A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How can I let go of the things she did before me?We've been together for almost 8 months now, and we're very happy. Of course, there have been some bumpy spots here and there, but we've overcome all of them.There's just one thing that I can't let go....She's very, very sexual. And, while that in itself isn't exactly bad, she was with this guy for three years before she met me. They fucked. And fucked. And fucked. And fucked. And I can't help but imagine the two of them together. Her with him, and not me. It's not that I blame her.It's just that I can't live with the reality that I wasn't her first.There was someone before me, and it makes me feel so much less special.She was my first. I guess that might not help exactly.But no matter how many times she says "I love you," nothing can take back what they did have together.She's aware of this all. It makes her feel guilty. But that is what I DO NOT want. I don't want her to regret anything she did just because I'm a bit insecure. It's just not right. It's not fair.Please...I need to know.....how can I let go? How do I let it go.... It hurts so much. So damn much. She doesn't deserve that hurt. If anything, I should hurt alone. She doesn't need this. Especially not from me.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010): Thank you, Serpico.
I was not aware this actually had a name.
I talked to her today, and she told me that she regretted it (not waiting) ever since she met me.
It's strange that she would feel that way before I ever expressed my feelings.
We are working through this, however.
I tell her that I love her, and I'm sorry.
It's not her fault. It never was.
What helps me is the fact that, in all honesty, I could've, would've, done the same thing (had sex before I met her) a long time ago, had I been given the chance.
When I think about it that way, I'm just as "guilty."
And I use guilty very loosely in that sentence.
Remember, no one did anything wrong.
She has no reason to feel bad for her actions.
The problem is, and why I posted this question, is that I REALIZE that it wasn't wrong, but it still hurts to think about.
Thanks again, guys/gals.
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (13 December 2010):
I understand how you feel. Few things -
1 - You have something called retro jealousy. In itself, there is nothing wrong with you, it is simply a product of male evolution.
2 - The more you care about the women in question, the more it will bother you.
3 - It is a very difficult fight to fight. Make sure she is what you want for you to go through it.
4 - Also understand that 1 prior is not all that bad (eventhough i know you dont want to hear that.) Know that almost anyone else you meet will have at least this in her past.
Good luck. Its a tough row to hoe....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): And I think I must thank you guys.
This will be my first status update.
While I may not exactly "get over it" before we part our ways, it's already been helping a great deal, even that certain anonymous user.
He/she may have been harsh, but I do understand.
It makes a lot of sense, though he/she got part of the story wrong (i.e. I'm not blaming her)
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 December 2010):
 I will say that although the anon poster is a bit hard on you, he or she is correct. You do act a bit like a spoiled child with this. The thing is you can not always have things the way you want them! Sure it would have been lovely if you lost your virginities to each other, but that's just not how the situation is. And there was never anything you could have done about that expect find a girlfriend who was still a virgin. But that wouldn't have been this girl. You decided that she was worth throwing your idealistic view of relationships aside. You knew she was not a virgin when you started dating her. So what changed?
I feel that if you are tormented by her having had a boyfriend before you, whom she loved and had sex with, and this purely because you believe in some purified version of relationships, then you are setting yourself up for disappointment.
Why did the question I linked you to not help? She had the exact same problem, didn't she? She too was also unable to accept that a potential boyfriend would have a past, she too had painted the ideal, purified version of what a relationship is.
The problem is that that version, the ideal, is not real life, and it will never exist in real life, it never has, and never will. Life is not a fairy tale, and you certainly will not ever have things exactly the way you wish them.
The very best advice I can give you is that you do not accept this about yourself but work against it, or you may very well not end up happy in life because your expectations are unrealistic. So here's what you need to do, you should analyze your own feelings towards this. Ask yourself what it is you feel? Jealousy? Insecurity? Anger? Then ask yourself, and think about it long and hard, why you feel these emotions over your girlfriend having had a man before you. Why do you feel how you feel? What is it about it that is bad? Saying "I believe in a purified version of a relationship" will not work now, that will just bring you deeper into trouble. Because now you aren't exactly pure yourself, are you? Having had her, you can never have anyone else? Is that how you feel about her too, that she was no longer pure?
Why did you date her? What was it about her that made you want to be with her? Think about these things, and find your answers. The solution to your troubles will lie in those answers, because once you know why you feel this way you will be able to address the problem.
Although, in time, as you age and mature, you will come to understand these things. Perhaps you wont realize them in time to save this relationship, you might end up having to break up in the end, but a future relationship will work better for you once you come to an understanding with yourself over why you feel the way you do, and get some life experience on your back.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): Sorry if this seems harsh, but you really need to grow up.
"I still don't like being second."
Well, you need to move on, or grow up.
Either one will work fine, stop guilt tripping her and treating her like she is trash because she wasn't a virgin and you were.
You are acting like a petulant spoiled little child.
Man up.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): The OP is not holding his GF's past against her. He is struggling with his own involuntary feelings about her past. He is not blaming her in any way.
This difference is crucial to understanding what the OP is feeling and what to tell him to do about it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): Thanks, but...that didn't exactly help.
I realize that she loves me.
Shes' made it very clear on several occasions that I am a far better lover in every shape and form.
But feelings aren't as simple as words.
I do, honestly, believe her, especially after the stories I've heard.
I still don't like being second.
I guess you can think of me as a "purist."
I really very much do love her.
And had it been someone else, (I've dated women that have had sex before), I wouldn't have cared about it.
But something about her having sex BEFORE me puts me off at times.
I just wish we both could've lost it together.
That would've been perfect.
God, I feel like such a loser for feeling this way. T_T
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A
female
reader, Mjfbla +, writes (13 December 2010):
 Look, my x had the same problem. And thats why he is my ex. You have to accept her past. Honestly i can tell you if she loves you then she never thinks of her past. You probably do more then her. From personal experience this hurts a lot. You are putting her through a lot and making her feel guilty of her past, which really sucks. Im not blaming you, it seems a lot of guys have this issue. Decide which is more important, her or your feelings, cuz you will lose her eventually if you keep this up. Good luck
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (13 December 2010):
Because it's just not how people feel about each other. Perhaps some do, but overall thats not how peoples feelings work. And humans are not pets, or cats. I suggest you too read that question.
If you've ever loved someone then you know that comparison is just silly. It comes from someone without experience. Alternatively you can ask your parents or grandparents if it is possible to love again.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): "Her logic worked like this: when she was young she had a cat she loved. Then that cat died. They got a new cat, but she didn't love that new cat as much as her first one. So she felt that people were the same, how could one person love the second as much as the first?"
And why, exactly, is she wrong about this?
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (13 December 2010):
Well... there are many others who wonder the same thing, and this reminds me of a question I once answered where the girl refused to date a man who had had any other girlfriend before. She said that she refused to be someone's second, and this girl had never had a boyfriend and was older than you are (I think she was 24). Her logic worked like this: when she was young she had a cat she loved. Then that cat died. They got a new cat, but she didn't love that new cat as much as her first one. So she felt that people were the same, how could one person love the second as much as the first?
Isn't that somewhat the same as you are saying? This is the question I am talking about:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-worried-i-might-have-set-my-standards.html
I think you might find many of the answers there helpful to you as well, even though that poor girl had larger problems than you as she wouldn't even date anyone who had any sort of past. But we tried to explain how the minds of people work in general. Because you see.. it's not like you are less special because you aren't her first. If you read that question and answer I linked you to you might understand it better.
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