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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: A girl I had a fling with cried rape on me and even though I was proved innocent it's ruined my life. It seems no one 100% believes me and still questions what happened. A couple of months ago I was out with a few mates in a club and got chatting to this girl. We got on really well and ended up going back to her flat to have sex. I didn't end up spending the night there and went home about an hour later. A few days later when I was at work a load of policemen showed up and arrested me on suspicion of rape. It was a harrowing experience and I spent 3 days in a police cell because I was refused bail.Thankfully I was let go because the girl was exposed as a liar by a detective. It turned out she had a boyfriend at the time who found out I had been in the flat so she said I forced myself on her and that it wasn't consensual just because she didn't want to confess to being a cheat.The case was dropped but thanks to social networks and word of mouth my name was dragged through the mud and now my reputation in the local area is in tatters. I got fired from my job because apparently I was a disruptive influence and now I'm unemployed. But worst of all I've developed a phobia of women. I'm scared to try and start new relationships or go out on the pull because I fear there are more women like her about.It's gotten so bad that I've turned to drinking in order to block all the bad memories. What can I do to move on and put all this behind me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst off I'd like to thank everyone for all their great advice, I've taken it all on board and had a real think about the situation. I'm lucky because I've got a great family and fantastic friends who are supporting me through it. To be honest I was pushing them all away which I shouldn't have done because the last thing I needed was to be on my own.I packed in the heavy drinking a few days ago because you're all right, it wasn't helping at all. I also got on Facebook and demanded a woman delete a page about the alleged incident, which she did thankfully. Because I've actually come out and defended myself on Facebook local people who liked that page have sent me supportive messages and apologised for jumping on the bandwagon without knowing all the facts. So I feel better about showing my face in the community.I know a lot of you suggested I should take legal action against my 'victim' but the truth is no amount of money could ever justify laying eyes on that waste of space ever again because she does make me sick to my stomach. One of my friends who knows one of her friends said her boyfriend dumped and now she's the one who's moved away or something, I couldn't care less to be honest.One of my other friends said he was confident he could get me a job at the company he works for, it's not as good as my old job but it's something, so things are definitely looking up.Thanks again for all your advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2011): What a sorry tale and what a let down to women who genuinely have a case - she has ruined your life to save her skin and I bet shes doing just fine.
First it shows your decent cos its affected you so badly. But mud sticks doesn't it, in a huge way.
If you can bring charges for defamation of character I would. You can get free advice and legal aid. She needs to compensate you for wrongly ruining your life.
You won't find the answer in a bottle either, so find another outlet, go beat a punch-bag or hammer a squash ball round a court.
You did no more than plenty of other lads your age, you went out, got lucky,went home. Do not let this one luni tune 'lady' ruin the rest of your life, fight back
Moving is an option, people are unforgiving and seem to prefer to believe the worst,look for work in another city.Start afresh. Just dont let the barstewards grind you down.
Good luck x
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2011): This is awful, I am sorry you had such an experience. You should have brought her to court for defamation of character. That would have helped clear your name. What a nasty girl! The main thing is that you were innocent and she admitted she lied.
The only advise I can give you is maybe to move to another town. While some people would say this is running away, I wouldn't look on it like that, because if you stay in your hometown, when you meet new people that will be the first thing that springs to mind, and you shouldn't have to explain yourself for the rest of your life.
You are innocent so why should you continue to be judged like that. The best thing would be to move town, start afresh, get a new job and put the whole horrible experience behind you.
Really not all girls are nasty. That was such a low thing for her to do. You need to give yourself a chance by moving away to another town and then start to give girls a chance again. Im sure you now know the type of girls to steer clear of. Just be more choosy about the girls you become intimate with, I think its better if you really know them first.
Don't let this hold you back in life, you are you and should be enjoying life.
Good luck.x
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (15 October 2011):
I'm sorry this has happened. I knew someone who was raped a few years ago, and she had real trouble coming forward because she'd heard these stories and thought people wouldn't believe her. Knowing that a woman would lie over something like this just makes everyone look bad, and makes it so easy for a real rapist to get away, or an innocent man to get screwed over.
However, all is not lost. I do think you have a case here. I think you should contact a lawyer, and sue her for damages. I also think that it's worth you looking into suing your old place of work too - I'm not sure they fired you legally. Also, look to sue anyone who has made comments about you that can be proved as slander - whether it's papers, or over the internet.
Literally get a solicitor and get a civil action against her, your company (if possible) and anyone who who over the internet was slanderous (again, if possible).
You might also want to consider moving away and starting over elsewhere.
Good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (15 October 2011):
 I, too, think you should consider civil action. Speak to a lawyer.
Women who do this are absolutely dispicable, not only because of the harm they cause to real rape victims but to the innocent men who are wrongly accused. More of them might think twice if they see an example made.
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male
reader, Odds  +, writes (15 October 2011):
 The law may believe you're innocent until proven guilty, but many people still believe that where there's smoke, there's fire. This is one of the unfortunate consequences of that fact, and it is a grave injustice indeed. False rape accusers ruin men's lives, steal vital police resources that could be spent helping real rape victims, and display a general disregard for justice and fair play in general. Generally there is very little legal remedy for it, either; juries are not generally willing to bring justice to false accusers because of feminist propaganda that somehow it will deter real victims from coming forward. What she did was vile and wrong.
If you can afford it, sue her for slander (or whatever the UK equivalent is, I'm not up to date on common law on that side of the pond). If not, just forget her and try to move on.
But you're not alone. False rape accusations are depressingly common. It's going to suck, for a while, and it'll be a real test of your mettle to stick it out. But you can get through it. Put your mind to a task - find a new job, to start. It will be difficult; employers will google your name, and eventually find some news report or another about the accusation. You'll have to shine in the interviews, and that means moderating your drinking and trying to put it past you. But even if you don't get the first few jobs, just the effort of putting yourself out there and trying to move on will be good for you.
As for women, take your time. It may take a while to be able to trust one again. It'd be a good idea to find a new job and rebuild your general confidence before you take risks with women again. But in the meantime, all I can offer besides advice is telling you I believe you, and I wish you the best of luck.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (15 October 2011):
 what a truly traumatic harrowing experience. I am truly sorry you were put through this.I think you have Legal Aid in your country if you need a lawyer, but cannot afford a lawyer? If yes then i think you do need to see such a person to get some legal redress to remedy this appalling situation.Have you seen a lawyer about suing this nasty for slander and for the damage to YOUR reputation? Don't be afraid to put her though the publicity of being exposed as a wicked bad woman with no courage.I have no doubt that you went through a roller-coaster ride of exceptionally distressing emotions, when you were accused of something you did not do.Get thee along to a psycologist to assess the level of distress you have endured - your lawyer will need this as part of yoir case against the lying cheating girl.Your distress would have affected every part of your life - hence you displayed that distress at work. The boss did not like it. So you were sacked.It comes back to the lying cheating girl - she should be called out by official powerful means - via legal action - to demonstrate how cowardly were her actions Going on drinking binges will not help.if you can stop, then please stop. If you truthfully need to tell me that you cannot stop, and that your drinking is starting to feel out of control and is messing up your life? Then join Alcoholics Anonymous please?Losing your job due to attitude problems does not help. I still think this loss of yoir job is attributable to your emotional distress.And now you are losing trust in women? Completely understandable. And it will be making you feel so hurt and wary and distrustful towards women.Make sure this is discussed in detail with the psychologist and the lawyer.If you win in court against this girl, and even if she cannot afford to pay the sum of money awarded, the Judgement will still stand exonerating you of any blame, and exposing her as a liar. A settlement could even result in her being order to pay for a newspaper published public apology for lying about you. You deserve to be revealed to the world as the innocent party you are. As the aggrieved one. As the falsely accused one. All because one cowardly girl wanted to use you to cover up her own indiscretion?Don't ever go near this pathetic cowardly weasle attitude lying girl ever again.Good Luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2011): I'm sorry man.
Hopefully you can get over the social damage if you just tell people what happened and why you were let go. It sucks but you just got unlucky.
As for dating other women, you have to remember it's a numbers game. For every bad person there are tons of good ones.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 October 2011):
 Wow that girl needs a good slap, coming from a person that was raped, she should be the one that is locked up! She obviously was that twisted and in love with her boyfriend that she cried rape because there was no other way out, little did she think about your life and what would happen to you. Karma will get her for doing that to you.
I feel very sorry for you, you must have went through a rough time. Have you ever consider moving away to another place? Looking for work in a different area? I believe you are innocent and I also believe that even though it was proven people are going to have there doubts. Realistically it is not there fault, because not many people would accept that somebody could lie about something as serious as that. All you can do is look for work and don't let her get you down. Please do not turn to drink. That is not the answer, believe me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2011): what a horrible thing to have happen! I'm so sorry this happened to you, you did no wrong. Get a lawyer and sue this girl for libel and emotional damage! Seriously. I mean, she lied and as a result you got into jail, lost your job, your reputation has been destroyed. People DO sue for such things. I think you have a very good case for a lawsuit since in the end your charges were dropped and she was found to be a liar. You could at least get some money to compensate for your job loss. And it could help you to move on and clear your name. You would also be doing the world a favor by not letting someone like her get away with this sort of thing. Maybe only if she gets in serious s### like a lawsuit will she then think twice before doing something so serious as accusing a guy wrongfully of rape for her own benefit.I think you should keep insisting on your innocence on your social networks. Fight to clear your name, and to restore your reputation. if necessary put your case number on there so anyone can call the police if they want to check up the truth of what you're saying. Just being willing to be so open in talking about it could convince people that you really are innocent. If you keep quiet, people could take that to mean that you feel guilty cos you really are guilty.I don't know what else to say. maybe you need to move to another town and start over.I'm pretty sure that given enough time, this will eventually blow over. I can't see that (to be extreme) 50 years from now people will still be talking about it! problem is how long will it take, and in the meantime will your life get ruined by your desperate drinking?
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A
female
reader, Shadow Rose +, writes (15 October 2011):
 That's horrible that happened to you! It happened to a friend of mine a few years back...
Unfortunately, he had to move and get a fresh start. People are, sadly, untrustworthy, and judgemental.
In any other situation, I'd say "just ignore it", but this kind of thing changes your life, and unfortunately, people are cruel sometimes...
If you have the ability, I'd say just move, and find an online chat group with men who are/have been in the same situation. Sometimes it helps to get over things and get on the right track if you have some help.
Anyways, I wish you the best of luck, and I hope I helped!
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