A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all. My name is Lea and I am a 20 year old newly wed. I am really confused about my husband at the moment, and to be honest alot lately. I am really independant outside of a relationship. I took care of two parents pretty much my whole life which kind of gave me an edge when it comes to budgets and bills and legal stuff etc. I tend to be a perfectionist and even if i am making an A in the class I will still do the extra credit ( yes i am in college). When I am in a relationship I really long for equality but a man that isnt afraid to say "dont talk about my wife like that" or how about some "baby you look exhausted after cooking and cleaning and grocery shopping all day let me handle a few bill calls". But no. He never stands up for me to anyone. He talks big but the guy doesnt even stand up for himself. I knew this when we got married but he told me that he would feel more confident when we have our own place. Our own place is turning into a nightmare. The place is run down and manegement is doing everything in their power to not fix anything. Guess who has to stand up to them...Me... The car is in the shop and his mom has to call me to get anything done about the insurance or rental. Also because he works I get left with the homework for both of us (seeing as we take the same classes). I am exhausted and thats not even the half of it. He grandfather died recently. He is from a big family. Fine I get that. They family told him the day his grandfather died No significant others. So instead of standing up for me he was going to leave me home even tho i too was upset over the death. He was perfectly fine with me being excluded even tho I am his wife. I was crushed. I told his best friend about it and he was upset saying it was wrong. I guess i am sick of feeling used and unloved. How do I get him to man up? I mean I love his girly side but I am no lesbian and I am no butch lol I need a man. How do i get him to fill his roll?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): I agree with satindesire.Denizen is right too-explain your side and set limits. Tell HIM how crushed you were over the grandfather situation.Try making a list of things you do for him-and cut as much out as you can. Obviously the bills have to get paid, but maybe if you stop doing his homework, taking care of his car issues, and picking up after him, he might get the picture a little. It seems like right now he thinks it's okay to dump stuff on you because you keep doing it. You need to show AND tell him otherwise. If he's your age or not much older, he's probably also really immature, and unfortunately there's not much help for that.
A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (25 October 2009):
 You aren't going to be able to make him into something he isn't. You can explain your side and even set some limits but you can't, and shouldn't try to change his nature. This is a mistake too many women make. They promise they will never change and they do. They say they want a man for who he is, then try and change him. It's always a source of ongoing friction in a relationship. It becomes a war of attrition People remain true to their nature. As Jung said: 'Water flows down hill'.
All you can do is tell him what you expect.
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