A
male
age
36-40,
*owdee
writes:have i lost her?i have been in a relationship for 10 years, i left this girl for over a year and started a new relationship, i broke her heart and we eventually ended up back together. i have never treated her right and have never committed to anything, we never even lived together. 3 weeks ago she said she wanted more commitment and a baby i disagreed and had a long hard look at my life and found that i wanted the exact same thing and wanted it to be with her, we had a heart to heart and she was ecstatic and crying with tears of joy. she has had me a key cut but things didnt feel right with her, we was having sex when she had orgasmed she started crying and said that she could not do this as she had feelings for one of her friends she hangs around with on the evenings (there is a group mixed sexes) she assured me that they were not sexual feelings and had to tell me as she felt guilty she went on to say that she does not even find this lad attractive, but he is always there and speaks to her in the day etc, along with the rest of her friends. i am in a dilemma as i am currently staying at her house to show commitment but she is still going out with these friends most evenings and refuses to stop as this has become the normal to her. i fear to say to much as i really dont want to lose her or push her further away, i know what i want and am trying my best to get it. she says she needs time as her head is all confused. she is ok with me staying and it shows that i am committed so dont want to not be there as that was the sort of thing that started what i have caused. is it to late? have i blew it? what else can i do? help!!!!!!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2013): I really feel for you, you sound so sincere. It looks like she is infatuated with this other guy and seeing him all the time wont help that. She wanted to test the water so she is put out of her misery. Google "limerence" - the Wikipedia article on it is amazing. Im constantly surprised that this word isn't in greater use. She is consulting you because her loyalties are with you, but you have disappointed her in the past so she's not sure where her "home" should be. Limerence can create real ongoing dilemmas that take a lot of self-awareness. I think showing her the info on it (on Wikipedia) might help her clarify her feelings privately and figure out what her options are. She has decisions to make regarding:
1. you
2. the other guy
3. her group of friends - as cutting out the other guy, if she chooses to would involve some rearrangement with the friends.
I can understand how things would be confusing for her. Overall, I don't think you've lost her. It's not decided yet. Limerence is very different from the "real" feelings and history you to have, but it can be an extremely powerful force.
If she decides to go with you, and is infact limerent, she will have to cut this guy completely out of her life, and the thoughts of him will hopefully fade with time.
I think she has been skirting around her true feelings because she doesn't want to hurt you. If she is obsessively thinking about him, it makes her feel more distant from you. She cant help it and probably hates it... I could go on but Im probably rambling.
But please, get her to look at the info on limerence and get some councelling. She will have to make a decision sooner or later, especially as this is so hard on you too.
This is a huge thing for you to deal with emotionally, you both have to be strong and deal with it in the most mature way possible with all the resources available to you, as the consuquences of bad decisions at this point are very high.
Limerence comes and goes, real love is the only thing to be relied on, and she has to come to see that for herself.
But maybe its not limerence for her at all, in any case, her real feelings for this guy is what is most important to clarify. Sorry for crapping on for so long.
A
male
reader, bowdee +, writes (15 May 2013):
bowdee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionupdate please read!!!!last night i stayed at her house she never got back till 12.30 i had been asleep in her bed for 2 hours she felt cold with me and we spoke as i could not settle. she went on to say that she wanted to tell the other lad about her feelings so he could shrug them off and then she would feel better and not want to hang around with them as it would feel awkward. (it feels like she has different feelings than she says she has and wants to test the water before jumping ship) i disagreed and said that that would open a can of worms, she agreed. we spoke until the early hours of the morning and eventually had sex, i managed 1 hours sleep before i had to go to work maybe we shouldnt have but it made me feel closer to her and was excellent to be fair. i poped in on the way back from work, she said that i should stay in my own bed as me being there didnt help me sleep and then continued out with her friends this lad being one of them.she also said that i am not giving her enough space to decide what she wants and would eventually end up ditching me for good. she said that it has always been me in thepast and probably would not be any different in the future. my guts are ripped out i cant even function at work dont feel like i am there and am having bad anxiety attacks. what is going on have i lost her? is she just tagging me along fearfull of losing me for good? or is there a genuine chance there? she told me a one story to begin with whitch gave me a rude awakening i feel that it wasnt the reaction she expected and the underlying reason was what i have been told scince. could someone please shed some light for me as i cant see what is happening being in the middle.
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (14 May 2013):
Yes this is a difficult situation to handle and you are quite right Not to push her to much as might get the wrong answer from her.First of all she has to with your help mend a broken heart and most Inportant she has to learn to Trust you again this is not easy and will take understanding and time She maybe having other mixed friends as a shield or wall fearful she might get hurt again.You are doing the right thing by staying at her house continue to do that treat her with love care and respect and give her time and space to trust and love you as before.Hopefully things will work out for you both .Kind Wishes Nora B.
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