A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was talking to my bf earlier and I was venting about something that happened to me at work today. I know that he really cares but it often turns into him telling me what I should have done or what I should do. And it's frustrating me because it feels like he's criticizing me in a way for how I handled a situation or how I am planning on handling a situation. And after a bad day, it's the last thing I need.I am sure this happens a lot in couples, so how do you handle it? I just want him to be on my side and not make me look like I am planning on handling something the wrong way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2012): "But people who use venting as their REGULAR way to cope with everyday's life problems and complications, particularly the recurring ones .. ( not that I assume you are among them ) well....it gets stale, and irritating. If it bothers you so much , then DO something about it. If you DON'T want to do anything about it, then maybe it does not bother you so much, so don't even bring it up."
So, so true. I couldn't have said it better myself OP. If you are one of those people then just botch and moan to others like that and stop wrecking your boyfriends head with it. It gets old quick.
"So and so said this to me at work in front of the boss, what a bitch."
"Why didn't you just call her out on it right then and there? Problem solved and she wouldn't do it again"
"I shouldn't have to, it's so unfair. Why are you taking her side?"
"What the fuck?"
I've had so many of those conversations with women it's ridiculous, there's no logic in that kind of thing at all, it makes no sense.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2012): I'm the same as your boyfriend OP I'm a fixer, a person of action and not talk. My girlfriend understands this and accepts it, it's the dynamic of our relationship and it works well because it's not a criticism OP it's our way of showing we care by trying to tell you how to deal with it so it's not bothering you. You I like to get things done, I don't moan or complain about something I ask for advice on how to get things done. My girlfriend loves that about me because even on bad days she trusts me to able sort things out and not just bitch and moan and never do anything about it.
If you want to moan and complain and not do anything about then bitch to your girl friends OP. If you want practical advice then talk to your boyfriend.
It's not about taking your side, do you want a boyfriend who's honest with you or one who lies to you and tells you what you want to hear?
If you want platitudes and falsehoods talk to your female friends, they'll tell you how horrible and unfair your life is all day long, but us guys, we like to take action and think moaning is a waste of time because it never solves anything.
Seriously vent to girlfriend's and turn to your boyfriend for practical advice, it's not about taking sides and by saying that you're being hypersensitive, do you really want a 'yes' man boyfriend? No, because being a fixer has a lot of advantages to it.
Just let it slide and don't take it personally.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 June 2012):
 Yeah, it's a gender thing :). Personally I have zero consideration for John Gray and his Mars vs. Venus pap, but I have to admit he got that totally right, because in all my life I have never met a male ( except Freudian shrinks, who are PAID to listen and shut up ) who could just take a rant for what it is, a rant - without having to advice, intervene, suggest, fix things .
I also have to admit that maybe I have a masculine streak , because I can see their point. I mean, it's OK if once in a while, in exceptionally stressful circumstances, one feels overwhelmed, can't even bother with the solution, and wants just to freak out. Because then the point is not the solution ( if it is a big problem, maybe there is NO solution ) but getting rid of toxic, negative emotions.
But people who use venting as their REGULAR way to cope with everyday's life problems and complications, particularly the recurring ones .. ( not that I assume you are among them ) well....it gets stale, and irritating. If it bothers you so much , then DO something about it. If you DON'T want to do anything about it, then maybe it does not bother you so much, so don't even bring it up.
What can you do ? ... Do not take it personally, - assume that he has the best intentions and does not say what he says to criticize you, just to help you the way he knows best .
And when you just want to start a good kvetch- feast , pursue other venues : write pages and pages in your diary. Call a help line. Or... write to Dear Cupid.
Ooops ! I just gave you practical suggestions... while maybe you just wanted to vent ? :).....
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (13 June 2012):
 Before I start out, I want to strongly suggest that you pick up some books, like "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", and the reason I suggest that is because you and your boyfriend display the classic traits of being very gender-related in the way you communicate. You talk very "Female", and he talks very "Male". Now, that's not a bad thing at all, but here's why you two are misunderstanding.When a man has a problem, he never "vents". The only time a man will seek out another man to talk about those problems is when he literally CANNOT fix them himself. To a man, the ONLY time they talk about their problems is when they're asking for help to "fix" them.When a woman has a problem, she usually seeks out someone to "vent" to, even the smallest and most inconsequential issue is talked about. A woman talks because while she talks, she mentally walks down her own road to "fixing" the problem. Venting isn't asking for help, it's verbally communicating your emotions, and to interrupt the venting is considered very bad manners, listening intently to the venting is considered the most loving thing to do.Now, when a woman vents to a man, in the man's male communicating brain, that means "she needs my help fixing this problem". In your female brain, when he offers solutions to "fix" the problem, it seems like bad manners, and in his male brain, that's what you're asking for.The problem is that you two don't understand that even though you both speak English, they're understood as entirely different languages in your own heads.The "Mars/Venus" books literally saved my relationship. I learned how to talk to him in a "male" way, and he learned how to listen to me in a "female" way. I would be divorced right now if it wasn't for that book series, and if you two don't learn how to talk and listen the right "gender" way, you two will end up breaking up.Please, get the books on Amazon on your Kindle, or check them out at your local library if you can't spare the money. I PROMISE you, it'll save your relationship.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (13 June 2012):
 When faced with tough problems, men stop communication so they can work out how best to "fix" the problem, while women become communicative and deal with problems by talking about them, sometimes this is all that is needed. Men dont realise the problem is being dealt with through being talked about and so try to fix the problem, so they offer up a solution or two and then, thinking the problem has been 'fixed' cant understand why the woman is still talking about it.
Women process the problem by talking it through.
Get a copy of the book, Men are from Mars and Women from Venus, it explains a few of the differences between the genders such as the one you describle.
Make sure your boyfriend skims through it as well (he may not want to read the whole thing).
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