have taken it away from him. If he wants space, give him space. Maybe discuss how you both think you should move forward. Feel free to have your opinion, but keep in mind that at this stage you are trying to win his trust in the relationship back.
Above all, don't lose perspective. What I mean is, you need to accept that this relationship may not last. Long distance relationships are hard enough as it is, and when you have problems you have to work through, it makes it harder. But that doesn't change a thing. All that matters is that you are happy in yourself, in who you are and who you choose to become. If your relationship does not last but you go on to become a great, happy person, and lead a great, happy life, it will be a small price to pay. And while you are in love, and still in with a chance, go for it!
Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2007): I think if you are in therapy and in counseling, this is a question for your therapist, I am not sure that this relationship is the right one for you, if you constantly are fighting there is probably a reason for that such as differing values or basic incompatibility...the fact that you fell in love at first sight does not mean anything more than you fell in lust at first site, perhaps it was never meant to be more than that, if it was it would have been really lucky, but maybe there is just not enough there to build a viable relationship on....I don't know that, but I suggest going over this with your therapist who knows you a whole lot better than we do here.
Good Luck.
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