A
female
age
41-50,
*orestFlower
writes:I desperately need advice!I have a male friend of many years. We have always been very close and share many mutual interests, we are a lot alike spiritually and have always understood each other even though he is of different nationality and there is a small language barrier. Anyway we still have a great connection. We are like soulmates.But I have fallen in love with him over the years. I visit him regularly as I have a house in the country where he lives, in the same town. I've had these feelings for him a long time now and previously it's been under control but now this has become insane and dangerous. Last winter when we were at a party, I opened my heart to him and he confessed that the feelings are mutual. I thought it was just the champagne talking but I didn't care - we were alone in the garden talking and suddenly he kissed me. We ended up kissing for a long time. A few days later we met up before I went back home and again we kissed for hours. This would all be just wonderful, but I have been married for 15 years and he has a girlfriend of 10 years.On the next trip this spring, one night we were alone at a friend's house and shared very passionate kisses again. That time the desire took over completely and we made love all night. Since that night we have met up secretly whenever I have been in the country. Every time there's even a split second no-one is around we are all over each other. He is an amazing lover, I have never experienced such intense passion, such orgasms, such satisfaction. We connect on every level and when we are apart we message each other every day, saying "I love you and I miss you, you are the most wonderful thing in my life" and of course we do a lot of cybering and phonesex when we talk (we talk at least once a week.)Our agreement (which probably seems immoral, horrible and cruel to most of you) is that we love each other secretly and that will not change. Neither of us has talked about leaving our partners. It might be a different situation if our partners didn't know each other, if our friends didn't know each other, but everyone knows everyone. So far (as far as we know) only 2 people know about our love affair. One of my friends at home and one of his friends over there. The most heart-breaking thing in this whole thing is that his girlfriend or my husband suspect nothing. They know that we are close friends- and they trust us and could never imagine we would have an affair. And that fact kills me.I reckon it's only a matter of time before we get caught. But I don't have the strength to end it. I am so madly in love with my lover I can't think straight. I am hurting so many people with this, whether they know it or not, and at times I am so guilt-ridden and amazed about my reckless and selfish behaviour that it makes me suicidal.The question is: how do I end this? How do I get out of this? How can I save my marriage before it is ruined or good?I know it's easy to judge,but I kindly you all not to do so, I ask for advice. Please don't crucify me, help me. I am so lost. Thank you in advance.
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affair, has a girlfriend, kissing, orgasm, soulmate Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2014): The only way is to stop contact with this man as you are both living in a 'fantasy' type existence which is maintaining that bubble. I can assure you if you were found out, the hurt it would cause others would kill any passion you both have stone dead. The reality and guilt would eat you up. If you stop seeing one another you can then do one or both of two things. Work on your marriage (and really work on it) and give yourself the necessary space, on your own, to think about how you feel. It won't be easy but take it from someone that did what you are doing. Whatever the love / lust you feel now you could lose it all - your husband, your lover and a whole lot more. Face your reality. Of course, cheating, whether emotionally or physically could have already ruined it - but its time to clean things up and fast.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2014): This begs the question whether you really want to save your marriage or not as you continue taking big risks. You say you've had feelings for your friend a long time. What was your marriage like before that? Was it stable and strong? Think back and look for the things that has carried you and your husband through the years. Is your lover worth losing all you have, esp. since you have no future with him?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 July 2014):
 Yes you can get out of this and save your marriage. You had forgotten what it feels like to be in love with your husband, and you think that because you feel those chemicals now with this guy that means he is more lovable than your husband. The nature of love changes and it goes through stages. I am sure I don't need to explain this to you. It will be easier to end it when you think of only the negatives of this affair. It won't end well. Over time it will feel like an obligation rather than enjoyment. His long time girlfriend knows him well and lives with his weakness while you only see his good sides. You live with your husband's weakness and forgets his strength. If you and this guy continue you are bound to find out each other's weaknesses too. If you are truly sorry then end the affair. Cry all you can then calmly tell him that it will be better for the long run if you both devote to your marriages. You are not a bad person. As humans we all have this desire to feel alive and you just need some help pouring in love into your marriage again and appreciate what you have. Remember your vows.
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