I was molested as a child, how can I confront that person?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Family, Forbidden love

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Question - (24 December 2008)

5 Answers - (Newest, 15 January 2009)

A female age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Dear every1,

First of all happy holidays : -) ... when I was younger "my cousin"( this boy my brother and I grew up with that lived in our building.. I'm 18 and he's been my "cousin" for like 13 years now) when I was like 7 I remember him touching me in a very sexual way, he's like 5 years older than me. I know2 @ that age, your hormones are raging but he took it out on me. He used to dry hump my but when no1 was around, and although I didn't understand what's was going on I remember kind of getting turned on. He eventually stopped after a few years. Now I'm 18 and I know what he did to me. Its messed me up psychologically. He's always in my house. He's family, sometimes I wanna bring it up because I hate him and I don't feel comfortable around him. I smile with him but I remember what he did but i'm so afraid 2 confront him. I told my boyfriend about how I was sexually molested as a child. He didn't rape me but I didn't like it. My boyfriend doesn't know its him though, but my bf doesn't like him or trust him anyway because I hinted to him that he looks @ me funny. My bf doesn't trust him around me and makes no secret of that. I want to not only confront him, I wanna be honest with my bf about him. This has been haunting me for years, I can't take it anymore

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A female reader, Too Sensitive +, writes (15 January 2009):

The feelings of being turned on during the incident can cause feelings of guilt and shame in the future, if they haven't already. Feeling turned on is a natural physical reaction. But, there is a conflict there, since you know what he did was wrong. Hence, the feelings of guilt and shame for on some level, albeit physical, your body naturally liked what was going on, but you knew in your mind it was wrong.

I know someone personally who experienced sexual abuse when he was about 10. Though he experienced physical pleasure during the incidents, they left a deep psychological scar on him. To this day he experiences feelings of guilt and shame surrounding anything sexual. He has difficulty connecting emotionally with people (including me), and he often exhibits inappropriate sexual behaviors. His feelings of guilt and shame over the incident are deeply rooted in childhood (he is now 51), and they manifest themselves in negative behaviors that I have to lay witness to.

He never experienced an environment that gave him a chance to fully get over this, so it still haunts him to this day. It has damaged every relationship he's ever had since childhood in one way or another. He recently went to counseling in an effort to unravel things and work through things, but due to lack of money, he was not able to complete the therapy. I still see the behaviors, though some of them are not as consistent as before. But, nonetheless, they are still there. Though he doesn't know I know, I've recently discovered he's been shoplifting. I believe all his behaviors as an adult can be traced back to that sexual abuse (by older boys in the neighborhood).

The fact that you still feel haunted by your experience tells me that you are not over it, not by a long shot. Nor should you necessarily be. You feel as though you are harboring this terrible secret, and you are. You want to let it go, you want to let it out, but you are afraid to. Understandably so.

I don't think you're being dramatic at all. Of course something like this can mess you up psychologically!

Before you end up like my fiance, please, get yourself some help. You don't have to tell your parents specifically what happened, but you can confide in them that you are not doing well emotionally and feel the need to enter therapy to help you sort out your thoughts and feelings. Are you working? If so, do you have insurance through your job? Can, or will, your parents help you afford therapy if need be?

I do feel strongly that you are feeling overwhelmed still to this day, and professional counseling could help you sort out what you must do to work through this. Otherwise, do some homework on your own. Read books on the subject, do some research on the Internet. Beware, you will find some flaky unsubstantiated information (always the case no matter what you search, it seems), but you will be able to differentiate what is serious information and what is not. You might even find a message board or forum that caters specifically to this very subject. Knowledge is power - empower yourself so you can eventually overcome your past.

Confrontation may be necessary to fully heal, I don't know for sure, but I am guessing it is. Especially if you feel the need to do so, and it seems you do. However, I think you should be armed before you go in. Let a therapist or books or others who have gone through this before guide you in best how to go about this.

Good luck, I wish you all the best. Don't let anyone try to dismiss or minimize your feelings. You are entitled to your feelings. They did not walk in your shoes - you did. Let us know how you are doing.