A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have a really difficult decision to make pretty soon regarding changing my surname and I need some help!! I am now 40 (got divorced last year) after 19 years of marriage. I don't have children. When I married I took my husbands surname.So far since being divorced I have carried on using my married surname as there are so many things to change I cannot face all the effort in going through all that paperwork etc. Also, I am not keen to go back to my maiden surname - it feels like I am a child again and I do not have positive associations with it.I do not have a middle name that I could make into a surname so I don't know what to do. Other people have said to wait as I may marry again and take another surname at some point so what is the point. However, I need to update my passport and also I am completing a degree soon and don't want my ex husbands surname on it!!I spoke to my father about the issue and he got offended when I said I didn't want to go back to my maiden surname. I have considered just thinking of a completely new surname and keeping this going forward but I reckon I will hurt my family and insult them. I had an abusive marriage and I wish I could think of a solution as it would help me move on more completely.Can anyone advise what I should do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2013): my mother kept her maiden name even though she and my father have been happily married for over 40 years. I always grew up thinking it was just normal that everyone, both men and women, are born with a certain name and that is their name for life. You are the same person after all. My mother did allow people to call her "Mrs. [my dad's surname]" if they wanted to, but legally and on mail that was addressed to her, it was her own name. She was also a writer, and she used her own name professionally. The concept of a woman officially changing her name upon marriage seemed strange when I was a kid (my friends' mothers did that). And when I grew up and my friends started taking their husbands' names, it seemed even more strange and, in a way, disappointing. It seemed rather sinister, like an erasing of your identity because now you belong to someone. My sister in law has changed her name multiple times as she has been divorced and is now remarried and each time she officially changed her name. my husband's parents are very conservative and were not happy that I chose to keep my own name. They ALWAYS, when sending us christmas and birthday cards etc, address it to "Mr and Mrs [their son's name]". It really really irks me. On my birthday they always send me a card addressed as "Mrs [their son's name]."
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2013): Why not take your mothers maiden name as your new surname. Or your grandmothers maiden name. That way there is some significance and basis for it and you don't have to be limited to just the two options you mentioned.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2013): Ah, see I kept my maiden name after marriage so there is nothing to revert to. Think about it. Men keep the surnames they were born with. Does that make them child like? No so why should it for you?I refused to take my husbands name because I am opposed to women taking their husbands names in general.My mother and all the women in her family kept heir names after marriage. But then again in our culure that is quite common.My husband is American and his parents were concerned and offended that i didnt take their name. Too bad. I was born with a certain name so why do I have to change my name just by virtue of getting married. I find it insulting Take back your family name and try to see it not "reverting " to anything since men never change theirs yet you don't consider them as children because of it. Otherwise just pick a new name entirely and change without your family's approval. Why do you need the approval of people
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2013): My one relative was divorced and she took back her maiden name and now just recently, she added her mother's maiden name as her real last name yet keeping her father's last name as well. Some family members were in a tizzy because they thought she was disrespecting her father by doing this.
Even though I don't like to associate my late husband's name with myself (he verbally abused me for years) it just sounds better with my first name. My maiden name is difficult to pronounce.
You have to do what you feel is best for you and disregard outside influences.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2013): Go with your mothers or grandma's maiden name?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (28 January 2013):
 What about your mother's maiden name or even your father's mother's.
And then just change it by deed poll.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2013): I felt exactly as you do after I got divorced - just like I really, really didn't want to revert back to my father's surname, especially as my grandfather had originally abandoned his family (my Dad etc) when my Dad was a little boy, causing him lifelong heartbreak and much abusive behaviour towards us, his kids. I agree it feels totally weird to go back to 'child' mode regardless of whether you get on with your family or not, but in my case the decision was maybe a bit easier because I was in an abusive situation with my parents when I was a child, so not reverting back to maiden name was perhaps easier. My daughter was only five at the time but we chose a name that had nothing to do with anything at all except that we loved the name itself - that was the whole point, it was for us and it was new and a way forward. Some people think there is something suspicious about changing your name, but I think the whole system is really dodgy anyway because when you think about it, it is totally sexist. In the UK almost all UK national surnames will be passed down from men, even if you take your mother's surname it will have been her father's originally. So not only is it odd to go back to your childhood name when you've been through a divorce but it's also kinds weird to just become another man's property again. I don't understand why so many women just accept this as if it is normal to be and remain either the property of your father or of your husband - you don't have to be a radical feminist to see why this is weird and biased - why on earth can't a woman feel fine with choosing her own surname for exactly the very natural reasons that you are feeling now? In fact you can choose and some people will completely 'get' it in future and some won't, so just be prepared for a mixed reaction. If my daughter wanted to change her surname again I wouldn't mind at all - although she is 25 now and loves it and when she tells people about it they all think it is completely understandable. I've had a couple of unexpected reactions from people that I really thought would be more open minded but on the whole most people understand.I'd say be brave and go for it. Choose whatever your heart desires because it really is your choice and no-one else's.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2013): I had a friend in a similar situation where she was going through a divorce and didn't want to take either name. What she did was a bit unorthodox, but it worked for her. Her ex husbands name was Lightwood and her maiden name was Green, so she changed her name to Greenwood, combining the two. It was a good idea because she still has a name that is personal to her, but it is also neither of the two names she didn't want to take.
I suppose it would depend on the names, but is there anyway you could do something similar?
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A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (27 January 2013):
 You haven't said much about your childhood and why you don't want to use your maiden name, but what about your mothers maiden name? I feel a name should have some relevance to a person. Or possibly look further back in your family history at other previous surnames?
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