A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i have been thinking about it for a longtime and i really want to experiment with my close friend. i would like to get him to experiment with him but 1] when i hit on him he dont take it seriosly. 2] if we do what if he tells somebody. so how do i get him to esperiment. he hits on me to but i have to play it off because there are people around. we do sleep in the same bed and ive sqeezed his butt and rubbed him there kind of like it was an accident and he just pretends hes asleep. i really want him to touch me back. i wont even hardly sleep im so irrected from touching him. ive even rubbed IT on his butt but he dont do anything. if you have any ideas i would greatly appreciate it. my other question is...is this normal or am i different...Thanks:) Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2014): It's not a good idea to do things to people who may or may not be asleep. It's best to ask your friend straight out if he wants to experiment sexually. It's not good to make sexual-contact with another person, unless it is consensual.
If he's not touching you back, that means he doesn't want to do anything. Messing around in broad-daylight is one thing; but nothing you've said is enough evidence that he's even interested. Why would he hit on you with people around? I think he's teasing you to make you do something in-front of witnesses. Be careful about that. It doesn't make any sense to do things when he shouldn't, but not do anything when he has the green-light!
He probably doesn't want you telling anyone if he does anything; so he might just do sly things now and then. Until he says something to confirm that he wants to, don't guess! Stay on your side of the bed!
I suggest you stop playing around. Don't touch people sexually without permission. Period! I'm gay, older, and wiser.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2014): "I DO NOT (unlike a few uncle and aunties suggest) think you should KEEP trying to do physical stuff with him. IF you want something to happen you NEED to TALK to him and not while in bed. ASK him and respect whatever answer you get."I 100% agree with Honeypie!!!If you can't talk about sex with someone then you shouldn't be having sex with that person (at least that's my opinion)If I was sharing a bed with a guy I was just friends with (which is something I wouldn't do, but anyway), and he pressed his hard penis into me I would consider that borderline sexual assault. In my book that is NOT okay.I'm going to assume he is openly gay. If that's the case, your first step should be to come out to him, eg, "Sometimes I've found myself attracted to men." If that goes well you could continue with something like, "Have you ever thought of the two of us as being more than just friends?" and see where it goes from there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2014): He's after sexual things, not romance. Besides, he's currently sexually assaulting the other guy - should the other guy not want to go that far but doesn't want to say anything.
If you can't talk about it beforehand, you're not ready to do it; you need to KNOW (whether through body language or words) that they want it - not do what the original person is doing and just test the waters by physically touching them in places that NEED to be consented to. My out may say he could object, but he may feel conflicted and not want to make a big deal of it by denying it to himself.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 July 2014):
 Honeypie, of course he shouldn't do anything if the other party objects/doesn't want to. But when it comes to flirting, and especially when it comes to uncharted sexual territory, people find it veeeery awkward to "talk about it" beforehand. Some things aren't talked through, they are just done, and body language is communication enough.
If someone liked me and I liked them, but I was nervous about it, I would prefer for them to take initiative and flirt with me, rather than do nothing and then have an awkward conversation about whether or not they could kiss me. Or whether or not they could hold my hand. Some things just need to be done without talking it through first. Otherwise the romance is all gone.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 July 2014):
 I think the fact that HE isn't reacting means he isn't INTERESTED. It would be MUCh easier for him to roll over ot stop pretending to be asleep.
MAYBE you are gay/bi-sexual and want to experiment (nothing wrong with that) BUT IF you want to do those thing you NEED to TALK it over first, there needs to be VERBAL consent and there NEEDS to be a MUTUAL interest in this.
There is nothing worse then someone trying something sexual on you and you don't really want it.
Experimenting with a friend can also cause a lot more drama than experimenting with someone outside of your friends circle.
I DO NOT (unlike a few uncle and aunties suggest) think you should KEEP trying to do physical stuff with him. IF you want something to happen you NEED to TALK to him and not while in bed. ASK him and respect whatever answer you get.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2014): It's not "normal" to do this arrangement with him pretending it's not happening and you seeing how far you can go, but it is normal to want to experiment with whoever.
That said, I'm not sure you only want him sexually. I have a feeling you'd like him to consider you as more than someone to flirt with and I'd hazard a guess that you may even hope that sexual experimentation with each other may sway him into thinking of you as a potential boyfriend.... Is that the case?
This guy doesn't seem very committed to you at all, and I'm not talking about a relationship commitment because you're not in one, but it seems like he'd use you - IF he agreed to experimenting.
I don't think it's a good idea, but you need to bring it up if you still want to try it. There's no other way to do it without jumping on him and risking him rejecting you MASSIVELY. That said, should he agree to it, I doubt he would tell anyone - unless he's already come out as gay/bisexual.... Have you?
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A
male
reader, RevMick  +, writes (7 July 2014):
 Hi OP,
This is where you expect me to condemn or damn you to hell, being a minister lol.
But it's natural to want to experiment especially at your age. It could be he feels the same, but is worried you would say something to someone. Maybe he could think you are trying to trick him into doing something so you have leverage.
Next time you are together and alone, look into his eyes and try holding his hand. This can then if it doesn't work be made to look like an accident. "Oh sorry, thought I saw (then something you are scared of)"
If you do both want to experiment, take your time. The worst thing to do is rush, and then either injure or cause pain.
Try kissing, then if he is ok with that move to kissing I don't know somewhere else.
Hope that helps and good luck.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (7 July 2014):
You're turned on by him, right? And you're both male? In which case, it means you are probably homosexual or bisexual. Doesn't mean you have to be turned on by all men, just the ones you like. Apparently, you like your friend in a way that is more than friendship.
Are you in love with him, or are you just looking to experiment? You should search dearcupid's archives about friends with benefits, and all the problems that might arise. It is very rare for a friendship to continue being just a friendship once sexual intentions are mixed into it. You are already viewing him as more than a platonic friend, you are sexually attracted to him. So, you can not say he is just your friend... and I am afraid that you will never have a pure friendship with him. Maybe, but probably not.
So, the risk you run is that you might lose him as a friend, and maybe after you've had sex, or after you've made your intentions clear, he wont want to have anything to do with you. This is not to mean what you did was wrong or bad in any way, but people tend to react this way to sex outside of a relationship/being hit on by someone they are not sexually interested in themselves. So that's the risk.
But, the gain is that if you make your intentions clear, you might get to experiment sexually, and maybe the two of you will have a great time together. Maybe you fall in love and become an item too.
So you need to decide, does the potential gain outweigh the risk? As for him telling others about it... maybe he will, maybe he wont. It's not good manners to kiss and tell, but some people do this. If you worry he will, then maybe take some more time to get to know him and know what sort of person he is, if he's someone who would tell others.
As for how to get him to experiment with you, I think you've already made good progress. You're already sleeping in the same bed. You've touched him "accidentally". Now, to see if he liked the touches, or see if maybe he just thought it actually was accidental.. you could do this:
Next time you are in bed together, face each other. If he is with his back towards you, ask him to turn around to face you. Then look into his eyes. If he is at ease with looking into your eyes when you are that close, doesn't look away, or even smile, then lean in for a kiss. If he looks away, looks at the ceiling, wants to turn around again or is otherwise avoiding looking at you, then chances are he's not interested in more. But by asking him to turn around and face you you've already made your intentions clear, yet you haven't actually said or done anything that he can tell others about.
Good luck!
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