A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey aunts. My problem has to do with my best friend. We know each other for years and in the past 2 years we have been practically inseperable. We saw each other every day and when we didn't we were on the phone to each other. Last year, his partner tragically died and he was devastated. We grew even closer together because of it. I was there for him night and day, cooking for him, listening to him, taking him away on holiday. He was also there for me.Now he has a new partner. They have been together since September. The new person is absolutely wonderful and has been very nice to me. We genuinely like each other. The problem is, that ever since they got together our friendship shifted. Now, I understand that when a new person enters our lives we tend to forget our friends for a while but this is getting ridiculous. He canceled every single arrangement we had to hang out. Every single one of them in 7 months, usually either on very short notice or he simply didn't show up. In fact on one occasion not only did he not let me know he was not coming for lunch, but he also ignored my worried messages until the next day. We have not done anything together since September. We still saw each other daily but that was only at work (he had a shop and I study so I always had time to visit and he was always overjoyed to see me, in fact he expected me to show up)Every time I try to talk to him about my problems we manage maybe five minutes before the topic switches back to his new lover.When my grandmother died the two had their first fight and I ended up consoling him instead of the other way around. I kept thinking it is a phase, I even told him I feel neglected but he insisted I was overreacting.Lately things got very bad. I got hit by a string of personal disasters, including a massive health scare taking me from one specialist to the next. What did he do? He dissapeared. He went from speaking to me every day to a week of missing completely, then coming over for coffee when I was still very ill. He stayed no longer than 15 minutes. By this time I was very annoyed and decided I will not call at all and see if he initiates contact for a change. He didn't. I heard nothing from him for a month. Then I decided to pick some of my stuff from his place and get on with my life. He told me he cares for me and that he felt I broke the contact off and once again tried to persuade me that he is not ignoring me but I am too sensitive and that if I needed something when I was seriously ill I should have called him. He told me he loves me and asked me if we can be friends again.I told him I was not happy with the situation and that we will see how it goes.Do you guys think I am too sensitive?Do you think I expected too much of him?Friendship is one of those things that can't be forced and I am tired of being the one making an effort. He feels he is making an effort but I don't see it.I love him to bits and I am very hurt. I don't know how to fix this. I feel I have overlooked way too many things already and that sadly my once conciderate best friend is no longer there. I am very upset about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2013): He is selfish and only appreciates you when you are giving. He gets jealous when you share your time with others, and feels you should be on call to nurture his wounds and soothe his soul when necessary. He is self-centered and self-absorbed. You know him well. Should you be surprised? You spoiled and you pampered him. You were his surrogate wife, stand-in girlfriend, and his mommy all rolled into one. You wiped his anus and snotty nose out of devotion.You are one of those wonderful and loyal people who give of themselves generously. You loved him and showed him in many ways. He didn't return the favor because of his strong sense of entitlement.When you focused on yourself and personal issues; he abandoned you. He gave you the silent treatment to regain his control. Men like him know how to manipulate women like you. He played mind games and used emotional abuse to torment you; because he felt neglected. Made you feel guilty.You went for the bait, and punished yourself when you did nothing wrong. This is where you get off the roller-coasterand kiss the ground.Focus on yourself now. There is nothing more you need to do for him. Let his new lover take care of him. You have to disassociate; in order to break his hold and release his control.Empower yourself by being responsible for your own needs and happiness. Continue to be giving. Just don't neglect yourself by personal sacrifice. Don't get used up.This will make you bitter and cynical. Drained of all that is good within you.You can give and give and give, to people you love. That doesn't mean they are always appreciative. When you discover that you're giving too much; you hold back, retreat, and let them go. You have only your self to blame when that happens. You know when you're being used. You let it happen hoping he'd reciprocate.Lesson learned. Remove the source of irritation.This is easier said then done, I know. What choice do you have? Get out. Recharge and start living for yourself, and others who love and appreciate you.
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