A
female
age
36-40,
*oMorePatience
writes:I fell deep in love with a man (Jake) who has a 4 year old son from his previous marriage (Leo). I also fell in love with Leo in a way, as well: I love him as if he were my own son.Over a year into our relationship, we decided to get pregnant and had a beautiful son (Dakota). I have never had a baby before and absolutely love being a new mother, so naturally I give a lot of attention to the baby (especially since babies are a lot more high maintenance). It's leaving me tired as I also work full-time, so sometimes Leo and I don't have the best of days as he has some behavioral problems as well.It seems like everything I do is judged by my love Jake. All throughout the pregnancy, we had several conversations about how worried he was that I would favor our son Dakota over Leo. I assured him that I love Leo like my own and always will. Now that the baby is here, it has gotten worse. We had a conversation a month ago about it, and I told him that I didn't know what else to do to convince him, and thought that the issue was over as I ended it with 'I don't want to talk about this any longer. Realize that I love Leo like my own son, please.'I was sexually abused as a child, and am absolutely uncomfortable with kissing children on the lips, and especially getting kissed even on the cheek by a child. Jake kisses Leo to show him love, but I can't bring myself to. The other night, Leo asked me for a kiss goodnight, and I didn't know what to say or do and was slightly embarrased - so I walked away and went to bed. Jake was outraged. He told me that he was disgusted with what had happened even after we spoke once again about how much I do love Leo, even with Dakota here now.I once again explained to him that I'll never be comfortable kissing children, and although I kiss Dakota on the head once in awhile, I know that it's something that I will stop doing once he really becomes his own person. I don't know that I can even explain it. Jake keeps insisting that I favor or love Dakota more, and I can't convince him otherwise. He told me that I must get over my "barrier" of not being able to kiss kids because I am depriving Leo and it's not right. I have tried and tried, but I know for a fact that I will never be okay with this. Jake keeps saying "either you're in all the way, or you're not in" as if to say if I can't get over this, we should split. There has been tension between Leo and I because I feel constantly under pressure when Jake is around us and am also trying to juggle an extremely high-stress job with little sleep.What should I do in this situation? Explaining to him my true feelings and thoughts isn't working and I don't feel that not kissing Leo is a big deal. It makes me so incredibly uncomfortable and brings up bad memories. Even though Jake knows this, he doesn't feel that it's a good enough reason. What do I do? I'm at wit's end.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2009): Take a deep breath and think outside of yourself for a little. I can not comment much about the whole situation, but I will comment about the kissing. You walked away from a child who asked for you to show him affection? You didn't even give him a hug instead or a kiss on the cheek, or a tickle, or anything to show him affection? You're damaging this kid. He asked for you to show him love and you just walked away, that hurts for grownups, that hurts a lot for children too. Leo hasn't been sexually abused. He thiks of kisses as a good thing. You are able to kiss your man, your baby, then why not the child? Go to councelling if you have to, but there is no difference between kissing a little boy on the cheek, kissing a grown man on the cheek, and kissing a baby's head. Its all signs of affection and love. Leo doesnt know about your holy-reasons for why you dont kiss him. Maybe you should have that conversation with Leo instead?As for your baby not being its own person... Your baby is it's own person, it's not a doll.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 December 2009):
 I have never been abused either but I have 3 children, my girls are all very affectionate and get kisses at bedtime. Usually forehead, chin, cheek, cheek - it's more of a game then anything else.
YOU DO NOT have to kiss the boy on the mouth. A kiss on the forehead is plenty or on top of the head.
I agree with the anon poster, I think therapy would help you out enormously. ( and your kids even more)
Don't forget it is NOT your children's fault you were abused, NOT your fault. Don't make yourself OR your kids suffer for what someone evil did to you.
*hugs*
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2009): You need to go for therapy; this is not normal. While its understandable, going for therapy will help you deal with intimacy with children and help you learn to distinguish between sexual intimacy with your husband and non-sexual intimacy with your children. Try starting with just walking with Leo holding his hand, then when you are comfortable with this, you can progress to brief hugs. More time later, progress to those lengthy hugs that kids need. Then pecks on his head and later on his cheek.
Your step son definitely will be affected if you show him less physical affection than you do your own son. Kids need contact in order to fully develop emotionally and if you have chosen to be his mother then you need to be his mother in every way. You can at least start with lengthy hugs; surely you hug your baby when you hold him/burp him? But you dont have to kiss him on the lips all the time. I sympathize with the abuse you suffered; but dont take this terrible thing into your relationships with your family. You are Leo's mother now so try harder to get over your issues. I was abused as a child, but I have seen to it that I am the best mother my children have. Its gotten to a point where when I tell them I love them for the hundredth time, they roll their eyes and shout "we know already!!"
Keep trying, but if you really can't cope then go for therapy.
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