A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I gave birth about a year ago. For the first few months after, I was not up for sex at all (although I did allow him to perform oral sex on me). My husband was very patient with me, but I could tell he was stressed by this. I didn't want to reject him, but it was where I was.My first step was to buy him porn. This worked for awhile, but he continued to be depressed and irritable. I was also worried that he might end up retreating into fantasy completely, and that I might get a taste of my own medicine if he rejected me sexually at some point down the road.My sister was helping me take care of the baby at the time. She had just broken up with her boyfriend, and was also feeling lonely. We had talked about the sexual problems I was having. My sister then dropped a bombshell by asking me if she could sleep with my husband. I said no at first, then changed my mind and brought it up with my husband. He didn't spring for it immediately (probably thought I was trying to trap him) but after I assured him I was OK with it, he agreed.Right away the mood in our home improved. My husband was working harder, my sister doted on the baby, I could get my rest. My sister and my husband got regular health checkups and shared the information with me, so I wouldn't have to worry about diseases if I resumed marital relations with my husband.Eventually I started sleeping with my husband again. However, the two of them want to continue their affair. My husband is better in bed, which I guess is good for me. But it seems awkward to continue this arrangement any longer than necessary. I'm also worried my sister may be trying to get pregnant (she claims to be on the pill, but I checked her medicine cabinet). It also bothers me because I can hear them in bed together. And I'm worried about my son, if he will be confused about marriage growing up (especially if he gets a half-sibling for a cousin!).I don't want to retract permission and make them both unhappy again. At the same time, I am a member of this household and I am also his wife, so if I'm not comfortable with it, shouldn't I have the right to pull the plug?
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affair, cousin, depressed, oral sex, porn, the pill Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2009): Many men learn that one consequence of becomming a parent is that your sex life is undermined, certainly for a few months, and possible forever. Most wives expect the husbands to suck it up, and most men do.
I have no idea whether you can put the genie back in the bottle, but it's entirely reasonable for you to tell your husband & sister that you've revoked their permission to screw around. Whether it'll stick is another question altogether.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2009): You opened pandoras box. Nothing good will come of your decision. Your only hope is that your sister will move on and find a love of her own. Either way you will always wonder. I hope you are wrong in thinking your sister is trying to get pregnant because the children will greatly suffer for the ignorance the adults displayed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2009): You have benefited from this arrangement up to this point also, childcare, a happier husband, a woman to share household responsibilities with but to do so you let the cat out of the bag, but it is more than you bargained for. The solution will have to take their needs into consideration also, you three can only move forward from here. You must assume responsibility for your part in this, it can never become as it was before this. The solution lies in the answer to this question. How can you get your needs for security, trust, and regain your sense of value as wife without traumatizing your family: your sister whom I am sure is now bonded to your husband, your child now bonded to your sister and your husband now bonded to all three of you? Based on yours and your sister's very unconventional approach to problem solving, I am sure you two can work this out. Since you two instigated this to begin with , you two can hash out a solution. Your husband sounds like he will abide by whatever choice you two make. The key is your sister, she has the most to lose if it ends so you have to be empathetic in your approach to discussing this with her. You want to take away something that you had freely shared with her, a man and a child.
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female
reader, HonningKanin  +, writes (26 October 2009):
 YOu have every right to pull the plug. He is your husband and you are his wife. You allowed for them to sleep together when you were not physically or mentally up for it. You need to explain to them that that was the reason you allowed for it and now that you have resumed the desire to sleep with your husband your sister should back off.Your husband should also respect that you were thinking of his needs when you allowed it and now he needs to focus on yours and return to somethings you prefere which is a return to a sexual relationship that is only with you. That you do not want to share any longer seeing as you can now fullfill his needs. A loving husband will understand this and a reasonable sister will understand this as well.Don't feel bad at all. The only reason those two were allowed to sleep together was because of you so it should be that you can put a stop to this if you choose.HonningKanin
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2009): I don't know why you ever allowed this to start.Along with a baby comes sacrifices, sex being one of them, and this is a dudes point of view.Good luck stoping this thing you said OK to.You said you could hear them having sex in the other bedroom,I take it you're home while they're knockin one out?Hell yes you got the right to tell them to stop,is it going to be enough,I don't think so!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2009): Well OBVIOUSLY you'd have a problem with it! Because he now craves sex with her as much, maybe even more than you! Yes you should pull the plug x
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