A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My friend at college had a huge dorm party last week and there was a lot of alcohol involved. Long story short, I had drunk quite a bit when one of her friends whom I didn't know hit on me. We ended up making out and kissing, but he was really aggressive. He asked me to come back to his, but I said no and that I wanted to take things slow, though I gave him my number. He said I knew nothing would happen even if I did come back to his, but I still said no. He then told me "not to friendzone" him and was slightly sulky, though we agreed to try dating and made out for a bit longer as he was quite pushy.The morning afterwards, I sobered up and felt awful. He'd sent me a couple of nice texts and I thought he was cute though not my usual type, but he had been very pushy and I'd felt he tried to manipulate me into sex. So I texted him back saying that I was sorry if I'd led him on but just wanted to be friends. He replied saying that that was fine, but every time I see him nowadays (I can't avoid him as we have a lot of mutual friends) he makes it obvious he's ignoring me or is slightly mean. Mutual friends say he's not a "player," but I have him on FB and he's always commenting on profile pics of female friends saying how "nice" or "lovely" they look.Was I too harsh on him and should I have at least gone out with him given that I agreed to while drunk? He seems like the quiet geeky sort, which is not really my type, but he's cute enough. However, I'm not too fond of his personality, TBH.
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female
reader, maisy1  +, writes (14 May 2013):
OP i think you have put yourself in a very vulnerable situation. If you go to parties and get really drunk then there's a strong chance someone will try and take advantage of you. Yes you probably gave him the right signals and encouraged him BUT when we are drunk we do things that are neither sensible nor how we would behave sober. You don't want a reputation nor to wake up not knowing what has happened to you or by whom.
Any man who is manipulative sexually or pushy in that way is to be avoided. Regardless of who gave who the green light or whether you made a move on him, he was aggressive and in your own words tried to manipulate you into sex while you were drunk. He should not have behaved that way but equally you should not have put yourself in that position of vulnerability. The fact he sulked and told you not to friend-zone him was very manipulative and "clever". He was implying that by not going back to his place you were offending him or putting him in the role of "friend" so you would give in out of guilt, and you know what would have happened then of course.
And now? Well he didn't get laid so he is being mean and moody. So much for dating eh? Oh and hes already off flirting on facebook? Nice. He just wanted sex and say your drunken self as an easy target for manipulation. Thankfully you wisely didnt go back to his place but now hes being "off" with you. Put that down to experience OP
Were you too harsh? No. I think you had a lucky escape by at least having the sense not to go back to his place. His insistence that nothing would have happened is no comfort as he clearly wanted you alone and if he was pushy and aggressive in public he would have been more so in the private of his own home. He should be feeling awful not you.
You don't have to date someone who is not your type, regardless of a drunken snog and feel up. Neither should you go on a date with someone who clearly is manipulative, moody, pushy, try's to take advantage of drunken girls. He may be a "cute", quiet geeky guy BUT sometimes you have to beware of the quiet ones. In my experience its often the quiet geeky ones that can be the most manipulative! No offence to any quiet geeks out there but appearances can be deceptive. The fact that he is "cute" is irrevelant. Rapists, murders and child molesters can be cute OP
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 May 2013):
 No, you weren't too harsh on him. It was a good call, he was aggressive and pushy while drunk and sulky when sober.
Him accusing you of 'friendzoning' him while he was drunk was a way to try to guilt you into going back to his place. It's pretty blatant emotional blackmail. Screw that.
You don't want to date him, you don't have to date him. You didn't lead him on, beyond some drunken making out, you didn't go back to his and then shout 'no!' when he tried to get more sexual with you.
I think FB has a setting where you can set him as ignored and then you don't have to watch him interact with other girls and you don't have to watch his undesirable personality play out there either.
No, the answer is you were not too harsh on him, you owe him nothing.
Just be cordial and be sure your friends know why you avoided him, because he was too pushy and aggressive about the whole drunken make out thing. At least it might keep another girl from making that mistake.
Now that you know you lose too much control while drunk--come on, you made out with a guy you aren't attracted to--avoid drinking too much. One drink, then just keep a full glass of a non-alcoholic beverage in your hand. If someone wants you to do shots, pour them over your shoulder. You'll save yourself a lot of problems and possibly a significant weight gain if you avoid the booze! :)
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (14 May 2013):
I am not sure what you want advice on. Do want to base things on the drunk moment or not?
If you base things on that moment then he asked you for sex which you rejected and you think he might be a player. Then he asks you out, to which you agree but you change your mind and friend zone him anyway.
Or lets not base things on the drunk night, things were said and it got steamy. Oh well, it happens. You were asked out by him some time later and you rejected him because he is not your type.
It is up to you to decide if you like the guy or not. I think it is only natural for him to keep his distance from you if he wanted more than friendship at the time. You did make out with him after all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2013): To be honest, it sounds like you did the right thing. Anyone who acts mean or pushy to get sex is not necessarily a good guy to be in a relationship with. Also you want to be with one of those guys that posts on every girls picture on facebook in order to try and get laid? They make me cringe. Find a guy who's not just trying to be nice in order to get sex.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2013): I think its a gray area. Guys are expected to be a little pushy when they are attracted to a girls. Girls have a habit of responding to that behavior when they like they guy and complaining about exactly the same behavior when they don't like him. So what's a guy to do? If he wants to be successful with girls then it's better to be too pushy than not pushy enough. Especially with girls your age.
As for this guy in your story, don't go out with him if you don't like him. Whatever.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2013): Oh dear. The "friendzone".
The "real" friendzone is when a girl has a guy friend she really likes to point that she states she wishes she could meet a guy like him, he obviously likes her, yet she keeps dating guys that are obviously wrong for her, who she doesn't like and she spents all her time complaining to the guy she does like how much she doesn't like the guys she is dating and how much she likes him.
It is a JOKE, it doesn't exist in real life because a person would have to be insanely stupid to be that unaware. But it is a nice setup for romantic movies. The classic X loves Y, Y doesn't know X exists until the live changing event Z right after the intermission. (Genders btw can be reversed easily)
The "friendzone" this guy was talking about is when a girl doesn't immediately drop her pants for any guy who gives her the time of day. It is the "nice" guys who bitch about women wanting bad boys who really just want to use their self pro-claimed "nice" label to get all the girls instead.
I think you got yourself a pretty good picture of who he really is... and it also seems you don't like that picture very much.
This is his personality, take it or leave it.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (14 May 2013):
 Quiet and geeky? The guy sounds like a pushy ass who can't handle rejection. You have every right to turn someone down and you do not have to agree to go out with anyone just because he sulks.
I would completely ignore this guy. You may have friends in common but it doesn't mean that you have to be friends with him or talk to him. If you are all together then be civil, but don't go anywhere near him if he is drunk.
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A
female
reader, angel91 +, writes (14 May 2013):
you're right to act on your feelings. If he's pushy and you're not all that into him you're right to stand back and let him pass.
His pushiness when you were drunk suggests to me that he was trying his luck, and his behaviour now, ignoring you, means he's huffing for not getting his way.
Go you for not giving in!
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