A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone,Here is my situation. I am a female, 31 years old who had been molested by my brother when I was 7 (my brother was 17 at the time). I remember it happening more then once. My brother had a jet ski accident several years ago and died at the age of 32. I never confronted him about this.My main problem right now is my mother. I have a very tenuous relationship with her and we fight all the time to the point where we won't talk to each other for weeks although we live next door to each other and own a family business.I never told my parents about my brother and my husband thinks that I have a terrible relationship with my mom because I am angry at her for what my brother did to me. I agree, I feel that she should have protected me but I don't feel angry at my dad and have a much better relationship with him. My mom is 71 years old, she took the death of my brother very hard, we have never been able to go to his funeral because of circumstances beyond our control (my brother and us were living in different countries at the time when he died and we were not able to travel) and I am afraid to tell her this now. She went through a lot in her life and I don't want to cause her any more pain. However, I feel like our relationship has suffered all these years and I need to tell her why. I was never been open with her and she always wonders why. Please advise, do you think I should confront my mom and if so, how should I do it. I've been thinking about this for probably over 15 years. Thanks so much for any insight you might have.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2008): I can understan Why You never mentioned what happened to You to anyone in the Family; People would have most likely not believe You either... It is sad reality this kind of thing can be just impossible to believe "Not in Our Family" is most likely to be the generalized feeling even if no One says it out loud. Even as an Adult You may be told You are wrong, all You can do is say it and leave it at that. I have known families (if You can call it that) where all the Adult males abuse each other's children like a sick game and no One ever talks about it. It does happen and it is real. I have survived it and I have seen it as well. I am no therapist, but I understand what You are going thru and it is normal to feel that way. Best wishes. Anonymous.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2008): Have you thought about talking to a councelor first? They can help you get your thoughts together and maybe even help you to talk to your mom, in a constructive way, instead of a way where you mom could react badly.
Its jsut a thought!
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (20 October 2008):
I think "confront" is the wrong word here. Do you really want to accuse your 71 yearold mother of it all being all her fault?
I think if you are going to talk to her about it, you should do that. You should talk - tell her about it and tell her that you have been angry with her for years and this is why your relationship is not as good as it could have been.
What will you gain from telling your mother? Do you think it will make things better between you? Or will it help you, and simply hurt her.
You have to make a firm decision about what you want to do and stick with it, one way or the other, because at 71, she is not going to be around for ever.
If you are going to do it then do it calmly, sit her down and tell her what happened.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2008): This is such a tricky one, usually I would tell you to tell your mother but your situation is such more complicated. Your brother is dead, your mother getting old and I don't know if it's right to let her know her son was a monster. I also don't understand why you didn't tell your parents when you were younger? I think it's unfair your blaming your mother for your brother abusing you, it was all his fault. How was she too know what her own son was like? You know what's right for you, I just think the time for telling her has sailed.
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