A
male
age
36-40,
*olidus
writes:I've been in love with a specific girl since I met her two years ago. She's everything I ever wanted. We've never been out of contact with each other, even when we both had significant others. Those relationships ended badly for both of us. I live in LA and she lives in Las Vegas. It's only about 4 hours drive away. I spent two weeks in vegas with her and it was almost a dream come true. After my time there I decided that I like it there and loved her enough to move there and be with her. I told her about it after I got home and she said "I definitely don't want you moving here for me bc it's just really bad timing right now. If you were to move here solely for me I would tell you to give it time bc I'm in a weird transition and I'm not sure what I want right now. All I know is I need to get ready for school to start back up and find a job and a new home. It's a lot!" I then told her to pump the breaks because I wasn't moving there tomorrow, maybe in a month or two. She responded "Lol so yes I think it's definitely something to talk about in the future and I look forward to any visits in between :)"Fast forward to two days ago and I tell her I'm coming to see her and asked if she wanted to stay with me in my hotel. This was her response.."I can't stay with you but we can hang. I sorta accidentally started seeing someone lol. I am no good at staying single ??"So I start asking her a couple of questions, like when and how long? And accuses me of making her feel like shes done something wrong. I felt like someone had just punched me in the chest and was trying to make sense of everything. I told her that I wasn't thrilled and she responded"I didn't expect you to be thrilled and it kind of sucks telling you bc you know how I feel about you as well but I hope you can appreciate my honesty and I'm glad it's not going to affect our friendship."I said "I appreciate the honesty, but It will absolutely affect our relationship. And I honestly don't know how yet. Because an hour ago I was willing to move to vegas for you and now I feel a bit of a hole in my heart. I actually looked at apartments. Anyway, I don't want to talk about this anymore. Good night." After that it just became a massive argument. First one we've ever had really. So, later when I was less emotional about the whole thing I wrote her saying this: "I want you to know that I'm not writing this in an emotional state, but one of analytical thought. What makes me most upset about this...Is that you gave me hope for us to be together, something I've wanted for years and took it away as casually as a mother taking candy from a child. Then you insult me by saying I'm acting dramatic. You know, It wasn't that long ago that you said to me "You're supposed to be with me" or was that just something you felt compelled to say after a few drinks and some bad dates? Because I took it seriously. I thought what we had was stronger than a 45 min plane ride and a suitcase. Paris started a whole war for Helen of Troy...I would've crossed a state line for you.But the worse part is how you placated me for weeks, telling me how you needed to focus on school and work, that we could talk about me moving to vegas later when your life was less hectic. Funny that didn't stop you from hopping into another relationship with this guy. I dedicated years to being in love with you and all it took was a few weeks for someone to take you from me. I really thought If you were going to be in a relationship with anyone after George it would be me.I am disillusioned that you didn't care enough to try or that you're using your previous relationship as a template and justification for why ours wouldn't work if I moved to vegas.You not being with me because you don't love me is one thing (and you should admit that)...but you not doing it because you're traumatized by what someone else did is bullshit. If distance was the only thing that stood between us and I eliminated it from the equation then the only thing that really stood between us was you. Not doing something because it might not work out is the stupidest reason in the world for not doing anything. What if Amerigo Vespucci didn't sail to America because it might not work out? We wouldn't be here right now.And to compound matters...you tell me this over a text with a joke about not being good at being single? What does that even mean? I'm not good at basketball but I play cause my friends love it. Your words imply heavily that you've begun a relationship with this person not because you have strong feelings for them, but because you don't like being alone. Which you've already admitted to me. Is it just more convenient/secure for you to be in a rushed relationship than to really know who you are by yourself? If you're in a relationship simply because you're not good at being alone then you probably shouldn't be. That's how you end up with a George or Robert. Men who are ultimately wrong for you who show you the appropriate attention at the most opportune time then change later leaving you in shitty situations.So, You break my heart over a text message and instead of showing empathy to someone you claim to have feelings for and who has always been there for you, you selfishly tell me to not express my sadness because it "makes you feel guilty." which, newsflash... was going to happen regardless because you knew it would hurt me. Thats how guilt works. Hence why you didn't tell me to begin with. Are you really telling me that you don't understand how the idea of another man being with you would cause me deep sadness? Do you think my heart is like the stick shift of a car, that it can so casually switch from "lover" to "buddy" overnight? You've had over a month to abandon the girl who said we're supposed to be together and I'm expected to do it in a day? It wasn't that long ago that you were the one crying in a car because someone said something heartbreaking to you. Not once did I ever tell you not to bother me with your sadness or that you were being dramatic. Because I care too much about you and take your pain seriously. No matter what causes it."Sorry, you guys had to read all that but thanks for sticking with me if you did. She said she didn't want me to move there for her because her last boyfriend "George" changed his whole life for her and when it didn't work out he resented her and made her feel bad everyday. She always hooks up with these guys who she moves in with and who ultimately end up breaking her heart and leaving her in a bad situation, so I have no doubt whoever this new guy is, Is probably just as bad" Anyway, I sent her that yesterday and haven't heard from her yet. What do you guys think? I have the right to be upset about this right? I told her before I sent this that I needed time away from her. I can't be her friend when the idea of her with another man breaks my heart. I don't want to hear her talk about him or imagine them together. Usually when a woman breaks my heart like this I dead them and never talk to them again. Problem is I love her more than any woman I've ever known know if I can cut her off completely...Am I right? Give me some advice.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 February 2016):
 OP, I know you won't like to hear this, but to be honest, ... I can see this girl's point.
She did not have to choose you and she did not.
You had no promise, no committment, just some interlocury, " let's see how it goes " talks. Maybe she was open to the possibility to start a relationship with you, but, your bad luck wanted that she met someone else and she preferred him before things with you could go any further.
As she might very well do. It's a bit too much to demand that she meets someone who she likes more than you, and/ or she feels there's more compatibility with, than with you- and she should turn him down , just in order to not disappoint you. She prefers another guy- what you want to do, sue her ??
I know what you are going to say : " she led me on ". And leading people on is a terrible thing to do, no doubt about it. But here you should make a big effort at objectivity and see how much she actually led you on... and how much you led yourself on by your wishful thinking.
I mean, of course this is easier to see for the uninvolved observer, than for a person in love- but the fact that you offered to move to her city and she cooled your jets right away ? Dead giveway. If she had been in love, or at least nearly as attracted and interested as you, she would have welcomed your move with enthusiasm, screw school and work and personal committments. After all, if two people live in the same city, they do not necessarily have to live in each other's pocket, right ? And there's tons of very busy people who still manage to stay focused on their business and careers , and carry on a relationship. When there's a will there's a way. The will was not there, she obviously was not totally sold on your offer, she wanted to take time to think it over and see if the pros were more than the cons ( because obviously from what she writes she also found there were cons ).. and she met someone else more responding to her tastes and requirements.
Bad timing. It sucks, I understand. But for you to be so shocked , after she nixed your move to Vegas .. well, I think you must have overrated her attachement to you, and the signs of her interest ( as it always happens to people in love- so don't feel bad about it ).
As for your " throwing tantrums " : you have the right to feel embittered and disappointed and upset ,and you have the right to express your negative feelings , she cannot force you to shut up and stiff upper lip- then again you cannot force her to CARE, or to feel sorry for you, or bad about herself for choosing what suits her better,
Basically she is telling you " What do you want " satisfaction guaranteed or your money back "? Fine, then, show me the signed contract which I am not abiding to ".
A
male
reader, Solidus +, writes (9 February 2016):
Solidus is verified as being by the original poster of the question This was her response to my email:"Yes, I made a joke when I told you I'm bad at being single. It was hard to tell you I'm now seeing someone. I'm sorry I didn't choose you but you have to get over it. You tell me you want me to leave you alone but you are still harassing me. I didn't choose you not because I don't care and have been leading you on. I didn't choose you because I see a different future with this person that I like better. We want the same things and that makes things easy. I want it to be easy. Relationships shouldn't be so hard all the time. After seeing your reaction to all this I know I chose right. You are acting childish and throwing tantrum. Like I said if the tables were turned I would have been sad as well but there is a better way to handle such situations with better composure. I don't have to choose you and I didn't. That doesn't mean you're allowed to be a dick to me about it."
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2016): She probably would have told you about New Guy if you didn't say you were moving... and then used you as a shoulder to cry on. I think her "future" relationship with you was fantasy for her but it took her until you said, "I want to move". Then... panic set in bc it became real.I accidentally pulled similar things when I was younger. I crushed on/gushed about certain boys... until he liked me back. Crush ruined. I talked to men online (in all fairness, NOT dating sites) for years and even got secual... and FREAKED when they kept pushing to meet. Why? WasI really wanting to deceive ppl? No. I considered these boys I crushed on someone to admire afar. No. I considered those Internet men ppl who were fun to flirt and talk about sec fantasies about or confide in. Both situations were GREAT until... they became real.It's possible your friend didn't realize she had these hidden motives for attention only. I hope this is a lesson for her to keep in mind how she would behave if you lived there. Or if she realized that those guys George and Robert were going to change the game as soon as she moved in. Just like she changed the game on you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2016): To be honest it sounds like she was flirting with yoh and saying all these things because it was fun and she didn't take it seriously but liked the attention. So she is shocked to find that you were deadly serious, i think you were right to send the message, she obviously never took you seriously as a potential partner and her heart was never in it.
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