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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hey. I need some help. Although I have moved on from a long term relationship before this and I know it gets Okay with time but I can't seem to get over this situation.I invested all my feelings in a guy for 4 years just to get cheated. It took me a long time to move on but eventually after 3 years I started feeling for a friend. We got very close, confessed our feelings for each other and used to talk everyday. He refused commitment because he said he is too busy with work. I believed him until I realized his snapchat score goes up by 100 points on a working day? And he stays online all night? I understood he was stringing me alone for sex despite knowing how I felt for him. I texted him while he was online asking him to delete my pics and "carry on". He understood what I meant but didn't care to respond other than "yeah I'll delete". I didn't even realize when and how I got so attached to him. I went out of my way for him so many times even though my efforts weren't reciprocated. I feel so hurt and can't stop crying. He knew how careful I was in these matters and still lied about not talking to any other girl, and the reason for not committing to me. I want to cut him out of my life but how? I have this urge to check on his social media. I just want to move on. I'm so sick and tired of the same s^^t happening all the time.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2017): I think you are feeling the sense of betrayal twice over because this friend soaked up the knowledge about you and led you to believe he had feelings for you on a par with your own!This is quite an important message to you that you are mixing with low calibre people who think they know you well and then show in the next breathe that they know nothing about you at all!This is quite commonplace in life and no time to get bitter!Tell yourself he served his temporary period as a close friend and confidante and sexual partner and now he has made it obvious that you were a marvellously friendly conquest.Guys always think they are doing you a favour if they offer you sex!They believe a sexy lady needs a decent sexy kind of guy to keep the riff raff at bay but they never understand that you are looking for the complete package: mental, spiritual, and emotional!In his mind he kept you safe.He probably thought he would never match up to your ex and so he saw himself as a temporary bandage!Now you are crying at his idiocy!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2017): Thanks Wise owl for your help. I really appreciate it. I was not talking about my ex. I was just trying to say that I get very cautious because I don't want to go through the same s^^t I went through with an ex. I was talking about a long time friend who came closer to me after 3 years of my breakup, when I felt ready to get in a relationship again. We used to be good friends before we confessed our feelings. I could never imagine he would lie and string me along. When you know a friend for years and you get so close just to find out he lied about his feelings for me and the reason why he wouldn't commit. I went on dates in those 3 years but never invested my feelings on anyone before I decided to give this friend my all and he knew about everything all along. And acting like he doesn't give a s^^t now?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2017): Hey wise owl. I think you misunderstood. I wasn't talking about my ex. I just mentioned it to tell you how careful I act when it comes to dating someone because I've been cheated on before.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2017): You're blaming him for everything; but it's you who decided to give it another go after breaking-up. Reconciliations after breakups rarely succeed. You weren't really over him as you claimed; or you wouldn't have gotten reattached.
If you keep peeping him out on social media; you may as well self-flagellate with a cat of nine tails. That amounts to nothing but self-torture, and it's nosy. I don't know why people insist on snooping and/or trolling social media; and then can't handle what they dig-up!
Get a grip, girlfriend!!! You're acting psycho! Let him lie all he wants. He refused commitment; but who didn't take a hint? He didn't have to come right out and tell you anything. You came under the guise of friendship; because you wanted to get close without spooking him away. You stepped in your own trap!
Oh, he must have said the L-word; and that's all she wrote! Tools throw that word around like fertilizer. It's a tranquilizer for the gullible and needy. It calms you down, and stuns you into submission. Then you're putty in his hands. Better to be bitten by a rattlesnake. At least you know the poison is meant to kill!
Okay, now I'll go easy; and be a little more sensitive.
I know how you feel; because when I got dumped I was a mess.
Yeah, WiseOwlE himself went through the crying, frustration, anger, and the whole nine yards. I used a box of tissue a day. I didn't know the nose could make so much snot! I dehydrated from excessive tearing! I had salt-burns on my face!
One thing I didn't do was make any contact, attempt to make friends, and I didn't give a sh*t what he was doing on social media. Cold-turkey can be a bitch, but I rode it out. I came to DC to read what others were feeling and ended up becoming an uncle. I have a lot of experience under my belt and I've been there, and done that.
DC was my therapy. Reading what all these brilliant aunts, uncles, and anonymous readers had to say eased my pain. It made me remember the reserves of inner-strength I have. So here I am; giving you the tough-love I received just by reading the responses on this site to people in your/our situation. I wrote articles to vent my feelings and progress. That was like four years ago. Here I am! I even have a new man! It's not always perfect; but I don't think it could get any better than this! He's fantastic! I think our maturity and experience from our pasts have all to do with that.
Go ahead and get through the grief and the loss. It's harder because you snatched the scabs off the old emotional-wounds.
You've got to stop checking social media, and burning yourself. You may as well stick needles in your eyeballs; because everything you'll see will hurt!
In the middle of my recovery; two-months after my breakup, a friend saw my ex while on vacation. Introducing his new boyfriend at a popular gay club. I could have gone a lifetime without that info. I relapsed. My heart was like letting-go of an over-inflated balloon; and shot all over the room! Then it felt like lead in my chest. I was still pissed-off.
It was really good in the long-run; because it pissed me off. Necessary to reinforce your decision to consciously and subconsciously let go.
Fighting your impulses to call him, text him, and to slap the sh*t out of him; will only pass when you decide to fight the feelings. Grow-up, and stop being a wimp. Own it, and stop passing blame for your own poor judgment. It's just as much your fault as it is his. It's up to you to guard your heart and protect your feelings. Not go crawling back to some dick you previously kicked to the curb.
Confess, girlfriend! You weren't feeling for a friend, you were being needy; and you've been following-up on him on social media the whole time. When it looked like he was single again, you sprang into action. It's okay, if you don't admit it. Just own it!
You're mad. That's good. That's what it took me to get over it. I also wrote articles to vent and express my progress after my breakup. I got dumped, at least you dumped him!
Just writing your post probably makes you feel better! Just tell us how you feel; but don't be a wimp. Fight it and claw your way back. That's how you do it!
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